Carry On Henry Page #7

How many more heirs does he want?

HENRY:
That's it. Now you're getting the idea.

BET:
Oh! Oh, no more!

BET:
I'm not used to that much, you know.

HENRY:
It won't hurt. Just a bit more.

Nearly finished.

BET:
Oh, no...

BET:
No, no!

HENRY:
Come on, come on.

Oh, no! My mother says

I mustn't have too much drink.

It can lead to a girl's ruin.

I'm beginning to love your mother.

Drink inflames the ardour.

Yes, the more you have, the harder it gets.

To stop drinking, I mean. Ha, ha!

Ooh!

Oh, I can hardly believe it.

Little me in the King's arms.

Well, it's the best boozer in town.

With all those beautiful ladies in there,

why on earth did you pick on me?

Well, there's a couple of things, I suppose.

Oh, Maj! You're only after one thing.

Why? What's the matter with the other one?

Oh, I think you're one of those men

with evil dimensions.

Intentions. On the contrary, my dear,

I'm about to do you the greatest honour

a benevolent monarch can do a subject.

I know, you're going to make me a lady.

Well, not quite.

- What, then?

- To start with, I'm going to kiss you.

Oh, no, my mother says I mustn't start kissing

men. You never know where it will end.

I know where it will end.

No, she says I must save myself

until I have a husband.

- Well, that's all right. I'm a husband.

- That's right.

- You are, aren't you?

- Yes.

There!

- That was a little one.

- Yes.

- Now, show me a big one.

- Oh, no, not now. I'm too hot.

No wonder you're too hot.

You're laced up too tight.

Oh, no. Don't you undo those.

I've nothing underneath.

You must be joking! Go on, I won't look.

Oh, well, all right, then. But I'll undo them.

If you promise to keep your eyes shut

all the time?

Yes, yes, of course, yes.

I won't be a minute.

There, that's better.

Come on, where are you?

Cor... Ooh!

Oh, Bet, my darling Bet,

you are beautiful.

- Ooh, what have I done?

- Hee, hee!

You little devil, you!

Come here!

There must be an easier way to earn a loving.

Come here!

Ah, good day, my love. Good day indeed.

And where, might I ask, have you been

for the past two weeks?

Me? I had to go down to Bristol

to lay a foundation stone.

Yes, I rather thought

you might be laying something.

How good it is to see my dear wife

so happily intent on her embroidery.

And why should I not be happy, my lord,

when it is something to remind me of you?

Me? Really? Let's have a look.

It is not quite finished yet.

No. No, don't tell me...

Oh, yes. "Henry is a sh...

shining example to one and all."

Oh, now you have spoilt my little surprise.

And talking of surprises, my love,

I have one for you.

- Yes?

- Something you've needed for some time.

- Isn't it a little late for that?

- You'll never guess. A new lady-in-waiting.

Come in, my dear.

There you are.

Now, don't say I never get you anything.

Go on, say your piece.

Your Majesty,

it is a great honour.

The King has done me.

No, no, no. No full stop.

A great honour the King has done me.

Oh, that's right. Sorry.

It is a great honour the King has done me

by making me.

By making me your lady-in-waiting.

Dear, oh, dear.

By making me your lady-in-waiting.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

A whole month gone

and nothing but an occasional wave

do I get from her to still the fever in my blood.

Methinks, sire, it is high time

we went hunting again.

No, I'm in no mood for that.

Ooh, I have such a passion for this wench,

it rots my very socks.

- Then make her yours.

- Don't you think I've tried?

But every time my eager hand lights upon

her... flesh, you can hear the wedding march.

- Oh, then you must marry her.

- And lose 50,000 crowns?

Perhaps for nothing? Oh, no.

I've been tricked by women before.

Too often have I split open a likely looking pod

to find nothing but shrivelled peas within.

You have not seen her without?

No, worst luck.

If I could only be sure that the...

...were all they promised, I would indeed risk all.

Well, sire,

there are more ways than one to peel a banana.

- Over here, we have petunias.

- They're lovely.

- A little further down is the rose garden.

- They're beautiful.

The gardeners are kept very busy.

There's quite a lot of them.

Well, there would need to be, wouldn't there?

The swans should be coming up fairly shortly.

- Over there, you see.

- Oh, where?

- Oh, yes.

- I've got the biggest swan in the country.

- Come over here, I'll show it to you.

- Yes.

Now, just over here, you get a beautiful view.

Just er... round about there, I would say.

Oh!

You twit!

Oh, you poor thing!

You're all wet through.

Here, let me help you off with your cloak.

No, no, it's the wrong way round.

I was supposed to help...

See? That is the window of the room

where she daily bathes at this hour.

Ha, ha! Right, no mistakes this time.

Don't worry, sire, nothing can go wrong.

All right, let's go.

- Well, come on, come on.

- She won't move, sire.

- Giddy-up, you lazy lump!

(Horse whinnies)

No! Argh!

M'lord, Sir Roger's given in.

He'll sign a retraction statement.

Thank heavens! After all these weeks of waiting.

Well, bring him in.

Cromwell, you win again.

I warned you, Sir Roger. We'll go to...

We'll go to any lengths to get what we want.

You sent for me, my lord?

Yes, Mistress Bet. We're so well pleased

with your services that we wish to honour you.

- Oh! Oh, how lovely!

- Carry on, my Lord Cardinal.

It is Our most gracious Majesty's desire

that you be given this.

Oh, isn't it lovely?

Shall I put it on?

Not yet. A ceremonial gown goes with it

that you must put on first.

- Oh. Now?

- Of course.

But surely Your Grace would not be so cruel as

to ask me to take this one off before your eyes?

Of course not. That's what the screen is for.

Oh, I'm sorry I misjudged you, my lord.

- Phwoar!

- Do you mind?

Oh, I beg your pardon, Your Majesty,

but I have ne'er seen one

so beautifully endowed.

Those dimpled shoulders,

that slender neck,

those shell-like ears...

Later. I'm going the other way.

Mmm.

Sire, I have it! I have it!

Quiet.

There. Is it all right?

Absolutely perfect, my dear.

Cromwell, you couldn't have come

at a better time. Meet your future queen.

How do you do, ma'am?

Here it is at last, sire. Duly signed.

Future queen?

That's right. As from as soon as possible.

But I have Sir Roger's retraction here. Look.

Retraction, you fool! What use is that?

I want a divorce.

A divorce? But what of Queen Marie?

Your issue? The 50,000 gold crowns?

You charlatan! Would you put mere gold

before the wellbeing of all England?

Wellbeing of England?

Certainly. If I'm happy, everybody's happy.

What are you waiting for?

Go and get that confession.

(Sobs hysterically)

Well, there you are, then. As you see,

I've managed to get your old room back for you.

- It's really quite...

- Please, my Lord Cardinal.

Spare me the bit about the view

from the window. I've seen it.

Well, it won't be for long. Just until they get

Sir Roger's confession of paternity.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes