Carry on Girls Page #7

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But he would only be defrauding

if he was offering something he hadn't got.

He would be offering something he hasn't got.

It depends what he's offering.

Well, that is tricky. Take this gentleman here.

He can dress up as a woman if he so wishes.

She is a woman.

Oh, well, that's different.

- She can dress up as a man.

- She is.

Oh, this is getting us nowhere.

Inspector, is it or is it not fraud

if a man masquerades as a woman

in order to win a prize?

That would be an offence.

Then that is all we wish to know. Come along.

And now, Woman's Things takes you

to the darling seaside town of Fircombe,

for an exclusive behind-the-scenes peep

- at the drama in a typical beauty contest.

- Stop!

Madam, if you don't mind,

we are recording a television show.

You are recording a public scandal,

that is what you're doing.

I beg your pardon?!

I have every reason to believe

that one of those women is a man.

Really?

Do tell!

You don't know what you're saying.

Oh, yes, I do. I had an anonymous phone call.

Well, we'll soon sort that out.

Girls, you heard what the lady said.

If it's true, would the guilty one

kindly step forward?

Satisfied?

Certainly not! I demand

that each one undergoes an examination.

- Physical examination?

- Exactly!

It's up to them. If it was me, I'd be only too happy

to prove you wrong. What do you say, girls?

- Strip off, you mean?

- Just to the undies. That'll be enough.

Well, I'm game. Come on.

Miss Potter.

Keep shooting, Cyril, it'll be a sensation!

You too, Miss Potter. Now don't be shy.

- You rotten, stinking...

- That's him!

- Stop him, somebody!

- Stop him!

Stop that... person!

After him!

Tally-ho!

This way, my dear. Over here!

Up the stairs!

How dare you, you thing, you!

Serves you right for trying, you dirty old lecher.

Help!

Sorry, wrong room!

Peter, in here!

Get your own clothes on!

Go on, get in the bathroom!

Get your make-up off.

Excuse me. Have you seen

a half-clothed... woman up here?

Why, yes.

She came into my fianc's room a moment ago.

- It's in there.

- What is?

Don't ask me, sir.

Leave this to me, please.

(Knock at door)

I must ask you to open the door, please.

It's the police.

Quick, on the bed.

Ahem!

How dare you burst in like that!

Excuse me, ma'am... sir.

We were looking for a...

Sorry. All right, come on.

Oh, you're wonderful!

- Peter!

- Oh, no!

(All talk at once)

See the way they're pouring in.

It's even better than we bargained for.

- Than you bargained for, you mean.

- You're not still sore about what happened?

Oh, no, I'm chuffed to bits.

I've lost my fiance,

I nearly get raped by a sex-starved admiral,

and if it hadn't been for Hope,

I'd be in jail by now.

- Her idea, was it? All that rumpo on the bed?

- It certainly wasn't mine.

What are you complaining about? Consider

yourself dead lucky you got anywhere near her.

I've got nothing against her.

It's just that I happen to be in love with Paula.

Oh, forget it. She'll come back. They always do.

Look at old Connie. Last night she wouldn't

speak to me, today she'll be all over me.

Hello, darling. Doing all right out there?

I told you they'd come flocking in, didn't I?

All over you... and from a great height.

That's exactly how it happened,

believe it or not.

I suppose Peter asked you

to come and tell me this.

No, he doesn't know I'm here.

But he was so upset, I thought

I ought to try and straighten things out.

You mean that this mysterious Patricia Potter

was Peter?

Yes.

The silly fool. What made him do it?

It wasn't his idea. Sid talked him into it.

From what I've heard about him,

I can well believe that.

Oh, Sid's not so bad.

He's really quite nice when you get to know him.

I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were keen on him.

Now you come to mention it... neither did I.

There's a thing.

Look, are we the only two

who know Peter was this girl?

Yeah, why?

If Peter can be a beauty queen,

I'm damn sure I can.

Do you think I stand a chance?

Yeah!

'Ere, you'll be the greatest!

Mildred!

Mildred?

(Radio blares)

There!

That should do it good.

Now, perhaps, you will get dressed.

Why?

The car will be here soon.

We are due at the fire station at ten o'clock.

What for?

To inspect their new fire engine.

That should be exciting.

Will you please go to the toilet before we leave?

I don't think I'll bother, thank you.

I don't feel like looking at fire engines.

Have you taken leave of your senses?

Those firemen are expecting you to be there

with me. What am I going to tell them?

Tell them there's more than one way

to put a fire out.

And that's exactly how I feel

about their new engine.

As you all know,

this degrading spectacle is due to take place

at 3pm on Saturday in the pier theatre.

And our primary objective now

is to ensure that it does not.

- Hear, hear!

- Now for your orders, then.

This is a plan of the pier and the theatre.

Each one of you section leaders

will be in command of one area of the offensive.

I must stress that the success of

the whole operation depends on surprise.

And I must ask you to regard this briefing

as top-secret.

(Clatter, tinkle)

I think there's someone in the outer office.

Aha! All right, come in here.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to disturb anything.

Mrs Bumble!

What are you doing here?

Please... I'd like to join up.

Rosemary, get the candle.

Right, it's a deal.

Three o'clock in the pier theatre on Saturday.

And thank you, Mr Gaybody.

How about that, Pete?

5,000 quid for the exclusive television rights.

- Marvellous.

- What are you looking so worried about?

We haven't seen

those Women's Lib pickets out all day today.

So what? We've got 'em licked and they know it.

But why should they choose to stop now?

That is women's fundamental weakness.

They never know when to stop.

Don't worry. It's all plain sailing from now on.

- Yes, Inspector? What can I do for you?

- Excuse me, sir,

we've had information

that Miss Patricia Potter is here again.

- Impossible. He's here.

- That's what I said, sir.

- But he can't... she can't be.

- William booked her into Miss Spring's room.

- What the hell's going on here?

- Perhaps we'd better find out, sir.

You're dead right, matey! We will find out.

Oh... Oh, hello, Sid.

The Inspector seems to think

that you have Patricia Potter in here.

- Yes, that's right.

- You have?

- I'd like to see him, please, miss.

- You mean "her".

I'd like to see him or her, please.

OK. Come in.

Someone to see you, Patricia.

Yes?

- You are Miss Patricia Potter?

- That's right.

Is that the one what was here before, Cookson?

I think so, sir.

I'm sorry about running away like I did,

but I hadn't got my best undies on.

Oh, yes?

- Do you still intend to enter the beauty contest?

- Of course. Why shouldn't I?

Because we have reason to believe

that you are of the male sex.

Oh, well, really!

Do I look like a man?

These days, it's very often difficult to tell.

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