Carry On Matron Page #3

I think we ought to induce labour this evening.

Oh, yeah? What does the old rabbi say?

If by "the old rabbi"

you mean Sir Bernard Cutting,

he's quite prepared to leave the final decision

to you, strange as that may seem.

If you say this evening, that's all right with me.

Thank you, Doctor.

Oh. Incidentally...

I'm expecting some more student nurses today.

Oh, really?

I would like to point out that they are

in this hospital to further their education.

Don't worry, Matron.

I shall do everything I possibly can with them.

That's just what I wish to avoid.

Remember, I want you to find out where they

keep the stuff and get me a plan of the hospital.

But what if somebody stops me

and asks me what I'm doing?

That's the beauty of this nurse's gear.

Nobody's going to give you a second look.

- It's the first look I'm worried about.

- You've no need to be, honest. You look lovely.

- Will you stop telling him he looks lovely?

- Well, he does.

We'll drop it all and put him in for Miss World.

FRED:
There's a load of nurses arriving now.

Look.

It's half past five.

They must be going on duty.

Go on. Now's your chance.

- Hey?

- Just tag along behind 'em.

Well, go on. Get a move on!

I can't move fast.

These damn knickers are too tight!

It's much safer that way. Ask any girl.

Do you mind? Come on. Hurry up.

That's it, son. Remember,

we're depending on you. Good luck.

Yeah. I'm going to need it.

Ha-ha. That's my girl.

Report to the desk, girls.

Excuse me, miss.

- Are you with the others?

- Oh, er... Yes. That's right.

Over there.

Oh...

Thank you.

Name?

- Carter.

- Carter...

- First name?

- Er... Cyril.

- Cyril?

- Um... Cyrille.

C-Y-R-I-L...

double L-E.

Cyrille...

A very unusual name.

It's a Cyrille... It's a real name.

Would you like to sit over there

with the rest, please?

Can't you sit down, Nurse Carter?

- No, I can't.

- You what?

My er... The elastic's gone.

Oh, dear.

I don't suppose you've got a safety pin.

- Yes.

- Thank you.

(Clears throat)

Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.

Haven't you made a mistake?

- How do you mean?

- This is the Gents.

- Yes. I know it is.

(Toilet flushes)

Oh, er...

Er... knickers.

I'm terribly sorry. Please forgive me.

I don't mind in the least.

No need to worry. I won't tell a soul.

About what?

Black lace ones, eh? Very kinky.

Eh?

Don't rush off, love.

I was only kidding, love.

Uh-oh.

Dr Prodd, I've been waiting for you.

Oh, there you are, Matron.

I was just looking for you.

That is the last place you would have found me.

- I see what you mean.

- May I ask what that nurse was doing in there?

Pinning up her knicker...

No. The poor kid just made a mistake.

Went in the wrong door.

- And you just happened to be in there?

- Yeah...

No! No, no. I...

- I went in after her.

- That I can believe.

Mrs Kemp, I'm rather busy at the moment.

Would you mind taking the nurses to the home

and allocate rooms?

Certainly, Matron.

Girls, come along. Follow me, please.

When you've finished, Dr Prodd, perhaps we

can carry on with the business of the hospital?

After you, Matron.

(Stomach rumbles)

(Burps)

That's better.

Hello, Mrs Tidey, and how are we this evening?

- No complaints, thank you, Doctor.

- Good.

- Except that er...

- Yes?

They were a bit stingy with the potatoes tonight.

Yes, well, I'm not so much concerned

with your input as your output.

Oh, there's no trouble there.

I go regular. You ask Sister.

I think the doctor's referring to your baby,

Mrs Tidey.

Why? Nothing wrong with it, is there?

Oh, no. He just seems reluctant

to put in an appearance.

When you look how the world is today,

there's nothing worth coming out for, is there?

I mean, the world's in a shocking state.

- You take the Common Market.

- I think we'll give him a bit of a nudge, shall we?

You're not going to stick that

in the poor little beggar?

- No. Only into you, Mrs Tidey.

- No. No. You're not puncturing me.

It's for your own good.

You've gone on far too long.

I don't care.

I'm having my kid naturally,

if I have to lie here for the rest of my life.

Sister.

Don't be silly. This won't harm you,

or the baby, I can promise you.

I'm not having it, I tell you.

Now, please, hold still... Aargh!

I'm so sorry.

Mrs Tidey...

If you kick me again,

I warn you, I'll put you on a strict diet.

That's better. Now, then.

Ow!

- I haven't touched you.

- Oh...

What's the matter?

It's... it's starting. Oh...

Are you sure it isn't indigestion again?

It can't be. I've hardly had a thing to eat all day.

All right, Sister. Take her down to Delivery.

Yes, Matron.

Ooh, but let me finish... finish my dinner first.

Oooh!

Ooh...

All right, Doctor. You may go.

Hey? Oh... What am I going to do with this?

I'm sure you don't require

any suggestions from me, Doctor.

Put a call through for Mr Tidey.

His wife's started labour.

Again? Let's hope she finishes this time.

- Is this Sir Bernard's mail?

- Yes, Matron. Last delivery.

I'll take it to him. I want to see how he is.

First signs of physical change...

(Knock at door)

- (Falsetto) Who is?

- (Clears throat) Who is it?

- It's Matron, Sir Bernard.

Just a moment, Matron.

I won't be a minute.

Yes... Come in now, Matron.

I'm sorry, Sir Bernard.

I didn't know you were changing.

Changing?

What are you talking about? I'm not changing.

That's a lie, do you hear? It's a lie.

Your clothes, Sir Bernard.

Oh... my clothes. I'm sorry.

I thought you were inferring that I...

Well, don't keep staring at me

as if I were a freak.

Oh, you misunderstand me, Sir Bernard.

Oh, no, I don't. I know what you are thinking and

let me tell you, I'm a man, like any other man.

Oh, no. I cannot agree with that.

What?

You have something very few men have.

What do you mean?

Greatness.

Oh, well... there's no denying that, naturally.

If I may say so, Sir Bernard,

I think you've been overdoing it.

Overdoing it? What do you mean?

Overdoing what?

Work! It's time you had a holiday, I think.

I don't want a holiday.

And will you kindly stop fussing over me?

I'm only thinking of you.

Well, stop thinking of me and go away.

Very well, Sir Bernard.

Oh...

I nearly forgot. Your mail.

Yes, I am! And I can prove it!

Do you hear? Prove it!

Ye-argh!

Has it happened?

- Not yet, I don't think.

- Oh, thank heavens.

I'm in time.

Ooh, my hooter...

Oh, no. I can't stay here.

Madge, can you come up

and help me with my hair?

MADGE:
But I'm undressed.

- So what? I'm in a hurry.

MADGE:
Oh, all right.

Hello.

(Phone rings)

Hello?

Hello, Dad.

Cyril, what's up?

I've got into a spot of bother.

What, already?

What's happened? Where are you?

- I'm in this nurse's bedroom.

- Nurse's bedroom?

You're supposed to be finding the stuff.

And don't tell me it's there.

No, Dad. They seemed to think I was a new

student nurse, so they put me in this room.

Oh, my God. I told you not to do anything

that would draw attention to you.

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