Carry On Matron Page #4

But I couldn't help it.

I had to go to the Gents to pin up my knickers.

You went to the Gents to pin up your knickers?

Look, I haven't got time to explain now,

but I can't stay here.

Why not?

- Another nurse lives in this room.

- So? She's not onto you, is she?

No! But she will be

when I get undressed to go to bed.

I know, get undressed under your nightie.

Your mum did that before we got married.

Dad, I haven't got a nightie.

All right, son. All right, all right. Don't panic.

Don't go to bed. That's it.

Try and find out something this evening,

and I'll be along later.

Listen...

Hello? Is someone in there?

Dad, I'll have to go now.

There's someone at the door.

Right. I'll be in the fathers' waiting room.

Now, you try and get a plan of the hospital.

(Knock at door)

- Hey, you. Let me in.

Oh. Oh, hello.

I'm your roommate, Susan Ball.

Is something wrong?

Eh? Oh, no. You're beautiful.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be personal.

Oh. Oh, that's all right.

You just keep saying things like that

and you and I are going to get along just fine.

What do I call you?

Er, Cyrille.

Right, Cyrille.

Let's see if we can't make you feel at home.

Loo and bathroom in there.

And that's your bed there.

Oh, thanks.

Where's your luggage?

I haven't got any. I lost it at the railway station.

I can let you have anything you need.

Oh, no. I'm all right, thanks.

You'll find you won't need a nightie in here.

This place is so well heated,

you can sleep in the raw.

- I always do.

- Oh, no. I shan't be staying here.

Oh, come here.

Don't talk like that.

You know, once you settle down,

you'll find you'll like it here.

It's a good hospital.

And there's still quite a few young doctors

who are still prepared to take no for an answer.

All except for old Prodd, that is.

Oh, dear. You want to watch out for him.

Do you know,

he collects nurses like some men

collect big game trophies.

Around here, we call him the taxidermist.

You're not going to bed now, are you?

Oh, good heavens, no. I'm going to grab me

a quick shower cos I've got a date.

Oh, these rotten catches.

Cyrille, would you mind undoing it for me?

Oooh...

Dr Goode...

- Dr Goode.

- Argh!

Oh, hello. Do forgive me, Sir Bernard.

I was miles away.

Oh, yes. Of course. Well, perhaps

I should come back some other time.

No. I'm back now.

And what can I do for you, Sir Bernard?

Well, I've got a bit of a problem.

Oh, haven't we all? Would you care to?

I can't do it lying down.

Oh, dear me. You do have a problem.

No, I mean I prefer to sit down, if you don't mind.

Don't mind? If it turns you on, who cares?

Look here, Dr Goode, you must understand,

this interview must be purely off the record.

I can assure you that anything you say to me

will go into one ear and out of the other.

That doesn't surprise me.

As a matter of fact, I was talking to my wife

only the other day. "Hamlet," I said...

Oh, I call her Hamlet because

she thinks she's a Great Dane. Isn't it silly?

Dr Goode, I'm not interested in your wife.

Well, that's a funny thing. Neither am I.

Shall we forget her?

With pleasure.

Good. Now, what was it

I wanted to talk to you about?

It's the other way round.

Is it? What is?

Our conversation, I mean.

I came here to consult you.

Oh! Well, that puts a different light

on the whole matter.

Do consult.

Thank you.

I was wondering if you personally

had ever thought about the possibilities

of having a... sex change.

Well, as a matter of fact, I'm quite happy as I am.

But thank you very much, Sir Bernard.

No, I don't mean you.

I mean, generally speaking.

Have you ever known of a case

of a man turning into a woman?

No. But I've heard of one

who turned into a one-way street.

Oh... Doctor, please. Be serious.

You see, I have this patient who genuinely

thinks that he is turning into a woman.

Dear me.

Are there any physical changes?

I don't think so. I haven't looked for two hours.

I mean, at him. Haven't looked at him.

I think it's a purely mental obsession.

Has he had any experience of the opposite sex?

Oh, no. No, he hasn't had time.

I mean, he hasn't had... His career.

He's been far too busy with his career.

Ah. Then I think I understand.

Your patient is suffering from a pent-up desire

to prove to himself that he is a man.

You think so?

Yes. Yes...

You may be right.

I'm sure I am.

And I would recommend that he finds

a suitable partner as quickly as possible.

And by suitable, you mean willing.

And able.

Yes. Oh, I feel better already.

For him. I feel better for him, I mean.

Thank you, Dr Goode.

You've been most helpful.

Oh, I can't tell you...

Oh, yes. I'll get onto it... right away!

Ah. Matron, any news?

I'm afraid not, Mr Tidey.

What's she doing?

Well, at this moment,

consuming a large plate of fish cakes.

Fish cakes?

Ever since she got pregnant,

she's had this craving for fish cakes.

Even in the middle of the ruddy night.

Do you know, she must have polished off

thousands of 'em.

I'll tell you one thing, if ever this child gets born,

it's going to be smothered in breadcrumbs.

Ah, Dr Prodd.

You're in Emergency tonight.

- Afraid so.

- We're standing by for a possible premature.

- Oh, no...

- You won't mind when you find out who she is.

I shall be up in my room if I'm required, Arthur.

What did she mean by that? Who's coming in?

Jane Darling, the film star.

Really?

Hello. It's my pin -up girl.

Dad?

Oh. Er... Good evening.

- Excuse me.

- That's all right.

- Lost again?

- Yes, that's right. Excuse me.

You know, love,

what you want is a plan of this place.

How did you know?

Think of a better way

of getting to know your way around?

I see what you mean. If you'll excuse me...

I've got a plan up in my room.

- Have you really?

- All the doctors have one.

I'd like to see yours.

Likewise.

- In your room, you say?

- Room 15 on the fifth floor.

If you'd like to come up in ten minutes,

I'll show it to you.

If I come, will you promise to behave?

Naturally.

All right, then. I'll be there.

And when I behave naturally,

I never get any complaints.

Yes. Who is it?

It's me. Frankie.

Come in.

It is all right for tonight, isn't it?

Yes. But I'm so frightened somebody's

going to see you coming here one night.

Oh, get away with you. It's only once a week.

Yes, but you know how gossip

goes round the hospital.

After all, you are a married man, Francis.

Yes, I know.

But as I've told you, my wife doesn't like it.

I can't think why not.

No. She thinks it's a waste of time.

Do you know, she won't even look at it.

- Oh, what a shame.

- Yes.

And a man needs a little relaxation

when he comes home.

Yes, of course.

That's why I'm so thrilled

you like it as much as I do.

As long as we're careful.

Care for a little drinkie first?

Oh, lovely.

It should be a good one tonight.

Yes.

If it's anything like last week...

That was wonderful

Cheers.

Good health.

Mm...

Are you ready?

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