Carry On Loving

# Swinging wedding medley

Bye-bye, my old lad,

and thanks for a smashing weekend.

Wonderful company, lovely food

and your wife makes love magnificently!

(Train horn)

Excuse me, sir, but did I hear you correctly?

What's that, old chap?

You've been a guest in that gentleman's house

for the weekend

and you tell him to his face

that his wife makes love magnificently?

Yes, that's right.

Do you think that's quite correct?

Well, no. Not exactly, no.

But he's such a nice chap,

I wouldn't like to say anything to offend him.

I say, that was rather thoughtful of you.

(Conductor whistles tune)

- Fare?

- Oh, very fair, I'd say.

Come on, come on. I ain't got all day.

Oh, um, Guildhall, please.

Fares, please. Any more fares, please?

Fares, please.

Going all the way?

Why don't you go down front, sir?

You'll see better.

Don't lie to me, Sidney Bliss. You were with

that woman Esme Crowfoot all evening.

I keep telling you, I only popped in for a bit.

Half an hour, that's all. That's not long.

That's long enough for you.

What've you been doing? Holding a stopwatch?

What were you doing going to her flat, anyway?

She's one of our clients, isn't she?

I have to vet 'em, don't I?

Oh, "vet"! Is that the new word for it?

I can't fix 'em up with the right partners

until I find out what they do and how... they live.

Like the young widow at the tobacconist?

You must have "vetted" her at least 50 times!

Oh, God,

I only keep going in there for my shag!

Look, it's my job to find out

what the female clients do.

You should look after the men.

Don't be stupid. I know what they do.

Oh, don't try and joke your way out of it.

What would you say if I started vetting

all the male clients?

- I'd say, "Gawd help 'em."

- You rotten beast!

- I've had enough!

- Sophie, it hurts!

- Cut it out!

- I've had enough of you!

It's every night!

Sophie, it hurts.

Have you gone raving mad?

(Doorbell chimes Here Comes The Bride)

Come in.

Oh! Oh, I beg your pardon.

That's all right, sir. We're not ashamed of

being in love, are we, sweetheart?

- No, dear.

- What can we do for you, sir?

Er, well, it's about your advert.

I was looking for a wife.

And you couldn't have come to a better place.

Could he, my little baby?

No, indeed.

Well, it looks as if I shall have to leave you

for a little while, darling.

Business before pleasure, my dove.

You'll excuse us, won't you?

See you soon, sugar puff.

I'll be counting the moments

till I can get at you again.

It's amazing. Ten years we've been married.

You'd never believe it.

Oh, wonderful. I wouldn't mind a wife like that.

Like that?

No, we'll find you something better than...

We'll find you something more suited to you.

Won't you sit down, Mr?

Oh, Muffet. Bertram Muffet.

Muffin. Well, we'll have to find you

a crumpet to go with that, won't we?

- I beg your pardon?

- Never mind. Now, then, Mr Muffin...

- Er, Muffet.

- Muffet, yes.

Our charges, and very reasonable they are too,

are two guineas registration,

two for the introduction and two when you click.

- Click?

- Get married.

If you click without getting married,

it's four guineas.

Oh, yes, that's fine.

Bertram Muffin.

Muffet.

That's it, yes. We'll just get a few details. Age?

Oh, er, 17, I think.

Well, I thought the younger she was,

the longer she'd last.

No, no, no. I want your details. Your age.

Oh, 27.

Same as most chaps like to do, I suppose.

And that is?

Well, I don't know. I've never done it yet.

You should try it. It's lovely.

What I'm trying to do is

to find out what you like to do,

so I can fix you up with a girl who likes it, too.

Oh, yes, I would like a girl who likes it, too.

Yes, it is handy. Hobbies?

Oh, well,

my main one is making model aeroplanes.

Model aeroplanes?

- Yes, out of milk bottle tops.

- Milk bottle tops?

- Yes. They're not flying models, of course.

- No? You surprise me. Any other hobbies?

I rather like collecting book matches.

You know, all the different packets.

I don't think we'll have much trouble

finding you a girl that likes making aeroplanes

out of bottle tops and collecting the odd packet.

Oh, good.

Right, well, that's the lot.

Oh, wonderful. Er, what happens now?

Come with me.

Now, then.

All we do is feed the information

into the computer here,

and, after a few minutes,

the lady suitable to you will come out there.

What? Through that little slot?

She must be very small.

No, no, no.

Just the lady's particulars, not the lady herself.

This is a fantastic piece of machinery,

you know that? It cost a bomb.

This is a miracle of modern technology.

Here we go.

Bottle tops and book matches!

What a catch!

Ah! (Laughs)

Oh, yes. I think this is the ideal one, Mr Bliss.

Here we are, then.

Oh, gosh! That was quick.

- That's the beauty of it, you see, Mr Muffin.

- Muffet.

A fellow can spend his lifetime trying to find

the right girl. This machine does it in minutes.

Shall we see who the lucky lady is, then?

There's been a slight technical error here.

This one is definitely out of circulation.

What's the idea? Why her?

Why not? She's one of our clients.

- I know that, but she's no good.

- You seem to find her very satisfactory.

All right. You've had your little joke.

Let's have another one.

You seem to forget, Sidney, dear,

I didn't choose her,

it was chosen by

that miracle of modern technology.

Or perhaps you'd like me to explain

to our clients how it works.

No, no, no.

We don't need you... darling.

I want to see that

the gentleman's fixed up properly, dear.

It's a pity about that, Mr Muffin, a great pity.

- Oh, has your computer gone wrong?

- No, it's been too accurate.

- This lady's hobby is not compatible with yours.

- Oh, but how?

Well, she likes to make Christmas decorations

out of milk bottle tops.

That could lead to fights every morning

about who's going to have the top.

I'm sure we wouldn't.

It would bring your aircraft production

to a standstill.

Oh, nonsense, sweetheart.

I think it's a lovely idea.

Can't you just imagine these two young people

sitting in front of a fire every evening,

doing things with their tops?

I'm quite ready to have a go at it if she is,

Mr Bliss.

She's ready all right, mate...

to have a go, I mean.

Don't be a spoilsport, Sidney.

Her number's on the card. Let me call it.

I'll do it...

darling.

That's it. Now, hold it.

(Phone rings)

Oh, excuse me one moment, will you?

Esme Crowfoot speaking. Can I help you?

Oh, this is Mr Bliss of the Wedded Bliss Agency.

You've got a nerve calling me after the way

you behaved last night, I must say.

Yes, and I'm very sorry if I bothered you,

Miss Crowfoot.

The fact is we have a young gentleman here

who's very anxious to meet you.

Well, if he's anything like you,

I don't think I care to meet him, thank you.

She's all excited about it.

I don't know what you think I am,

or expect me to do,

but it'll take more than a dozen tired daffodils

to do it, I can assure you.

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