Carry On Henry Page #4

for the rest of the night?

On my life, Your Majesty,

if that isn't the best tunic I ever made,

my name isn't Moshe Montmorency.

- Yes, it's not bad.

- Not bad?

Never mind the quality, feel the cloth.

- We've had worse. What is it?

- This is the finest goats' hair.

- I thought it had a familiar smell.

- Ah, Your Majesty. Look at the fit.

The bustline and the waistline, Your Majesty.

- Without a lie, the goat it didn't fit as well.

- Yes, it's quite nice up here

- but the skirt's on the long side.

- Skirt? Long?

We're proud of our royal legs. We like the ladies

of the court to marvel at their length.

I make the skirt any higher and they won't be

marvelling at the length of the legs.

That reminds me.

Ineed a bit more length on my hose.

Your Majesty is much too modest.

His Excellency, the emissary of the Vatican,

- Conte Filippo di Pisa.

- You are welcome, Conte.

Please be seated, Conte.

You have come on the matter of the application

for an annulment of His Majesty's marriage?

- I have, my lord.

- I'd hoped as much.

And your master has given permission for it?

He has requested me to say

that he is most morally shocked

and righteously outraged

- by this request.

- Oh, dear.

But under certain conditions,

he might be prevailed upon

to overlook his deep-seated

and inviolate sense of duty.

All right. How much this time?

Come off it, that's double last time!

He is doubly shocked this time.

for your own pocket, my dear Conte?

My lord, I must protest most strongly.

I'm sorry, Conte. But as a churchman, I cannot

tolerate the thought of corruption in high office.

Very well.

I shall go and consult with the Chancellor.

Well, Wolsey, the word is good?

I think, if it's left to me,

I can arrange the divorce satisfactorily.

- Excellent!

- There's just one thing.

To do so, you'll have to let me have

It was only five last time.

Well, you know how it is. Inflation, rising prices.

- Indeed. The ever-rising cost-of-loving index.

- The sooner the better, of course.

Just a moment, my dear Cardinal.

Can I be assured this 10,000 is all for Rome?

Are you suggesting that I...

How dare you! You know well

that I'm an honourable man.

My dear Wolsey, I learned long ago

there is only one man in all England

who can be completely trusted and that's me.

Well, I protest strongly at the implication

that I would... Oh, never, oh!

Oh, all right, all right.

You'll get your 10,000.

I'll go and see the King straightaway.

Pardon the intrusion, Your Majesty.

But I thought you would like to know

I have had word from Rome.

The divorce, it's on?

I am confident, sire, that left in my hands,

I can get approval.

- Marvellous!

- Of course, it will entail a certain expenditure.

- How much?

- If you could let me have 20,000?

- 20,000!

- Well, rather more than usual, I know.

But little enough if you have it.

That's just the point. I haven't had it!

The money, I mean!

I shouldn't have to tell you that,

speaking royally, my mint has a hole in it.

Beautiful, beautiful. Fit for a king.

could be worth that much?

You should try it walking round the room a bit,

Your Majesty.

- Don't be filthy.

- The coat!

Of course we could raise a bit more by taxation.

Taxation? Everything's taxed to the hilt as it is.

Even swords.

- Swords taxed to the hilt. Very good!

- Oh, shut up!

I've been thinking.

There is one thing you haven't touched yet.

We're back to the wife again.

No, a brand-new form of taxation

I've just thought up.

S.E.T.

S.E. T?

Sex Enjoyment Tax.

Sex Enjoyment Tax?

Exactly, Your Majesty. Like drinking or smoking.

Every time they have one...

Yes, that could bring in quite a bit.

Might be a bit difficult to apply, though.

Oh, I don't think so.

No man wants to be thought lacking.

We give them a form

and they submit some sort of weekly return.

Do you think they'd stand for it?

Stand for it, sit for it, lie down for it.

As long as we get the money.

Halt, madam.

State your business with my Lord Cromwell.

Oh, get out of my way!

I trust I am not disturbing you,

my Lord Chancellor?

No, no, Your Majesty.

I was just checking the weekly yield

on my new Sex Enjoyment Tax.

A satisfactory one, I hope?

Not bad, not bad.

The takings are down

since we started the on -the-spot collections.

But then this business is bound

to have its ups and downs.

Yes, though precious few come my way.

My lord, I will come direct to business.

I demand to see the King.

I'm afraid that's quite impossible today, ma'am.

He's busy in his privy... council.

I will not be put off any longer.

Do you realise it is three months

since our marriage and he still hasn't?

- Hasn't what?

- Still hasn't.

Oh, yes, I quite understand of course.

But you must not be unduly alarmed.

These things take time.

My lord, I may seem a simple person,

but could you, as a man,

keep your bride waiting so long?

I am not married, ma'am.

No, but you are a man.

I have been aware of that fact.

Please, ma'am!

Oh, come, my lord. Do you choose to forget

that day at Hampton Court?

- Hampton?

- When you rescued me from the maze.

- Oh, when you couldn't find your way out.

- And you couldn't find your way in.

Yes, well, I... I hadn't done it before, you see.

Just think. We might have been there yet

had you not had the presence of mind

to lay a thread to follow back out.

Yes, good old Fred.

Would you not like to try it again, Thomas?

Without Fred?

Ma'am, I beg of you, please forget

that afternoon. I got carried away.

Thousands of men have been carried away

after only one hour with me, my lord.

- Yes, but not feet first.

- Oh, Thomas.

Tom! Take me in your arms and kiss me!

No, no, wait, wait!

- Your Majesty, someone might come in.

- I don't care!

Oh, Thomas. Tom.

You don't know how unsatisfying my life is.

I feel like a... a bottle of good wine

that has been left to waste after only one sip.

Well, for heaven's sake, put the cork back in!

Oh, you are a hard man, Thomas Cromwell.

What you're asking of me, ma'am, is wrong.

I am the King's friend. He trusts me.

And I am proud of that trust.

Ah...

But what if there were no king?

What do you mean?

If some accident were to befall him, what then?

Well, then, as Queen,

obviously you will reign in his stead.

Precisely.

And you in his bedstead.

What? What are you suggesting, ma'am?

That I, the King's most loyal

and devoted servant,

should actually plot to... should stoop to...

What kind of accident had you in mind?

Ah, no, Thomas.

Before I divulge that,

I must first have pledge

of your goodwill in the matter.

Well, what kind of pledge could I give?

Just a taste of that good wine I spoke of.

Well, I don't usually drink before six o'clock...

(Lustily) Whoar!

Cromwell, I've just been thinking that...

What goes on here?

Nothing, sire. Nothing. I was conversing with

the Queen when suddenly she came over faint.

Her emotions overflowed.

I just corked her in time...

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