Carry On Matron Page #2

You've got to start work sometime, haven't you?

The fact is, I've had this offer of a job.

In insurance.

He wants to go straight

before he's been crooked.

- He doesn't mean it, do you?

- Of course he doesn't.

- Yes, I do.

- He does.

A good job your mother can't hear you.

You promised on her deathbed

you'd go into business with your father.

I was six years old at the time.

Son, I'm depending on you.

You're the only bloke

who could do what I've got in mind.

- If you really mean that, Dad, I suppose...

- That's my boy.

What do you want me to do?

Well, if I could get somebody into this hospital

officially, they'd be able to nose about a bit.

- You mean me.

- You've got it.

- Dad, it's a maternity hospital.

- No, no, no. Not as a patient.

Thank goodness.

As a nurse.

(Car horn blares)

Well, your pulse beat's all right, Sir Bernard.

Strong?

Beautifully strong.

- And that's all right too.

- Normal?

Wonderfully normal.

Well, it wasn't half an hour ago.

I was right up. You ask Miss Banks.

Wasn't I, dear?

- Yes.

- Yes.

Well, I can assure you, whatever else

you may have, it certainly is not Asian flu.

Of course not!

I knew that. I could have told you.

What do you mean,

whatever else I might have had?

Oh, well, you were probably suffering

from some slight digestive upset, or something.

How are your bowels?

My bowels?

They're perfectly all right.

Why bring them into it?

Well, as you well know, Sir Bernard,

irregularity can cause slight fever symptoms.

I'm not irregular.

I'll have you know, I'm one of

the most regular fellows in the business.

- As long as you have no pain, or discomfort...

- Certainly not.

Now, if you'll kindly both stop fussing and go,

I have work to do.

Very well, Sir Bernard.

- Oh, there was one small problem, Sir Bernard.

- What is it?

- Mrs Tidey, in Bunn Ward, you know?

- Yes! What about her?

She's three weeks over her time and I was

wondering if we ought to consider bringing it on.

Bring it on? Bring what on?

- Why, the birth!

- Bring it on, bring it off. What do I care?

Really, Sir Bernard!

Can't anyone else

make a decision around here?

Ask Dr Prodd.

I've got far more important things to worry about.

Very well, Sir Bernard.

And if you'll take my advice,

you'll lie down and have a good rest.

- I don't need a good rest.

(Door slams)

I'm perfectly all right, do you hear?

B... Bowels.

Diseases of. Oh! Diseases of the bowels.

All right. You can get dressed again,

Mrs Jenkins.

Upon my soul, if it ain't Nurse Ball.

The fairest flower of them all.

A present for you, Doctor.

No, no. You cannot tempt me with strong drink.

Funny. Those were my exact words to you

when I first came here.

Touche.

Fresh as a mountain stream.

Why don't you take your shoes and socks off

and have a nice paddle?

I'll get you in the end, you little minx.

Well, Doctor?

Yes. I'm afraid you're pregnant again,

Mrs Jenkins.

- What?

- You're pregnant again.

Oh, no, not again. It's too much. It really is.

I thought you were stopping that nonsense.

- What?

- I thought you were stopping having relations.

Oh, I've tried, Doctor.

But you know what it is? My husband gets into

bed and says, "Are you going to sleep, or what?"

And you say, "What?"

Well, that settles it this time.

Whether he likes it or not,

I'm going to use something from now on.

You'd better, Mrs Jenkins.

What do you think's the safest, Doctor?

For you, Mrs Jenkins, a hearing aid.

- What?

- Oh, dear.

Come on, son. Hurry up.

I want to get you in there by six.

I'm nearly ready.

Women always take a long time dressing.

Especially when they're men.

Well, this is the best I can do.

I fancy you, dear!

Cyril! You look...

- You look lovely.

- Come off it.

- Hello!

- Get off!

Leave her alone.

What do you think, Dad?

- Dad? What's the matter?

- Nothing.

It's just a bit of a shock, that's all.

It's like seeing your poor old mum again.

Well, I think he looks lovely.

- He could have fooled me any time.

- Well, that shouldn't be too difficult.

I think we should get a woman to do it.

No, no, son.

In this business, you never want to trust

a woman to do anything you can do yourself.

I reckon he'll pass. What do you say, Fred?

I was thinking...

Couldn't he do with more here?

What for?

I agree with Freddy. I'd like to see a bit more.

You would.

Don't you realise that's the point?

He doesn't want to draw attention to himself.

If you make 'em any bigger,

everybody's going to start gawping.

- I could stick some socks in.

- Forget it. They're just a couple of knockers.

Them, I mean.

Turn round.

This skirt's a bit tight, isn't it?

I like seeing women in tight skirts.

Especially from behind.

Shut up.

What have you got under here? Tin drawers?

What the hell have you got your trousers on for?

What's the matter? Nobody'll look up there.

How do you know? You're a nurse, aren't you?

A patient might drop in a dead faint at your feet,

come to, look up, what's she going to see?

A lot more without these on.

Shut up laughing. Did you get the knickers?

Yeah. Black lace ones.

I got some strange looks

from the shop assistants.

Go and get 'em. Go on.

Dad, nurses don't wear black lace ones.

They don't wear rolled-up trousers, either.

There they are.

They're OK. What's wrong with 'em?

There's no opening in the front.

- Of course not! Women don't have 'em.

- I know!

Well, shut up arguing and put 'em on.

All right, Dad.

Can't I go disguised as a male orderly?

Are you raving mad? Have you ever heard of

a male orderly wearing black lace knickers?

Well, I certainly can't see anything wrong

with your stomach, Sir Bernard.

Yes... well, I didn't really expect you to, you know.

It was just one of Matron's foolish fancies

and we have to humour her, you know?

Yes. She's always had

a very soft spot for you, Sir Bernard.

That's only to be expected.

She admires a man of character.

Well, I won't waste

any more of your time, Pearson.

I must say, your pelvic cavity's very interesting.

Oh? In what way?

Well, it's rather large for a man.

More like a woman.

Ooh...

Yes, it is. It never used to be like that.

- Well, what does it... mean?

- It's nothing to worry about, Sir Bernard.

On the contrary, as you well know, it can be

a great asset when it comes to child-bearing.

Yes... Well, if you'll excuse me, Pearson,

I have a lot to do.

A woman's work is never done. I mean,

a man's work is never fun. Goodbye.

It can't be.

Oh, it's impossible.

Sit down, will you?

- Name, please.

- Smethurst.

Oh, yes. I have some good news for you,

Mrs Smethurst.

Miss Smethurst.

Oh. In that case, I have some bad news for you,

Miss Smethurst.

Next, please.

- Good morning, Doctor.

- Get your clothes off. I'll be with you in a minute.

I don't think that'll be necessary, Doctor.

Sorry. I wasn't expecting you, Matron.

Obviously.

I'd like to talk to you

about Mrs Tidey in Bunn Ward.

The one with the bottomless stomach.

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