Carry On Henry Page #3

Yes, well, that is liable to take time,

Your Majesty.

I haven't got time. I need another wife.

Yes, well, perhaps in the meantime

you could make some other arrangements?

What other arrangements?

Like taking a mistress.

I am the King,

with a proud family motto to uphold.

- Never spit on your own doorstep.

- But my Lord Cardinal is right, sire.

We must step cautiously.

Don't tell me.

How do you think we got the motto?

No, I mean a hasty divorce

would be disastrous, sire.

Besides, there is no immediate hurry

for you to marry again, is there?

No, tomorrow will do, I suppose.

Tomorrow? Has Your Majesty already got

a new queen in mind?

Well, I haven't had time to look around yet.

If you could keep the Queen amused for a while.

Just keep her mind off it.

She's a Frenchwoman.

Their minds are never off it.

There must be something else

you could do together.

- I have it.

- Yes, what?

There's that new game that's all the rage

in the court. What do they call it now?

Ah, yes. Tiddlywinks.

Tiddlywinks?

It was just an idea.

Well, it was a lousy one.

Cannot you understand that I want something

to keep me away from her until the annulment?

Aha! That gives me an idea, sire.

There is one sure way by which she would never

suspect that you were trying to avoid... you know.

- Yes, yes, yes. What?

- Suppose there were to be a plot against you.

Suppose you were to be abducted

from her bedchamber before her very eyes.

That's it! But who do we get to do the abducting?

It has to be somebody discreet and trustworthy.

I have the very man in mind, sire.

One of Your Majesty's most loyal supporters.

Lord Hampton of Wick.

That's it! Go to it, Cromwell.

Aye, sire. But you must go

to the Queen's bedchamber - now.

Yes. Yes, I suppose I must.

Ah, well.

The things I do for England!

Right, gentlemen.

We are agreed that for the good of England,

Henry must go.

But how?

How is it to be accomplished?

I've had one idea, Lord Hampton.

You see, I have these barrels of gunpowder.

If we could smuggle them into Parliament

when he opens the next session

and blow the lot up...

An excellent notion, Fawkes,

but you overlook one small detail.

We all sit in Parliament.

(Knock on door)

- Who is that?

I, Thomas Cromwell.

(Whispers) Cromwell. Quickly.

My Lord Chancellor. This is indeed an honour.

Yes. Having a meeting, Hampton?

Just the usual Friday night sewing circle,

my lord.

Hmm, interesting.

You like the designs?

Yes, but not as much as those

that you have on the King's life.

What? My lord, I know not what you talk about.

Really? Then you won't be interested to learn

the King has expressed a wish

to be forcibly abducted tonight.

- He's what?

- Purely to suit his own ends, of course.

I thought you might like the job.

Well, of course, I would be honoured.

But what about the palace guards?

He has already removed them.

I see. And after he has been abducted?

Well, that's up to you, of course.

Accidents will happen.

HENRY:
No, no, no. You're not doing it properly.

QUEEN:
I know how to do it.

Well, look, like this. Look. See?

Now you have a go. Into that bowl.

Are you sure this is really

an old English pre-mating ritual?

Of course it is. It's traditional.

Before you can mate properly,

you have to get one in.

I thought everybody knew that.

Oh, very well, then.

- Ah! I've done it.

- You cheated.

I didn't. You saw.

So you can come to bed with me now,

can't you?

- Er, no, you have to tiddle first.

- I have tiddled.

No, no, no, that was winking.

Look, when we began,

you told me I had to tiddle into the pot.

You have to wink in and tiddle out.

Oh, all right, then.

- There! Satisfied?

- Very good, very good indeed.

Well, that's one game to you. We start again.

First one to get 20 in.

- 20? We'll be at it all night!

- Not if I can help it.

- Well, I've had enough!

- What did you do that for?

You can't fool me, Henry Tudor.

You are trying to avoid getting into bed with me.

How could you possibly get an idea like that?

I'm just putting it off, that's all.

- The great moment, I mean.

- Oh, well...

While you are putting it off,

I will just write a note

to my cousin Francis, the King of France.

Yes, well, perhaps we have waited long enough.

- We won't be needing that, will we?

- Where are you going now?

Empty the pan.

Leave it to the servants.

Yes, all right, then.

Well, here we are, then.

What shall we do now?

- What shall we do?

- Yes. Any ideas?

What do you do with all your other wives in bed?

Ah, let me think. Now, then...

With old Jane,

we used to play noughts and crosses.

Noughts and crosses?

Yes, I kept giving her nought and she got cross.

That reminds me.

Have I told you about my other wives?

Ah, yes, I can't wait to hear about them.

You see? All guards removed.

I'll leave you now. But remember,

I know nothing of tonight's venture.

One moment, my lord.

I would also like your word

that if anything goes wrong,

you will not divulge our real intent.

You have my hand on it.

And may good fortune attend on you.

Henry Tudor, I do not wish to hear

about your past wives.

Come now, you're only saying that

to make me feel better.

But it wouldn't be right to start our married life

without you knowing about the others.

- Now, where was I?

- Number two.

- Now, let's see. That brings us to number four.

- That's enough!

Henry, are you going to behave

like a proper husband to me or not?

- Yes, of course, dear...

- Well, then, you can save all that till later.

Sire!

I call upon you to surrender without a struggle.

That's what I've been trying

to get him to do all night!

What treason is this? It's a plot against me.

I'm about to be abducted.

- How do you know?

- It's obvious. They didn't come to watch.

We mean you no harm, ma'am.

All we want is the King's person.

There you are. What did I tell you?

Oh, Hampton, Hampton. Put that thing away.

How could you do this?

To tear me from the arms of my beloved

at the very moment

we're about to consummate our union!

Oh, well, er...

...we could come back later, of course.

Don't be stupid.

No, no, if it must be thus, thus be it.

May I know what is to become of me?

You will be taken to a secret place

and held prisoner.

Oh, how terrible!

Will I never see my dear wife again?

Go on, you're doing very well.

There you will be required to sign

a confession of your wrongdoings.

Alas, I cannot help that.

I was born with the wrong doings.

That done, then you will be done -

to death,

as painfully as you have done others.

- All right, don't overdo it.

- Seize him!

Not too rough... Ah, so this is the end!

Farewell, dear wife.

'Twould seem we are fated never to be one.

You're going to let them take you

without a fight?

- Alas, I can do nothing else.

- Well, I can!

No, no!

And don't come back!

They've gone. You can...

Henry?

Henry...

Hen...

Henry, where are you?

Ah, the wretch!

Now, what am I going to do

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