Carry On Henry Page #6

is the consequence of the joining together

of the party of the first part's

and the party of the second part's parts."

As you said, very simple.

- You'll sign, then?

- Not on your Bonaparte.

Very well, then. Carry on.

His Excellency, the French ambassador.

Your Majesty!

My dear Duc de Poncenay.

I trust I do not intrude upon Your Majesty's time?

- Not at all. We're happy to receive you.

- A thousand thanks, sire.

- You're welcome. Cup of tea?

- Mais non, sire. I have but lately had elevenses.

Excellent. And what brings you to our court?

I am instructed by His Majesty, King Francis,

to offer his most profound congratulations.

Yes? What on?

Why, that your union with his cousin,

Queen Marie, is to be blessed with issue.

And how did he know that?

Good news travels fast, Your Majesty.

This is not exactly good news. I'm not really...

King Francis was so overjoyed

that he proposed, on the occasion of the birth,

to give you a personal presentation

of 50,000 gold crowns.

I dare say, but the point is...

Gold crowns.

- But Your Majesty was going to say something?

- No, no, nothing.

Bon. And now perhaps I may convey

our congratulations to your good Queen?

Yes, well, er, she's not here at the moment.

She's away.

Oh la la. King Francis did so desire an early

confirmation of her good health and happiness.

I tell you what, you join us for dinner tonight.

She'll be back by then.

That will be most delightful, Your Majesty.

Your servant, sire.

And yours.

Don't just stand there.

Get to the Tower and fetch her.

He's given in, m'lord. He's ready to sign.

At last! Bring him in. Bring him in.

My... My dear Sir Roger, I'm very glad you

decided to give in before things went too far.

There we are, my love.

Take it easy. That's it. We don't want anything

to happen to our precious little bundle, do we?

Your Majesty, your cousin King Francis

wishes me to convey to you

his most joyous felicitations.

What on? Being confined

in the Tower of London?

What?

Er, now, dear, don't get excited.

Think of the baby.

Pay no attention. They always act

funny when they're in the issue way.

True, but I did not understand. What is this

about being confined in the Tower?

Oh, that's just an old English tradition.

Queens always have their babies there.

True, but I think you meant confined, locked up.

No, no, confined - knocked up. It's very different.

Your quaint English customs.

Yes, they are quaint... Yes, well, let's drink

to the successful delivery of my baby.

Your baby?

- Naturally, who else's?

- You want a list?

If you don't want to go straight back

to the Tower, shut your drawbridge.

Then if it is yours, exactly what are you trying

to make poor Sir Roger confess to?

Me? I'm not trying

to make him confess to anything.

Your Majesty, I have it. The signed confession!

- What confession?

- Sir Roger's confession of fatherhood.

He's a liar. I don't want it. Get a retraction.

A retraction? You must be mad!

You know perfectly well that

your confession was a deliberate lie.

What?

All that nonsense about the party of the first part.

You never even touched the Queen.

I beg your jolly pardon, but I most certainly did!

Your affair with her

was a figment of your imagination.

Oh, yes? Did you ever hear of a figment

that left teeth marks in your neck?

I don't wish to know that.

What I want is a signed retraction.

A simple statement like

"The Queen and I are just good friends."

Oh, no. I am incapable of doing it.

Oh, even better. Impotency, yes.

No, no, no.

I mean I could never sign such a statement.

My dear Sir Roger, you don't want

to go back on the rack, do you?

- Not particularly.

- Then do I get my retraction or not?

- Not.

- Not?

- Not.

- Not?

Why do I always get knotted?

Put him back on the rack.

# Court music

You're a cunning old bastard.

I made a mistake, my love.

You're the only woman for me.

I just can't wait to take your loveliness

into my arms.

- Every stone of it.

- I'll believe that when it happens.

Wait till I get you upstairs.

I'll show you something.

Like you did the last time?

Playing all night with your tiddlywink?

More music. More, I say!

Pardon, Your Majesty, but I should be

greatly honoured if I could cut in.

Of course, my dear Duc.

No, no, Your Majesty. I meant with Her Majesty.

Oh, yes, help yourself.

Well, everybody to his own taste.

Oh, Your Grace, it is indeed a joy to see

you and the Queen so happily reunited.

Yes, she's not a bad old stick, really.

After all, youth isn't everything, is it?

Indeed not, sir.

It is well said that there's many a good tune

played on an old fiddle.

True. Particularly when you haven't had

your bow out for some time.

What do I want another wife for?

Look at the shower here tonight.

Not one of them worth a second look.

Certainly not worth giving up 50,000 crowns for.

I tell you, Wol...

- Wolsey.

- Yes, my lord.

- Who's that with the two beauties?

- That's your third wife, sire.

Not her. The fella that's just come in

with the two beauties.

Fellow with two beauties, my lord?

Ooh, I see what you mean.

Oh, that's old Charles,

the Earl of Bristol,

and his daughters.

Oh, so those are Charlie's.

Why haven't I seen them at court before?

He's been our ambassador at the Spanish court.

They've only just come back.

Looks like one of them hasn't had time

to unpack yet.

Ha, ha! Maybe I can give her a hand with it.

# Musicians play

- Ah, the pavane. My favourite measure.

Mine, too.

- Fancy that!

- Yes, I'm afraid he does.

May I have the pleasure?

Oh, no, I only came here to dance.

The King is asking you to dance, Bettina.

Oh, well, that's...

The King!

Please excuse her, Your Majesty.

'Tis her first time at court.

That's all right. There has to be

a first time for every girl. May I, then?

Oh, well, of course, Your Majesty.

If I'd known who you were,

I wouldn't have said no.

You keep on saying that and we'll be all right.

So they call you Bettina?

Yes, but most people

just call me Bet, Your Majesty.

If I'm going to call you Bet, you must call me Maj.

All right, Maj.

You dance very well, Bet.

Thank you, Maj.

I'll bet you got plenty of it in Spain, eh?

Oh, no, they never let me be alone

with anyone long enough.

No, dancing, I mean.

Oh, yes. But it's very different there, you know.

You see, there's these two things...

Yes, I'd noticed those.

- They call them castanets.

- Oh, that's a new name for 'em.

And all the time you're dancing,

they keep knocking together.

Yes, I'd noticed that, too.

It's getting chilly in here. Shall we go

into the summerhouse and warm up a bit?

Oh, no, I've heard what happens to girls

who go into summerhouses with men.

Good, that should save a bit of time.

Oh, but I mustn't.

I promised my mother I'd be a good Bet.

You're the best bet I've seen in years,

believe me.

Maj!

Why is he taking her out into the garden?

Oh, I expect just to get a little air, ma'am.

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