Carry On Loving Page #8

unless it was desperate. Go on, please.

Well, all right,

but as long as you promise to behave.

That's a good girl. Meet me outside

the Parkway Hotel, eight o'clock. Right?

And wear your sexiest see-through.

Whatever for?

Well, just because I can't touch,

doesn't mean I can't look, does it? Eh?

All right. See you then. Ta-ta.

(Blows raspberry)

(Doorbell rings)

It's all right, Miss Dempsey. I'll go.

This is the lady I was expecting.

Very good, sir.

Ah, Miss Plummet!

How nice to see you. Do come in.

This is Miss Dempsey,

my faithful, old housekeeper.

Oh, I'm so pleased to meet you, Miss Dempsey.

Mr Snooper has told me

how well you look after him.

I've always done my best, I'm sure.

Oh, a treasure. I'd be lost without her.

Oh, well, I hope you'll stay on

after Percival and I are married,

Miss Dempsey.

Married? Oh!

What on earth's the matter with her?

- Oh, surely you know? She's in love with you.

- In love, with me?

Of course. You must have felt it on occasions?

Certainly not. No. I've never laid a finger on her.

Would you care for a glass of sherry?

Throw me aside like an old, worn -out slipper,

after all the years I've slaved for him.

If I can't have him, nobody else is,

if I can prevent it.

Ah! Ah, I always knew

it would come in useful one day.

Ha-ha!

It's a delightful house, Percival.

I shall be very happy here.

Good. I think you'll like

the first-floor front as your bedroom.

You mean, we won't be sleeping together, then?

Oh, good gracious, no, my dear. Why on earth

should we with a house as large as this?

Yes, but I think it's a wife's duty

to be close to her husband

for the warmth and comfort it brings.

Oh, you don't want to worry about that.

I've got the electric blanket.

Oh. How nice.

Besides, sharing a bed together, we might be

tempted to indulge in carnal pursuits.

Oh, rather. Yes.

And we don't want any of that nonsense, do we?

Well, you're very strong-willed, obviously,

but it's a temptation

I would find very hard to avoid.

Nonsense, my dear! Do as I do.

Plenty of exercise, cold baths every morning

and a good dose of salts at night.

Cheers!

Cheers.

Hang on a minute,

I've just got to make a quick call. Pay the cab.

(Phone rings)

Hello. Basher Street Gym here.

Ah!

Hold on. Gripper!

- It's for you.

- Oh. Excuse me.

Pleasure.

Hello. Gripper Burke here.

This is a friend.

I just thought you ought to know,

an oversexed nut by the name of Snooper

has just lured your fiancee into his house.

What?! Where?

Bolstrode Avenue, 45.

And if I was you, I'd get my skates on quick.

I think you'll find this wine amusing.

(Knock on door)

- That'll be Miss Dempsey with the main course.

She always does something special. Come in!

Miss Dempsey!

Miss Dempsey!

Yes, what is it, love? I mean, sir.

Nothing. Nothing at all.

I'll have mine in the kitchen,

so you two can be alone. It's only fair.

What do you mean?

You always eat in the kitchen.

Oh, yes, that's right. I always eat in the kitchen.

Sorry, love.

Well, I'll be leaving you now, then.

Oh, um, will you want your electric blanket

switched on tonight?

Of course I will. Why shouldn't I?

Well, we don't always like it, do we?

I mean, do you! What have I said?

Miss Dempsey, what are you talking about?

I'm sorry, I wouldn't like you to get any ideas

about me and Percy.

I mean, Mr Snooper.

He's always behaved like the perfect gent

with me, except when we, er...

Well, you know.

I'm sure he has.

What are you saying?

I've always been good to you, haven't I?

Oh, you have, love. I mean, sir.

He has, too. More than good.

Always gives me a little present afterwards.

After I've done something

especially nice for him.

Miss Dempsey!

- Please!

- I'd better go, before I say something I shouldn't.

The woman's demented.

Sophia, surely you can't believe

there's anything in what she said.

Well, I realise Miss Dempsey may be upset

by the announcement of our marriage.

On the other hand, there's no smoke without fire.

And you can't have a fire

without it being properly laid.

I mean...

- That should be about right.

- What should?

Never mind. You know what you've got to do.

Lay it on good and thick.

Oh, Sid, I can't do it!

Is there a better way to show Sophie

you're not interested in me?

Very well, but don't blame me for what happens.

That's a good girl. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Very well. I'm willing to accept that there has

been nothing between you and Miss Dempsey.

She'll have to go, of course.

Go? But she's been here for years.

She has security and comfort here.

She'd never get it anywhere else.

Well, she's not getting it here any more.

It's your choice, Percival. Her or me.

Oh, very well, then.

Oh, that's settled, then.

(Knock at door)

- Come in.

There's a woman here to see you.

A woman? What woman?

"Just tell him Pussycat," she said,

"and he'll know who you mean."

Pussycat? I don't know any Pussycats.

You'd better tell her.

She's waiting in the drawing room.

Oh, I don't understand.

She must have got the wrong house.

Um, excuse me.

- Madam, I think there's been some mistake.

- Oh, Percival!

I'm sorry, my darling, I just had to come.

I can't bear it any longer without you.

Madam, please try to control yourself.

How can you ask me to control myself

after all we've been to one another?

You who've never shown any control

where I'm concerned.

- What?

- I need you, Percival!

The nights have been, oh, so empty!

I don't care how hard you beat me,

as long as you love me occasionally.

Oh, madam, please keep your voice down!

You can be heard halfway through the house.

Look here, I don't know who you are,

or what you want...

Oh! What are you doing?

I want you to take me.

I'm yours. You know it. Take me.

But I don't want you! Stop it! Stop it at once!

No, you've found someone else!

I know it. I can feel it!

- Well, stop feeling it.

- Oh!

Oh, Percival, how could you desert me like this?

What's to become of me and the baby?

The baby? What baby? I don't know any babies.

I won't give you up, you hear?

I won't! You're mine!

- You'll always be mine.

- Help, Miss Dempsey! Help, Miss Dempsey!

Ah!

Oh, no!

You! Esme Crowfoot!

You filthy, depraved beast!

No, Sophia, please, come back!

No, you don't need her, my darling,

you've got me!

Get off!

Get off me! You've no right.

Bingo!

Where is she? Where is she?

If you mean Pussycat, in there.

Ah, Gripper!

- What are you?

- You lousy swine. I'll kill you!

- What are you doing? You're all mad!

- I'm mad, all right.

Take your hands off him, you great bully, you!

Ow!

Why, Miss Dempsey!

Oh, ta!

(Laughs)

Sophie, what happened?

Did you forget something?

No, I was just thinking about what you were

saying yesterday and, of course, you're right.

You can't run the business without me.

- I thought you were getting married?

- No.

Oh, oh.

Well, I'm very glad to hear it.

Fancy that, eh? The old firm back in business.

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