Carry On Loving Page #4

- Really?

- I think you'd better come with me.

- I don't think you understand.

I was following a man.

He went in the cloakroom, so I followed him.

W-W-W-Wh...

(Cackles)

Ooh! If they get any shorter,

they'll have two more cheeks to powder.

Taxi! Taxi!

Rogerham Mansions.

Watch it!

Don't use language like that to me, mate.

You deaf old twit! Go to that address.

Quick as you can.

Come back, you fool! Here!

Taxi!

Follow that cab.

(Mouths)

OK. I'm ready.

Well, you don't have to look so worried.

I'll take this off as soon as you're ready.

Do you like it? It's Orlon.

It looks more like "all off" to me.

Where do you want me?

Well, I really don't mind.

Well, you say, you're the expert.

How about on the bed?

No.

Well, where, then?

Well, I mean,

couldn't we just sit and talk for a bit?

Sit and talk? What about?

Anything. I mean,

I just didn't expect things to happen so quickly.

Just a minute.

Is this the first time you've ever done this?

Yes.

Oh, no. Don't say they've sent me a learner.

But I know what to do.

I mean, I've read books and things.

Oh, well. I suppose everybody's got to start

sometime, haven't they?

So, let's give it a try, eh?

I only bought this outfit this morning.

I hope it shows enough.

Oh, yes, plenty.

Well, if it doesn't, just yell out.

Now, how about lying on the rug to start with?

Throw me a cushion, can you?

That's it.

How's that?

Wonderful.

Well, come on, then. Where is it?

Where's what?

Your camera.

Oh, but I haven't got one.

What? What's that in your case?

Oh, that's my model aeroplanes.

Your what?

Model aeroplanes.

I thought you'd like to see them.

Why would I want to see

your model aeroplanes?

Well, they told me at the agency that you make

Christmas decorations out of milk bottle tops.

- That's what I make these with.

- Christmas decorations out of milk bottle tops?

Right. I've never done that. It must be fun.

Oh, yes, yes. It's really great fun.

You really must try it.

But just who at the agency

told you all this about me?

The chap who runs it. Mr Bliss. This one.

The Wedded Bliss Agency.

This is to introduce Mr Bertram Muffin.

- Yes, it should be Muffet.

- You're not a photographer?

Oh, dear me, no. I'm an undertaker's assistant.

An undertaker's... Oh!

Oh, look, I'm terribly sorry, Mr Muffin...

- Muffet.

- But there's been a mistake.

I think you've met the wrong person.

- You are Miss Crowfoot, aren't you?

- No.

You see, I was going to meet a man

from the photo agency,

and when you said you were from the agency,

I naturally thought that it was you.

Oh. Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

But when I saw you, I thought...

Oh, what an idiot I've been. Excuse me.

You don't have to go. It wasn't your fault.

- I'm terribly sorry.

- Wait a minute!

(Laughs)

All right?

Well, that's it. Can't go any further.

Not without getting arrested.

You! I said I never wanted to see you again.

Help me! Help me!

What's happened to you? You're all wet.

I'm sorry, I didn't know anybody else

I could turn to.

What have you been doing? Come on inside.

Thank you. Thank you.

You're soaking. What have you been doing?

I couldn't help it. I just couldn't face

going through life any more without you.

What do you mean?

I tried to drown myself.

Where? What in?

The canal.

Canal? What canal?

What does it matter what canal?

They've all got water, haven't they?

Well, that was a silly thing to do.

Those canals are filthy dirty.

Who cares about that

when you're going to drown?

Why didn't you drown?

I forgot I could swim.

Come on. Get those wet things off

before you catch your death.

Fancy! No-one's ever tried to do away

with themselves because of me before.

- I'm flattered.

- You should be. This suit cost me 30 quid.

I didn't really mean it, Sidney, you know,

about not wanting to see you again.

Thank you.

I don't want much, just to worship at your feet.

I've got better bits.

I'll put this by the fire.

Have you wet your trousers?

Eh? Oh!

Oh, yes. Well, I mean,

I went in feet first, didn't I? And my shirt.

Then, we'd better have it off, hadn't we?

You took the thought right out of my mind.

(Doorbell chimes Here Comes The Bride)

- Mr Snooper, is it?

- That is correct.

Oh, do come in. I'm sorry Mr Bliss can't be here.

I'm Mrs Bliss. Do sit down.

- Oh, thank you.

- That's it.

You don't mind discussing your problems

with a woman, I hope?

Oh, no, not at all.

My mother was a woman, you know.

Really?

I hope you don't mind my coming so late, but

I wanted to wait till everyone had gone home,

and the streets were clear.

I wouldn't like to be seen coming here,

you understand?

Oh, you don't have to be embarrassed

coming to a marriage bureau, Mr Snooper.

The mating instinct is in all of us.

Everybody's doing it these days.

I know! I have to spend half my time

listening to how they do it.

I beg your pardon?

I am a marriage guidance counsellor, Mrs Bliss,

and my superior feels it would be advantageous

if I were married.

Oh, I understand.

Though, I must confess, I find it difficult

to believe that anyone as... cultured

and distinguished-looking as yourself

would have any difficulty in finding a wife.

That is very true, of course,

and up till now, I've had no need for one.

Miss Dempsey, my housekeeper,

caters for my every need...

about the house, of course.

Cooking, cleaning and scrubbing.

She does all the scrubbing.

So, what you really want is a wife

who can satisfy your superior.

Good gracious, no! He has his own wife.

Yes, of course.

Well, I'm quite sure that

we'll find someone suitable for you.

A woman with charm and intelligence who can

grace your table and run your house efficiently.

- Yes. And bring me a cup of tea in bed.

- Oh, of course.

I always fancy it in the mornings, you know.

Really?

Oh, yes. Gets the system going.

I am a man of regular habits.

Once a week, I dine at my club.

Once a week, I play squash.

Once a week, bridge, and so on.

Everything in moderation.

Yes, of course. Well, I think

once a week is enough for anything, don't you?

Precisely.

Well, I'm sure that

we'll be able to find someone suitable.

And being a virile man,

of course you would like to have a child.

Oh, no! A fully-grown woman, I think.

Excuse me, I'd like to use the phone, if I may.

I'm awfully sorry to disturb you,

but this is important.

Oh. Oh, I'm awfully sorry to trouble you,

but would you have a sixpence

for two threepenny bits, please?

By any chance?

Oh. Oh, thank you very much.

Thank you.

Well, here's your receipt, Mr Snooper,

and we'll be getting in touch with you very soon

regarding an introduction.

Thank you very much. And I must let you

get home now. You're looking rather tired.

Well, it is a long day

and Mr Bliss and I are always at it.

Well, as long as it's not through overwork.

(Phone rings)

Wedded Bliss Agency. Mrs Bliss.

Ah, Mr Muffet.

Oh, hello. Mrs Bliss,

I'm afraid there's been a bit of a mix-up.

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