Carry On Loving Page #5

I seem to have met the wrong girl. Yes.

Um, no, I got the right place and time,

but there was this girl who thought

I was someone else and I thought it was her.

And we didn't find out her mistake... I mean,

my mistake, until she got most of her clothes off.

But I don't understand this, Mr Muffet.

Didn't Mr Bliss meet you at the bar?

No? Are you sure?

I see.

Oh, yes, I think I know what he's doing,

Mr Muffet.

Look, you still want to meet Miss Crowfoot,

I take it?

Good.

Why don't you go to her flat?

Yes. I'll give you the address.

Um, Rogerham Mansions, yes. Dunham Road.

Right. Yes, and thank you.

Yes, thank you, Mrs Bliss. Goodbye.

Esme! Esme!

- Are you feeling better now?

- No.

But I might if I didn't have to

keep looking at that thing.

Oh, don't you think he's rather gorgeous?

- Gorgeous?!

- That's Gripper.

Griper would be more like it.

Gripper Burke. He's a wrestler.

Get away! I thought it was a ballet dancer.

Well, he and I had quite a thing once.

I don't know what it was,

but he had quite a hold on me.

Probably the Indian death lock.

Then he had to go to America

and I haven't heard from him since.

Obviously the same as me,

all-out for a submission.

Now, don't start that nonsense all over again.

Nonsense? Haven't you heard?

That's what makes the world go round.

I've done my share of keeping it going

in the past, now I'll let someone else have a go.

- Me, for instance. Come here!

- No, Sidney, don't!

Sidney, you mustn't! Not in your condition.

- Right now I couldn't be in a better condition.

- No, Sidney.

Oh, come on, darling.

I'm not just on the make - I really fancy you.

No!

Oh, blimey, why not?

Because I am keeping myself.

- That's all right. I don't want to keep you.

- I mean, for the man I marry.

- You're making a big mistake.

- Why?

- It's like a car, isn't it?

- What is?

You lay it up for a few years,

suddenly you want to use it and it's rusted up.

True.

But if it has a regular service... no trouble.

- Look, it's not that I don't want to, Sid, but...

- Yes?

(Doorbell rings)

- Who can that be?

- Never mind. Don't answer it.

- I have to. It might be business.

- What do you think this is?

I'll get rid of them as quick as I can.

(Doorbell rings)

Pussycat!

Gripper! Oh!

Oh! W-W-When did you get back?

Just now. I had enough of it over there.

Besides, I missed you too much.

I'm sure you did, Gripper.

Oh, put me down, please, you're hurting me.

- Eh?

- You're... Oh! Oh!

Oh... There.

Nobody can say Gripper Burke don't fight fair.

No, no, no!

Oh, Esme, darling,

I can't wait to get started with you again.

I'm sure you can't, but not tonight, please.

What? You haven't found somebody else,

have you? Because you promised.

- Oh, no, of course not, no.

- Oh, well, that's all right, then.

- Seconds out. Second round. Doing!

- No, Gripper, please, no!

Hey!

No, Gripper. No, Gripper, please!

No, no, Gripper!

No! No!

Gotcha!

My favourite hold, remember?

It used to make you turn to jelly.

Yes, but I don't really feel like

turning to jelly tonight, Gripper.

- That's all right. We've got all night.

- No, dear. I really am awfully tired.

Oh, all right, then.

There. That's better.

'Ere, let me tell you about my last fight

in the States.

Man Mountain Dawson they call him.

Man Mountain?! More like Ant Heap, he was!

He couldn't have wrestled with

his bloomin' conscience!

Anyway, in the first round, he comes out

roaring and bellowing like some animal...

- It sounds fascinating, Gripper, go on.

- 'Ere, those are men's clothes.

- You've got a bloke here!

- No, of course not, Gripper.

Where is he? I'll kill him! I'll tear him apart!

See? I told you there was no-one here.

- Do you think I'm daft or something?

- Yes.

- Eh?

- No, no, no. I mean, no.

Tell me, then.

What were those clothes doing here?

I was just drying them off for someone.

Yeah? Well, he'd better not come back

while I'm here, or he'll find me waiting for him.

(Thunderclap)

Oh, no!

Honest, Gripper, I haven't seen any other men

since you went away.

- Honest?

- Yes, really.

(Doorbell rings)

Good evening.

This is Miss Crowfoot's flat, isn't it?

Yeah. What about it?

Well, they said if I was to come here,

it would be all right.

Oh, they did, did they?

Yes, Mr Bliss said that

she'd be just what I was looking for.

Oh.

- Well, you'd better come in, hadn't you?

- Thank you.

Hello. I'm from the agency.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You're from the agency, did you say?

Yes, that's right. Muffet's the name.

Bertram Muffet.

- Gripper! What are you doing?

- I'll kill him!

Aaaah!

Good night, Esme.

Hello, is that the Wedded Bliss Agency?

Good. I was trying to trace a Mr Bertram Muffet.

A client of yours, I believe.

Yes.

What?

What's he doing in a hospital?

What?

Look, darling, I love you, I adore you

and you're my very favourite model,

- but not for this particular job.

- Why not?

No bristols. You're flat-chested.

Adrian, please!

- What do you mean, flat-chested?

- Well...

Sally, did you hear him? Am I flat-chested?

Am I, now?

I don't know. Turn around and let's have a look.

Oh, ha-ha!

You've never worried about it before.

Look, I have told you, for this particular job,

they want watermelons.

All right. Go and find someone else. I don't care.

I wish I could.

That's why I asked you if you knew somebody.

You think I'd tell you?

Find your own watermelons!

Look, darling, I love you, but if I can't find

any watermelons, I'm out of business.

Hello. Are you still there?

I'm sorry. I was interrupted.

Could you tell me which hospital he's in?

Oh, thanks.

Thanks a lot.

(Doorbell rings)

Oh, excuse me, but I saw an advert

for someone to share a flat.

Oh, yes. Come in.

Thank you.

There's two of us here at the moment,

but we could use a third.

It'll be about L#5 a week each. All right?

Oh, yes. At least it will be

as soon as I can get another job.

Oh, what do you do, then?

Well, I was a stuffer.

I beg your pardon?

Oh. For sausage meat.

In a sausage factory.

Oh, yes.

You know, putting it in.

Why did you give it up?

Well, it wasn't a very interesting job.

Besides, I wanted to get away from home.

I'm sure you'll find something else.

Would you like to see round the flat?

I've got to go.

If I don't find a girl, I'll lose this job.

I wish I were dead.

- Er, this is Adrian.

- Oh, how do you do?

Darling girl, where did you come from? Heaven?

No. Fulham.

Hm?

Fulham. Wonderful, beautiful Fulham.

What does he mean?

Oh, darling, let me rest my mince pies.

Phwoar, they are... great!

- Knockout.

- What?

They are all yours, I take it?

Oh, don't be a fool, Adrian.

Oh, yeah, of course. They must be.

All right, darling. Get your gear off.

What?

Your clothes. I want to have a butcher's at you.

Who do you think I am?

Adrian, for heaven's sake, stop!

She isn't a model, you know.

Really? Well, what do you do, then, darling?

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