Carry on Girls Page #8

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- What about you? Do you think I'm male?

- I'd rather not say.

Well, there's only one way of proving I'm not,

I suppose.

- No, no, don't do that.

- It's all right. I've got something on underneath.

Is that enough?

Yes. Thank you, miss.

I must apologise. I am perfectly satisfied.

All right, Cookson, come along.

Nice work, darling.

Hey!

What about you, Peter?

Are you perfectly satisfied?

No.

But I bloody well soon will be.

By the... Ooh, dear.

- And by this action...

- And by this action...

- I, Mildred Bumble...

- I, Mildred Bumble...

- publicly proclaim my equality to man...

- publicly proclaim my equality to man...

- and cast aside the bonds of womanhood.

- and cast aside the bonds of womanhood.

- Proceed.

- Proceed.

Call the fire brigade, someone!

This is indeed a proud day

for the Fircombe Fire Brigade.

Very nice.

- Highly polished. What is that?

- That's the bell, sir.

The new high-speed hose.

Well, well, I must say,

it all looks very efficient to me.

What is all this?

Well, amongst other things, Your Worship,

this houses the lifeline.

The lifeline?

When any of the men are entering

a smoking building or suchlike,

first they attach one of these hooks

to their belt.

Oh, I see.

Very good, yes.

- Like this?

- That's right.

Your Worship,

I'd like to take a photograph of that.

Certainly, my boy, certainly.

(Bell rings)

- Good heavens, what was that?

- That's the alarm, I'm afraid.

(Siren blares)

How much is that, please?

- 50 pence, please, sir.

- Half a quid? Blimey, it'll have to be good!

I assure you,

you won't see anything like it again.

Great, in't it?

I didn't expect a crowd like this.

- We'll be sold out soon.

- Thanks for helping, Con.

Oh, I wouldn't have missed it for anything.

- You can't say I haven't worked for it.

- No, you're going to get everything you deserve.

I've got to get up to the theatre now.

Just make sure all this money is

locked up nice and safe.

- Oh, I'll take good care of it.

- That's my girl.

You'd better keep your eye on that lot.

We don't want any trouble.

Don't worry, sir. None of them will get past us.

Good lad.

Yes?

Excuse me, I'm looking for Paula...

Miss Patricia Potter.

All right, darling, I'll come out. Just a tick.

- Enjoying the view?

- Oh, sorry.

What is it, darling?

Paula, I don't want you to take part in this.

But, darling, I'm enjoying it.

And I might even win.

I can't help it. I can't stand the thought of those

people leering and mentally undressing you.

They won't have to strain their mentality much.

You're not going out there in that?!

- Don't you think it's suitable?

- Suitable?! You're showing your... button.

- My what?

- Your button! That.

Oh. Is that bad?

Don't you know there are certain things

a woman just doesn't show in public?

But I didn't think that was one of them.

My mother always told me...

I don't care!

You're not going out there and that's that!

Peter, you don't own me!

I damn well do! When people meet my wife,

they'll say, "There's the woman with the button"!

Yes, darling. Let's see now...

- How would it be if I wore this bit down there?

- Well, that might...

Darling, I'm going to marry you.

Don't worry, darling.

I'll try and find something more respectable.

Sun Ray to A Able.

Commence Operation Nobble.

Roger and out.

Five minutes, girls.

Excuse me.

Are you going to wear your own?

Yeah, I like it, actually.

GIRL:
It makes you look younger, doesn't it?

All right, Fred. All I want from you is a few

well-chosen words to start the whole thing off.

Yes, I had thought of something

along these lines:

- "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen..."

- Great, that's just enough.

- Excuse me.

- Are you going to wish me luck?

- You won't need it, darling.

- You reck on?

I know. I'll speak to the judges. They're mates.

- You great big stupid ape!

- What's the matter?

You think you can go through life fixing things,

even me. Well, you're dead wrong!

If I do win, it'll be without any help from you!

Wait a minute! Come here!

Don't you see?

I'm trying to do something nice for you.

Well, if you want to do something nice,

wish me luck.

I do, but even luck needs a bit of a shove.

You'll never change, will you?

No, Sid, but thanks all the same.

All right, good luck.

Do you mind? This is private.

This is the ladies' cloakroom.

Oh, Gawd!

Ohh!

Good afternoon, madam.

And although this venture

has not been welcomed

by some of our more retrogressive residents,

I venture to say...

nay, nay...

I more than venture,

I proudly say...

I proudly say... what?

- Ready? I'll introduce you.

- Not quite yet.

All right, Fred.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to this,

the very first Miss Fircombe beauty contest.

I am highly delighted to be able to tell you

that all the contestants you will see today

represent the very cream of their profession.

Cream, let me say, that comes

in the most magnificent containers.

(Laughter)

Thank you. Before we go any further,

I'd like you to meet the man who has given

unstintingly of his time to Fircombe,

your own distinguished mayor,

Alderman Bumble!

Clear my throat.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Get 'em off!

Get 'em off, Bumble!

That's your lot, Fred. Don't overdo it.

It gives me great pleasure to be here...

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

It's time for you to meet

our distinguished panel of judges,

who have given their services entirely free.

First of all, we have Miss Carlotta Strong,

principal of the Fircombe School of Dancing,

Miss Charleston 1932.

Second, Mr Alf Foggett,

landlord of the Royal Oak.

(Smattering of cheers and jeers)

And finally, ladies and gentlemen,

none other than Mr Roger Tipson,

your own borough sanitary engineer.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, now comes

the moment you've all been waiting for,

the grand parade of all our lovely contestants,

introduced to you by Mr Peter Potter.

Our first contestant this afternoon

is a young lady who is the present holder

of the title Miss Dairy Queen...

Dawn Breaks!

Reminds me of HMS Bristol.

Thank you, Dawn.

Next a young lady who is a late but nonetheless

very welcome entrant to the contest...

Miss Patricia Potter!

By Jove!

Thank you, Miss Potter.

Third, we have a very popular young lady,

who is the current holder of the title

Miss Easy Rider... Hope Springs!

What's the matter? Has she got fleas?

They all have.

Well done, Section A!

Get the next one on quick.

Contestant number four,

Geraldine Payne.

Section B, commence downfall.

Roger.

That's more like it.

What's happening here?

(Boing)

And now for a lady from bonny...

...land, Miss Susan Brooks.

(Laughter)

Oh, my God! Get the rest of them on quick!

Miss Eileen Denby.

Miss Maureen...

- A-choo!

- Aagh!

(Raucous laughter)

Miss Gloria Grimes.

Miss Melanie... Parker.

Miss Frances Dent.

Miss...

Sun Ray to all sections.

Commence Cloudburst.

(All scream)

Ladies and gentlemen, please.

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