Carry On Loving Page #6

I shouldn't tell him that if I was you.

As a matter of fact,

she's not working at anything at the moment.

Oh?

Well, you are now, my darling. Phwoar!

'Ere, I never quite gathered, mate,

but what's supposed to be wrong with you?

Me?

Oh, nothing at all. Why?

There must be something wrong.

No, I'm fine.

He's over there.

Oh, thanks. I promise I'll only be a few minutes.

Oh!

Oh, I say, I'm awfully sorry. I didn't see you...

Gosh! You!

Yes.

Well, nobody can accuse us

of having dull meetings, can they?

But how did you get here?

Well, you left your card that night

and they told me where you were.

Oh, I see.

Oh. Excuse me.

I came because I wanted to apologise

for what happened in the flat that night.

You? But I'm the one who should apologise.

I behaved like an absolute clot.

No, it was really all my fault.

If I'd known who you were...

Oh, nonsense.

Anyway, nothing did happen, did it?

No. But what must you have thought of me,

taking all my clothes off like that!

Well, I can tell you now, I did feel a bit shaky.

Especially when you asked me

where I wanted you.

And you should have seen your face when I laid

down on the rug and told you to get on with it!

And I turned and bolted!

Well, er...

I just wanted to say sorry.

I'll have to go now.

Oh, no, look, wait. Look, I get out of here

tomorrow. Could I see you again?

Well, if you really want to.

Oh, rather! I'd like to see a lot more of you.

Oh, well, there isn't much

you haven't already seen.

No, I don't mean that.

No, I know.

Well, if you'd like to give me a call sometime...

- Yes, soon as I get out.

- Fine.

Bye for now, then.

- Oh.

- Yes?

Um, don't think I'm being nosy,

but there is one thing I just have to know.

I haven't got a girl, if that's it.

No, but do you really make model aeroplanes

out of milk bottle tops?

Yes.

Oh. Good.

Well, I'll start saving mine for you, then.

Bye.

Aeroplanes out of milk bottle tops?

Look, mate, I couldn't help hearing,

but is it really right, all that stuff?

What?

Well, you know, her stripping off

and laying on the rug and that?

Oh, yes.

- And you turned and ran?

- Yes.

Blimey! And you say

there's nothing wrong with you!

And the next, please.

Why, Mrs Bliss! What a pleasant surprise.

Do come in. Sit down.

Thank you.

Well, what brings you here

and what can I do for you?

Not a marital problem, I trust? (Laughs)

Well, hardly, Mr Snooper.

You see, I'm not married.

Yes, well, of course, that would be...

What?

You mean, you and Mr Bliss are living in sin?

Well, not that either, unfortunately.

I don't understand.

For business reasons, he thought it would be

better if we appeared to be husband and wife.

Of course, we always had an understanding

that one day we would marry.

At least, I had an understanding.

How long has this been going on?

- Ten years.

- Oh, how terrible!

Oh, my dear Mrs Bliss.

Miss Plummet, actually.

Miss Plummet, oh.

How nice.

And you would like me to talk to Mr Bliss?

Oh, no. I'd never marry him now.

No, really, I came to talk about us...

About us?

Yes, you see, I've been studying your case

very carefully, Mr Snooper.

And frankly, I feel that I am the only one

who comes anywhere near

satisfying your requirements for a wife.

Oh, well, I don't know about that. I'd have to...

Oh, please, listen to me, Mr Snooper.

I'm sure you'll agree that

I'm not one of your flighty young women.

Oh, no. No, not at all.

So, as far as sex is concerned,

I'd like to make my position quite clear.

- Yes, well, the position is half the battle, isn't it?

- Yes.

As your wife, I would run your home efficiently,

I would preside over your table gracefully,

and await any further demands... hopefully.

Well, that is a most generous offer,

Miss Plummet.

I promise you, Mr Snooper,

you'll find me generous in all things.

Yes, well, I'd like a little time to think about it,

of course, you understand.

Of course.

I've been a bachelor for so long,

I can't help wondering

whether I'd be very satisfying as a husband.

- You know...

- I know.

On the other hand, with you, I can't help

feeling there's a chance it might work.

Well, don't worry.

If it didn't, we could always adopt a child.

What do you mean,

you're not coming into the office any more?

But, Sophie, I need you here.

What? Oh, that's nice, after all I've done for you.

Now, listen. So...

Sophie.

What's the matter with her? What have I done?

Mr Philpot, what can I do for you?

You can give me my money back.

Every ruddy penny.

- Why? What's up?

- What's up?!

First of all, you sent me to see a girl

called Jenny Grubb. How about that?

Yeah, how about that? I never tried it.

A mouse. I've got more sex in my little finger.

If that weren't bad enough,

you put me onto that Miss Adams.

"An absolute cracker," you said.

That's true. I vetted her personally.

- "A good cook," you said.

- Yes, that's right.

She had something cooking... in the oven.

In the oven?

Yeah, by my reckoning, for about five months -

at regulo ten.

Oh, my gawd!

It's all right. I'm in the clear.

- You won't be if I don't get my money back.

- Wait a minute. Mistakes can happen.

I'll tell you what, I've got another one

here for you. Her name's Esme Crowfoot...

No. You know what you can do with

Esme Crowfoot.

I don't, but if you'd care to find out...

Give me back my money,

or I'm going to the police.

They'll never find you anything any good.

Fraud! That's what it is.

Obtaining money under false pretences.

Steady on. Why don't you just

come and sit down...

(Doorbell chimes Here Comes The Bride)

- Excuse me. Come in!

Just give me my money back...

Oh! Excuse me.

Am I interrupting?

Not at all, miss. Can I help you?

I just popped in to say that

you could take my name off your list.

You? You're on our books?

Don't you remember me?

- No.

- Jenny.

- Jenny Grubb.

- 'Ere, Jenny Grubb?

I came round to your place for tea

the other week.

Yes, and you weren't very impressed, were you?

No... Yes, yes!

It's just that you were dressed

rather differently then.

My parents believe in covering me up.

- They're an old-fashioned pair, you know.

- Nonsense. They're a beautifully-fashioned pair.

Just hang on a minute,

Mr Philpot, it's my client, if you don't mind.

You want to come off our list.

Does that mean you're fixed up with someone?

Well, no, no-one special.

It's just that I've got a job.

I'm a model. And a new flat to live in,

so I thought I'd have a bit of fun.

You couldn't have come at a better time.

Let's go in the other office and talk.

Oh, no, I can't do that.

I've got a modelling job in half an hour.

It's for a new kind of body stocking

and I can't get out of it.

- Come in here, I'll get you out of it.

- No, I must go.

Here, I've got the old jam jar outside.

Let me give you a lift.

Oh, that's very kind of you. Thank you.

Come on, then.

You've forgotten something.

You wanted your money back.

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