Carry On Matron Page #5

Ra-ther!

Ooh...

I can't think why your wife doesn't like it.

It's the best programme on television.

Oh, I know. But you know, she'd rather curl up

on a hearth rug with a good bone.

- It's coming on.

- Oh, good!

TELEVISION:
Now it's time

for this week's exciting episode of...

The Surgeons.

The Surgeons,

the everyday drama of a great hospital.

Last week, we left Nurse Spencer

unconscious on the operating table,

while Dr Carpenter, her lover,

prepared to fight for her life,

still unaware that his estranged wife Rachel

had secretly substituted a cylinder

of deadly carbon dioxide gas...

- (Whimpers)

- ...in place of her life-giving oxygen.

Yes? What do you want?

You remember me. Mr Hodgkiss.

I was here this morning.

Oh, yes. I thought you'd had your baby.

- No. I'm leaving that to the missus.

- Well, you know where to go.

Thank you.

- Evening.

- Evening.

You haven't had it yet, then?

No. I reckon it'll be here tonight, though.

You'll be lucky.

I've been here every night for the last ten days.

- They sent for me.

- It don't mean a thing. That's the way they work.

When in doubt, send for the ruddy father.

Yes... Well, that'll teach you to turn over

and go back to sleep next time, won't it?

That's not funny.

- My woman's waited seven years for a baby.

- She needn't have done that.

- No?

- No. I had that trouble when I kept chickens.

Chickens?

I used to get plenty of eggs, but no baby chicks.

- Oh, no.

- Till somebody told me what to do.

- What was that?

- Change the cock.

Oh, that's very funny, I don't think.

- Mr Grant?

- Yes?

Congratulations. You've got a fine boy.

Oi... What about me, then?

I was here before him.

Better luck next time.

Oh, get shunted.

Come in, love. Come in.

Gosh! No wonder they call you the taxidermist.

Do they? Well, it just shows you,

there's nothing like advertising.

- Sit down. Make yourself at home.

- No, I can't stay.

Nonsense. Of course you can.

Just so we're not disturbed.

Now, then...

- What about a little drink?

- Oh, no, no. I never touch it.

- Oh. Cigarette, then?

- No. I never touch them.

Well, that leaves only one thing to offer you.

I never touch that, either.

- You haven't come here to play games.

- You're right. I came to see your plan.

- Who cares about the damn plan?

- Ah, ah. Plan first.

I've been planning all ruddy evening.

It's time for action.

- I shall scream. I shall scream. Matron! Matron!

- OK. OK.

There you are.

But you know damn well

you didn't come up here just for that.

Oh, yes. This is just what I wanted.

- And this is just what I wanted.

- Get off.

Now, then. Where do they keep the pills?

Eh?

The pill. There's a big store of them here.

Oh! I get you now.

Down in the basement here,

but I can't get you any now, love.

They're locked up.

Oh, I don't want it for myself.

- Oh, good.

- Get off!

Is this the only way down to the basement?

That's enough of the damn plan, love.

We're wasting time.

- I haven't finished.

- What are you doing?

- Give that back.

- You promised you'd give it to me.

I will, too. But not that.

It's not mine. Come on.

Come and get it.

- Oh, you want to play games?

- No. I didn't mean that. Get off!

No, I didn't mean that. Get off!

Get away!

Take your hands off. Take your hands...

Argh!

What's this then, eh?

Rolled-up socks?

Why, you little cheat...

- What else you got down there, eh?

- Get off.

That's enough.

I don't want to have to use any rough stuff.

I wouldn't if I were you.

I was boxing champ at Guy's.

Let me go. Please. You'll be sorry. Let me go!

Try and make me, love.

- Who's that?

- Me.

God, what a woman!

Hey! Hey, love. Phwoar!

Come back, love.

They'll be there within half an hour.

Hey, doc. You're wanted.

- Blast. What is it?

- The premature film star.

Her old man's been on. It's started.

- Damn. Is the ambulance here?

- Outside. There's the address.

Right.

- Did you get it?

- Yeah. There it is.

What's this?

Sorry, Dad. It's one of my bristols.

That's it. Let's go.

We can't go on an emergency without a nurse.

- I'm sorry, Doctor, I am only the attendant...

- Hang on a minute. Hang on.

Ah. You'll do nicely. Come on.

- Let me go.

- I'm sorry, love. We've got a little job.

- (All shout)

- Leave me alone, will you?

That driver touched my bottom!

Something tells me

Cyril's taking this too seriously.

(Siren)

TELEVISION:
Nurse, forceps...

scalpel...

swabs...

Ah...

TELEVISION:
More oxygen...

- Sister, quick. More swabs!

(Knock at door)

- Who's that?

- Just as it was getting exciting too.

(Knocking)

- Oh...

Yes. Who is it?

It's me, Matron, Sir Bernard. I'd like to come in.

Sir Bernard...

Just a moment, Sir Bernard.

He can't find you in my room.

- I'll hide.

- Quick. This way. In here.

Aah!

Oh, I'm so sorry, Sir Bernard.

I was just in the middle of undressing.

Oh, don't let me stop you, Matron.

- I beg your pardon?

- I'm very broad-minded.

I might not even look the other way!

Sir Bernard, do you think it's wise

coming to my room at night?

- People might misunderstand.

- I don't think so.

They'll merely think we're having

a bit of the old slap and tickle.

- Really, Sir Bernard!

- Well, why not?

It's natural. You're a man and I'm a woman.

Sir Bernard,

are you sure you're feeling quite yourself?

On the contrary, I've never felt more like it.

Myself, I mean.

Don't you think you ought to go and lie down?

Now you're getting the idea.

No, no, no. I mean, in your room.

Oh, why? It's much more comfortable here.

Come on. Let's sit down.

(Glass smashes)

- What on earth was that?

Oh, it's just a spring.

Oh. I thought it sounded like breaking glass.

That would never do, would it?

Remember what happened to the skipper?

I'm sure you're not feeling well. Do you feel hot?

- Very.

- I shall go and get my thermometer.

- Oh, that's not what I want.

- What is it, then?

Matron, a man and a woman are here

to fulfil one basic function.

You know what that is, don't you?

Well, I should do,

after 15 years in a maternity hospital.

That's what's wrong with me.

I need to prove myself as a man.

- Well, the proof of the pudding is in the eating.

- Exactly.

Will you lay the table, or shall I?

Get your cruet out.

- You can't be suggesting...

- Why not?

You know

there's a mutual attraction between us.

You must have felt it,

working together all these years.

- Side by side, brushing against each other.

- Oh...

So you've felt it too? That exciting tingling...

I've only got to think of you and I have a tingle.

Oh, how wonderful.

But I never thought that you wanted me, too.

- Desperately.

- Oh!

I don't know what to say. It's all so sudden.

Oh, my dear, I don't expect you

to make up your mind immediately.

Take your time.

Think it over for a couple of minutes.

(Phone rings)

- Oh!

You're all of a tingle, aren't you?

Tingle, tingle...

Er...

Hello, Tingle here... Matron here.

Oh! Yes, Arthur.

I see. Has the ambulance left?

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