Carry On Henry Page #8

My lord, you are still my friend, art thou not?

Oh, I most definitely art, yes.

Then help me get word of my imprisonment

to my cousin King Francis.

Oh, not another letter, please.

Oh, 'tis only a short one.

Oooh...

Don't worry, I'll tell him.

What do you mean, he won't fit into it any more?

The rack won't go any further, m'lord.

He's outgrown it.

That's ridiculous. There must be some way.

Here, wait a minute.

What about the iron maiden?

I've never tried that.

Well, I suppose we could give it a try.

Hello? Anyone in there?

Oh, no, it says vacant. Look.

That's a bit of luck.

Would you mind? Thanks. The hat.

There. I think I can manage it.

Mind you don't prick yourself.

Bye-bye.

Don't stay in there too long.

Others may want to use it.

Move the spikes in one inch daily.

- Your Majesty.

- Did you get the confession?

- I fear not, sire.

- It's been a whole week.

I know. His stamina's amazing.

But I don't think he can keep it up.

I don't think I can either.

How much longer

are we going to stand here waiting?

All right. Take a break. Back in an hour.

Then that is the plan, gentlemen.

We rescue Queen Marie from the Tower,

confront Henry with her,

and force his abdication in her favour.

Agreed. But how will we gain access

to the main gate? It's heavily bolted.

Yes. That is the main problem.

- Well, I still have those barrels of gunpowder.

- Thank you, Fawkes!

Well, well, I see you're keeping busy, ma'am.

Yes, it is a present for my cousin Francis.

When it is finished, I would like you

to smuggle it out to him.

Oooh!

Ooh, I do hope that won't be necessary, ma'am.

- Sir Roger has not confessed yet, then?

- No, no.

No, ma'am, it's quite extraordinary.

Two weeks now.

Is it true, then? He is ready to sign?

I think so, m'lord. At the last turn of the spikes,

he cried out, "Enough!"

Oh, good. Open up, then, quickly. Open up.

Well, well, Sir Roger.

- You've had enough, then?

- I'll say.

There was a shocking draught

in the most extraordinary places.

Well, help him out. Quickly, quickly.

Sign here.

Oh, do you mind?

First, please, can I have a drink?

Yes. Water, quickly. Go to the King immediately

and tell him the good news.

Here, sign. Sign here.

- Sir Roger is to sign the confession.

- That's it. I'm divorced. Here we go.

Come on, love. Wake up. This is it.

Where's Wolsey? Where is he?

He said he had to go to Canterbury

to try a witch.

- Try a witch! Why?

- Oh, don't ask me.

I should have thought

they'd be the same as any other girl.

He doesn't mean "try" in that sense.

Never mind, we'll do it without him.

- We weren't going to do it with him, were we?

- I mean get married.

- But how?

- Nothing to it. Just stand there. I'll show you.

She does. I do. I now declare us. That's it.

In you go. Through there.

- Is that all?

- What do you want? Organ music?

- But I don't feel married.

- You will in half an hour.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Every inch a queen

and every inch accounted for.

- Sh!

- What are you reading?

Ball's Book of English Law.

- Pardon?

- It says here

that no marriage is legal unless it is performed

by a member of the church.

Oh, that's just Ball's... outlook.

- But it says it.

- I know that.

But what you don't know is that I made myself

head of the English Church.

- Really? When?

- Right now.

Oh, so it's all right, then. I really am Queen?

That's it. Bet, Queen of England.

You'll have to tell me what my duties are.

I'll do better. I'll show you.

(Clang!)

How many times do I have to tell them

about that? It could have ruined my prospects.

Poor Henry. Can I do something?

If you can't, I've been wasting my time.

Hang on.

Oh, Bet. Sweet Bet.

How long have I waited for this moment?

Oh, dear Henry. I do hope

I shall not be a disappointment to you.

- I'm sure you won't.

- But it's all right for you.

- You've had plenty of practice.

- Oh, Bet, sweet Bet.

(Knock on door)

- Oh, no, go away! I'm busy.

Pardon, but it's King Francis.

He's riding into the courtyard.

Francis!

It is Francis. I'm sorry, love. I'll have to go.

Keep it warm. I'll be back as soon as I can.

- Fanny!

- Gracey!

Oh, pardon. Lipstick.

How overjoyed I am to see you again,

my dear friend.

And I you. I hope you did not mind

my coming unheralded?

Not at all. I am honoured to see

my noble, well-loved ally at any time.

Merci. Up ze glorious line of England!

And up yours. Well, I won't keep you.

I expect you're wanting to get back home.

True, true.

But I could not bear to leave without first paying

respects to my dear cousin, Queen Marie.

Yes... Well, now, that's not quite possible

at the moment.

- No?

- Well, she's getting very near her time.

How you so quaintly put it.

In ze club of ze pudding?

That's it. Queen's pudding. Ha, ha!

And no doubt she will be resting

up in her bedchamber now, eh?

Naturally. Where else?

You know, this will make you

laugh very much. But...

- An absurd rumour has reached me...

- Yes?

...zat she is being confined in ze Tower.

The Tower? Ha, ha!

Absurd, I know.

Something about ze pudding not being yours.

Ha, ha!

I've never heard anything so ridiculous in my life.

Absurd, I know. That is what I tell my advisors.

You see,

Bidet, I told you,

there was no need to bring ze army.

Army?

Just 20,000 men. They are encamped at Dover.

Fancy. I hope they're enjoying themselves.

Dover can be very nice at this time of year.

I thought ze change would do them good.

They're very restless, you know.

They have not fought for some time.

Yes, I've er... just had a thought.

I'll pop upstairs and see

if Marie can see you for a while.

Oh, zat would be most kind.

I thought it might be. Meanwhile, I'll have

some food and wine brought in for you.

- Oh, zat would be delightful.

- Yes.

Get wine and food.

Keep them occupied as long as you can.

Yes, sire.

- Wolsey, come here!

- Ooh, I'm so sorry...

Never mind. Go to the Tower fast as you can

and bring Marie here.

- What?

- Go on! Go on!

Oh, Fawkes!

You and your bloody gunpowder!

Just a minute.

Come on!

Well, well, well. Looking after you all right,

are they, gentlemen?

Plenty of wine?

Where's King Francis?

I fear he grew impatient, my lord,

and decided to go up and surprise the Queen.

Oh, no!

Now it's war.

Haw-haw-haw!

Surprise!

Oh, pardon, madam!

Oh, that's all right.

I... I thought this was the Queen's bedchamber.

Oh, it is. Who are you, then?

Francis,

King of France.

At your service.

Oh, I say! Two kings in my room in one night.

That's going it!

- Mon Dieu, you are ravishing!

- What, me?

What we call in France, un petit raver.

Ooh!

But tell me, I must know... who are you?

Oh, I'm the Queen, silly.

Ze Queen?

Oh, you've met.

Who is this and what does she mean by...

she is the Queen?

Did she tell you that? She's having you on.

Don't take any notice.

You're a naughty girl.

What are you doing in the Queen's bed?

Waiting for you.

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