Carry On Loving Page #3

before you wreck the entire house?

Yes, I'm so sorry.

(Saucer smashes)

- Ah!

I seem to have... done one of your saucers in.

No matter. It's only Crown Derby.

- Oh, that's all right, then.

- Jenny.

Please get Mr Philpot some more tea.

You must think I'm awfully clumsy.

Yes, but we will overlook your more obvious

shortcomings and get down to practical matters.

Regarding the period of courtship...

Yes?

You'll be permitted to see Jenny once a week,

in company of myself, of course,

and other members of the family.

You mean, I wouldn't be able to see her alone?

Oh, I don't think that'd be at all wise.

Jenny has led a very sheltered life

and has had little or no experience of men.

Really?

- I have done it.

- I beg your pardon?

- Put it in.

- Oh!

- The sugar.

- Ah!

And what is your financial status, Mr Philpot?

Excuse me. Actually, I have

a private income of about L#3,000 a year.

Is that all?

Well, it's enough.

Not enough to run a big house of this size.

There's myself, you see,

and other members of the family to provide for.

We don't live extravagantly,

but we do like to live well.

Just a minute. Just a minute.

Just supposing I was mug enough to marry her,

do you really think I'd live here? With this lot?

Naturally.

We have always been and we intend to remain

one big, happy family.

Oh, no, I'm afraid it just wouldn't work out.

They'd never fit in with the way I like to live.

All-night parties. Strip poker. Pot-smoking.

No, I'm afraid not.

I'll say goodbye and thank you for the tea.

Bye.

I like him.

Wedded Bliss Agency.

Let us bring a little happiness into your life.

Oh, hello, Mr Philpot. How was the introduction?

(Garbled speech)

Yes, I'm sorry she wasn't quite

what you were looking for.

I can't vet them all personally.

Inever even saw Miss Grubb.

- Her mother did what?

- (Garbled speech)

Well, yes, yes, and I sympathise, Mr Philpot.

Hang on, hang on a minute, will you?

Maybe I can put you onto something

a little more amenable.

Er...

Oh, yes.

We have Miss Adams here.

Now, there's an absolute cracker for you.

Just the job for you - and she can cook, too.

Yes? Right.

The phone number is 663404271, right?

Not at all, Mr Philpot.

We aim to see that all our clients get satisfaction.

(Blows raspberry)

And you.

Esme Crowfoot. You've got to do something

about that, Sidney.

Sophie, darling, I've been thinking.

Well?

About me fixing it up for that young Muffin fellow

to meet Miss Crowfoot. It's all wrong.

I don't like the sound of this. What are you up to?

Nothing. I phoned her up and cancelled it.

And what happens when he goes down

to the bar to meet her at 7:30?

Oh, I'd forgotten about that. That's a nuisance.

I'll have to go down myself and explain.

Oh, that's a good idea. Yes. I'll come, too.

Why not? Oh, wait a minute. You can't.

We've got that Snooper fellow coming at 8:00.

Oh, well, in that case,

I'll go down and explain to Mr Muffet.

You stay here and see Mr Snooper.

Oh, no, that wouldn't be fair, would it?

I got him into this mess,

it's up to me to get him out of it.

I've got a few calls to make on the way.

I'll be seeing you.

When will you be seeing me?

Sidney Bliss!

I'll fix you, Sidney Bliss.

Oh, hello! Of course I remember you, Mrs Bliss.

Yes, we last met at that wedding

when I guarded the presents.

Yes, it was a pity about that.

No, they never did find the bride again.

Such a nice girl, too.

Well, I rang you, Mr Bedsop,

because I want someone followed.

Mr Bliss, actually.

My husband, yes, that's right.

Oh, well, if you'll describe him for me.

Rotten,

cheating,

lying ba...

No! No, Mrs Bliss,

a physical description, if you please.

Yes. Yes.

The general appearance

of an ancient and dissipated walnut.

And what's more, I can tell you

where he'll be at 7:30 this evening.

At the Parkway Hotel Cocktail Bar.

Right. You leave it to me, Mrs Bliss.

Check. Roger, over and out.

No filming tonight, then, Sally?

No, worst luck. I have to meet a photographer

from the publicity agency here.

Some more pin -ups, eh?

That's it. Sally Martin,

unknown star of stage, screen and television,

pictured in her home, with everything about her

but her clothes.

How do you do? Meeting you is

the most exciting moment of my life, straight up.

(Clears throat)

Excuse me... but I'm from the agency.

Oh, yes. Hello.

Hello.

Well?

Muffet. Bertram Muffet.

Oh. How do you do, Mr Muffet?

Fine, thank you.

It's the most exciting moment of my life

meeting you straight up.

Really?

Oh, well, er, it's nice to meet someone

who knows who I am.

They told me at the agency, you see.

Don't go and spoil it.

I wonder if you would do me a pleasure?

What?

Um, the pleasure of having a meal somewhere.

Oh. Well, it's really very sweet of you,

but it's not really necessary, you know.

Isn't it?

No.

Look, I don't have a lot of time, so let's go

straight back to my place and get down to it, eh?

Some blokes have all the luck.

Excuse me. Have you had a fellow in here

looking for a woman?

We never get any other kind.

Don't mess about. Small, skinny fellow.

- A bit dopey-looking.

- Bertram Muffet?

- He left with Miss Martin.

- Martin?

Sally Martin.

Oh.

She's taken him back to her place...

to get down to it.

Pardon?

- That's what she said.

- Did she?

And I called him a dope!

Well, this is it.

I share with another girl, but you don't have

to worry. She's working this evening.

Ooh, it's very nice. Very nice, indeed.

- Well, anyway, it's better than Regents Park.

- Regents Park?

Yes. That's where I did it last time.

On the bridge over the canal.

- Really?

- Mm.

It was awful. Freezing cold.

And people kept stopping to watch.

I'm not surprised.

I suppose so.

Still, it's annoying.

Now, that's my bedroom, and

through there's the kitchen and the bathroom.

You'll want to go in there, won't you?

Oh, no, thanks. Not just at the moment.

Please yourself.

Only most blokes seem to want one in the bath.

In the bath? Certainly not.

Oh. Well, I've got this big sponge,

you see, and a loofah.

I'm sure you could do something with that.

No, thank you.

OK. OK. You're doing it.

Now, where would you like to start?

Well, really, I'm quite happy in here.

Fine. Well, you get all ready, then,

and I'll go and get out of these clothes.

No, no, no, don't!

I mean, there's no hurry, is there?

- Well, I haven't got all night.

- Well, I don't want all night.

I mean...

Well, you look absolutely lovely as you are.

In this? You must be joking!

No, really. I like it.

Well, it's very sweet of you to say so,

but let's be sensible about this.

I mean, I'm not crazy about stripping off, believe

me, but it's what people want these days.

So, I say, if they want it, let 'em have it.

- Ooh!

- Oi! What do you think you're doing?

Hey, come back here!

And just what are you playing about at?

Everything's all right, Officer.

There's nothing wrong at all.

- I was looking for a man who I was following.

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