Carry On Loving Page #2

That's nice of you to say so.

We do our best to give satisfaction.

How about this evening?

- Yes, that's fine with Mr Muffin.

- Muffet.

How about the Parkway Cocktail Bar,

Lovely. Fine. Yes, not at all. It's a pleasure.

You're very welcome.

That's that, then.

Two guineas registration, two guineas for

the introduction. That's four guineas altogether.

I'll give you one of our introductory cards,

so that she knows you come from us.

Oh, yes, thank you.

And you might like to have our little booklet,

giving a few tips on courtship,

a sort of Do-lt-Yourselves.

- I beg your pardon?

- Never mind. There we are.

Thank you.

Oh, yes, thank you very much.

That's very nice of you.

The Wit To Woo by Sidney Bliss. Interesting.

Yes, well, that's all, then.

And the very, very best of luck to you, Mr Muffet.

Er, Muffin. Erm...

Was there something else?

- Just my change. I gave you a five pound note.

- That's right.

There's two guineas registration, two for

the introduction and 16 bob for the booklet.

Oh. Oh, yes.

I... Yes. Oh, thank you.

Yes. Not at all. There we are.

Don't forget. Parkway Cocktail Bar, 7:30. Ta-ta.

Sophie. Sophie!

Now, cut it out, Sophie!

Well, Henry, you heard Mr Snooper's advice.

Do you think we should try it?

If you want to, Emily, but personally I don't think

a pair of steps is going to be the answer.

If I'm to help you sort out your problems,

I must insist on absolute candour.

Do not be afraid to use natural words

for natural functions.

You won't easily shock me, I can promise you.

So, let's have all the dirty linen out

and give it a jolly good washing, eh?

Now, who's going to be first? You, Mrs Dreery?

Well, really,

I suppose the trouble is we just can't get on.

Now, let's try to be more precise.

Get on... what? A horse? A bus?

Oh, no. You know.

Well, we just seem to have rows all the time.

Ah, rows, yes. About what, precisely?

Oh, everything. Like the way he went on

about that fireside chair I got him.

I think so, an' all. Look at it!

It must've been made for a bloody midget.

I couldn't get half my arse on it.

Hardly the cause for a row, Mr Dreery.

You must learn to turn the other cheek,

in a manner of speaking.

I didn't come here for a laugh, you know, mate.

I can stay at home and look at her for that.

Yes, well, there's usually some deeper,

underlying cause for stress in these cases.

Of course there is.

Let's face it.

You see, our problem is about our... sex.

You shouldn't have any trouble in that direction.

After all, you're one of each.

Some people are far worse off, you know.

- Are you trying to be funny, mate?

- No, no. Certainly not.

You don't seem to get the point, mate.

You see, the trouble with my wife is...

she won't have...

relations.

Oh, I think that's hardly fair, Mrs Dreery.

After all, it's perfectly normal to entertain

members of the family from time to time.

No, no, no, no, no.

She won't have...

...intercourse.

What?! Well, you must chat about something.

What he's trying to say is that we never have it.

That intimacy never takes place between us.

Ah, I see! Well, of course, you should have

mentioned that in the first place.

Obviously, that's the basic root of the problem.

Yes. Well, of course.

It naturally follows that everyone

should lead a well-balanced sex life.

That's the trouble: it isn't well balanced.

He's five stone heavier than me.

Mm. Yes. Oh.

I see. Yes, I can understand

the position you've been put on... put in.

Stone the crows. What's he talking about?

But don't you see?

At the moment, you are a dead weight.

And you're a bloody dead loss.

Don't talk to me like that!

Here I am, trying to help you...

Help me?

You couldn't help a dog find a bloody lamppost.

How dare you!

You come here using ridiculous words

like "relations" and "intercourse"

without having the slightest idea

what they mean!

I don't know what they mean?!

You're round the bleedin' twist!

That's it! Get out of my office, do you hear?

Get out!

We're getting out! Don't worry, mate!

Mr Snooper,

I must ask you to keep your voice down!

You can be heard all over the building.

I'm sorry. I was trying to give

this wretched couple some advice.

Advice? You couldn't advise a constipated cow

to take a laxative.

Sir, sir, if you and your wife

would care to wait outside,

I'll see you in a moment.

Snooper, these incidents are happening

far too often.

Well, I'm really very, very sorry, sir.

It's not all your fault. I shouldn't have employed

a bachelor to give advice to married couples.

But I know all about married couples.

My father and mother were one, you know.

I'm delighted to hear it, but it's not good enough.

Unless you're prepared to get married,

we'll have to dispense with your services.

- Is that understood?

- But I'm a confirmed bachelor.

I don't know any women.

Then find one!

Go to a matrimonial agency or something.

But do it. Soon.

Married? lt'll disrupt my entire life!

Well, that's all right, then.

Age, habits, hobbies, likes, dislikes.

Now, did you say you'd been married before?

That's right. Twice.

Are your wives dead?

That's right.

I see.

The first wife died from eating mushrooms.

Ooh, I'm sorry to hear that.

So was she.

The second wife died from a fractured skull.

A fractured skull? How did that happen?

Wouldn't eat the mushrooms.

Wouldn't eat the mu...

Thank you, Dr Crippen.

Don't call us, we'll call you.

Thank you.

You must be joking!

Oh, good afternoon.

The Wedded Bliss Agency sent me.

Mr Philpot?

That's right. I'm supposed to meet

a Miss Jenny Grubb.

You wouldn't be?

Jenny is my daughter.

Oh, thank goodness...

Er, thank goodness I've come to the right place.

That remains to be seen.

Thank you very much.

Jenny is in here, Mr Philpot, having tea.

- You haven't had it, have you?

- Oh, no. No, this is the first time we've met.

- Tea, Mr Philpot.

- Oh, I'm sorry. No, I haven't.

Good afternoon.

Nice day.

This is Mr Philpot, who wishes to marry Jenny.

I say, steady on. I mean,

give us a chance to get to know each other first.

See how we hit it off, eh?

Mr Philpot, you may as well understand

here and now

that there will be no question of "hitting it off"

before marriage.

No, I just didn't want you to get the wrong idea.

I only went to the agency for a bit of fun.

If it's fun you want,

I fear you've come to the wrong place.

Yes, I can see that.

Well, you may as well meet Jenny

now that you're here.

Oh, thanks. Well, nice to have met you all.

She's here, Mr Philpot.

This is Jenny.

How do you do, Jenny?

No physical contact yet, please.

Jenny, get Mr Philpot some tea.

(Crunch)

Oh, I'm so sorry!

I beg your pardon.

(Squeak)

- Ow!

(Boing)

Thank you.

Well, this is jolly nice.

- Sugar?

- What?

- Sugar?

- Oh, yes. Thank you.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I beg your pardon. It slipped.

Sorry.

Oh!

- Mr Philpot?

- Yes.

Would you mind resuming your seat

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