Carry On Henry Page #9

BOTH:
Ha! Ha!

lunderstand. She is your mistress?

She is not. She's the Queen's lady-in-waiting,

Mistress Bettina.

What are you talking about? You married me.

Ha, ha! Married!

That's a laugh.

She's a nice, little thing

but she hasn't got much up here.

But she makes up for it elsewhere, eh?

Don't you think we ought to go back downstairs?

No, no. I wish to have a few words

with Mistress Bettina.

My dear, are you hiding something from me?

In this nightgown? You must be joking.

Then zere is something

I want you to tell me very truthfully.

Yes, what?

I wish to know where Marie is.

- Marie?

- Oui, oui.

Oh, she's up the spout.

Er, no, no. I don't zink you quite understand.

Where - is - she?

Oh! Oh, she's upstairs.

Upstairs?

That's right. In the Tower.

- So, it is true?

- Now, wait a minute, Fanny. I can explain.

Don't bother!

I shall return...

with my army.

Big mouth!

Gentlemen!

We will rejoin ze army.

It is war.

Fanny, wait! Here, Fanny.

Fanny, come here. Now, let me explain.

You are a liar. You told me

the Queen was not in ze Tower.

- Only because I didn't want to worry you.

- Worry? Me?

You see,

I had news of a plot on the Queen's life.

They were going to abduct her from the palace.

- And?

- And well, to fool them,

we put the lady-in-waiting in her room and

Wolsey took the Queen to the Tower for safety.

- I hope zis time you are telling me the truth.

- Why should I lie?

Your Majesty...

Here's Wolsey. He'll tell you.

- Your Majesty, I have dire news.

- I'm not interested in your personal complaints.

- But, sire...

- Never mind.

King Francis would like to know

whether the Queen is safely in the Tower.

- No, she isn't.

- Don't mess about. You can tell him. It's fine.

But she isn't there. She's been abducted.

Well, Henry? What game is this, huh?

I cannot believe it. My dear beautiful wife,

to lose her at such a time.

- And it's all your fault, you Cardinal!

- Me? What have I done?

What haven't you done? I entrusted her

to you and you betrayed my trust.

- I've been trying to get rid of her for a year.

- There's only one cure for traitors.

- To the Tower with him!

- Ooh, no! Get your hands off me.

Sire, look... Mind my hat!

Listen, can I... I explain?

My lord...

My beloved Marie.

My only true love.

Bear up. All is not lost.

She may yet be found alive.

I hope not... er, hope all is not lost.

I cannot bear the...

thought of never holding that lissom form

in my arms again. Oh, the enormity of it!

She was a bit on the large side, Gracey.

But I loved her, Fanny. Every little acre of her.

I know how you feel.

I only recently lost my last queen, you know.

- Oh, I didn't know. How?

- It was quite sudden.

She... caught her neck in ze guillotine.

- Her Majesty, Queen Marie!

BOTH:
What?

Marie!

Oh, dear cousin!

- Welcome, Francis.

- What a joy to see you safe and...

- Well!

- Thanks only to Lord Hampton here.

My love! My own true love,

I cannot tell you how delighted I am.

You may not be so delighted once you have

heard what Lord Hampton has to say.

- Sire, it is my painful duty...

- No, no. No apologies, my dear Hampton.

It is enough that you have delivered

my dear Queen safely back to me.

- I do not think you can understand...

- And your grateful King will reward you.

- I know you're a poor man.

- Yes. But actually, I came here...

No, no modesty, my dear Hampton.

Give me your sword.

Kneel.

Hampton of Wick, we do herewith dub you

Lord of the Duchy of Berkshire.

Arise, Hampton, Prince of Berks.

Sire, I am sensible to the honour but...

And the 10,000 crowns a year that go with it.

I am your most loyal servant, Your Majesty.

You'd better be.

You now have our permission to withdraw.

Lord Hampton!

Have you forgotten the purpose of your coming?

I am sorry, ma'am,

but I must live up to my family motto:

"Non fartum contra tornaetrum,"

which unhappily means

"Fight not against thunder."

Well, I'm glad that's all settled.

Now I must take you up to bye-byes.

Oh, no, you don't, Henry Tudor.

I am not yet finished with you

or that puny little Hampton.

Now, steady, love. Not in front of the visitors.

You may have been able to silence him.

But not me.

Cousin Francis, I must tell you...

Sire! Sire!

Sire, I have it.

Look, the confession. All signed.

- What confession? What do you mean?

- Sir Roger's confession of paternity...

Oh! Yes, well, perhaps some other time.

Just a minute. Let me see that.

So it's you that's been fermenting

this dastardly lie.

Yes... What?

Do you think I would have believed it possible

of such a loving wife as she?

- But I thought...

- This is what I think of your base treachery.

- No!

- And you will go the way of all traitors. Guards!

- But I have done your bidding, sire.

- Quiet! To the Tower!

The Tower! Not the Tower!

Anything but the Tower!

Oh, I beseech you from my bowels.

Oh, hear! Hear!

Would you credit it? My own Lord Chancellor!

I tell you, you cannot trust anyone these days.

How very true.

And now, Marie,

what were you about to tell me, huh?

Only that...

...Henry has been

a most loving and devoted husband

and will, I am certain, continue to be so

for the rest of our days.

- Right, dear?

- Yes, dear. Of course, dear.

And will renounce all other seasoning

and convert to the garlic? Right?

Naturally.

In that case, I can return to France reassured.

Good. Don't think that I'm not grateful

for the concern you showed my dear wife.

- If there's anything I can do in return?

- Oh, no, no... Oui. There is something.

- Name it. She'll be yours.

- Er, Marie has a lady-in-waiting,

Mistress Bettina, who has held my fancy.

- Er, no, no...

- But of course you may have her.

She would make an excellent queen.

Do you not think so, Henry?

Oh, no, not her. Not for a great king like Francis.

Do you not think so, Henry?

Yes, dear. Wonderful.

Well, goodbye, Bet.

Bye, Henry. Oh, isn't it exciting?

Me, Queen of France.

Yes, innit?

What a good job you found out we weren't

really married before we did anything.

Yes, wasn't it?

On avance!

- What I do for England.

- Your Majesty, the Queen is in labour.

Don't worry, they'll never get back in.

No, no, no, in child labour, sire.

Eh?

Blimey!

Where is he? I must see the little b... er, fella.

My son.

The image of you, dear.

Dear wife,

I am eternally grateful to you.

To show my gratitude, I shall devote

the rest of my life to you and you alone.

- Who's that?

- The new lady-in-waiting, sire.

Her name is Catherine Howard.

Mmmmm!

- What do you mean, it's all my fault?

- Well, you arranged the match with Marie.

- Rubbish! It was all your idea.

- It wasn't!

- It was!

- Liar!

Hypocrite!

Stop! Stay the execution!

What? Are we pardoned, sire?

Yes, I have urgent need of your services.

Oh, well, I shall only be too happy

to serve Your Majesty.

Me, too, sire. You've only to command.

I want an immediate divorce.

- Yes...

BOTH:
What?

Carry on, executioner!

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