Carry On Matron Page #6

- Well, if you could get in touch...

(Splutters)

That was Arthur.

There's an emergency coming in in half an hour.

Oh, damn it.

Then the time for thinking is past.

Give me your answer. Will you?

- I don't know what to say.

- Yes, or no?

- Oh, yes! And no.

- What? What does that mean, "yes and no"?

Yes, if you're asking me to marry you. No, if not.

Well, I don't have to get married to prove myself.

You do to prove yourself with me.

How do we know

we're physically suited to each other?

It's like do-it-yourself with a wallpaper.

- Wallpaper?

- You don't just buy enough for the whole room.

You tear yourself off a little strip

and try it first!

That may be so, but you're not going

to stick me up against the wall.

- Step on it, Doctor. She's pretty near.

- Don't worry. She's in good hands.

Even got a nurse.

Good luck, darling.

I'll be along as soon as I can park the au pair.

She won't stay in the house alone at night,

you see?

Right. Let's go.

Bye!

OK, darling?

OK, darling.

(Siren)

- Is it bad, Miss Darling?

- Oh, yes.

I can give you a jab to kill it for a bit, if you like.

- Yes, please, Doctor.

- Right.

Nurse, in that case there, you'll find a hypo.

- A what?

- A hypodermic.

Oh.

- This thing?

- Yes. Fill it from the bottle labelled pethidine.

Take it easy. It won't be long now, Miss Darling.

- Hurry up, Nurse.

- I'm coming.

Oh! You idiot!

You've given me the lot.

Quickly! Do something!

Yes, miss. Right away, miss.

Not to him. Me!

It's coming!

Oh, no!

No, I do not believe in free love. And what's

more, I think it's very insulting of you to ask me.

You don't believe in paying for it, do you?

I don't want to hear any more,

and I think you'd better go

before you say something you may regret.

I know what it is.

There's someone else, isn't there?

You've got a lover already.

- Haven't you?

- Certainly not!

It's just that I'm a simple woman

with simple tastes and I want to be wooed.

Ooh, you can be as wooed as you like with me.

- Oh, no.

You don't understand.

I want to be made a fuss of.

I want to be given chocolates and flowers.

Oh, well, here you are.

I'll buy you a packet of Fruit & Nut tomorrow.

Now, come on. Stop messing about.

I didn't think it was possible

that someone could go down to the depths

that you've gone in this pernicious manner.

I'm only flesh and blood!

I'm tingling like a beast, aflame with passion.

Burning with desire.

I'm bur... Here, I told you I was hot stuff, didn't I?

Oh! The wardrobe's on fire!

All right, all right, don't panic. I'll see to it.

Stand well back, Matron.

Now, then, don't panic. It'll be all right.

Now, then. Here we go, you see?

Don't worry, I'll soon have it out.

You Jezebel!

Bernard, I can explain!

- Now, look...

- Listen, they just phoned.

Here's the message,

"Jane Darling has gone to Finisham Hospital."

I can't help that. I tell you, she's not here yet.

- It's true. We were just watching television.

- In the wardrobe? The indignity of it.

- I'll never be able to hold up my head again.

- Sir Bernard, Matron, come quick.

Hey, come on, Dick.

Prodd! Good gracious!

What happened to him?

Don't ask me, sir. We just found him like that

when we opened up.

- He's drunk.

- That's not all, sir.

Take a look inside.

MATRON:
Triplets!

- Nurse, did you?

- She did. And she was absolutely wonderful.

SIR BERNARD:
Three little darlings.

Three Darlings...

Right. This is the storeroom where they keep

all the stuff, down in the basement here.

Oh, yeah?

Where do they have all the babies, then?

Up in the ward, stupid. Where do you think?

Well, it doesn't always follow.

My mum had me on top of a bus.

I'm glad he told us that. It makes the job easier.

Number 73.

Bang in the middle of Brixton high street.

All right, all right. So you're a born traveller.

Now, will you shut up for a minute and listen?

Now, as far as I can see, the only way

we can get into the basement here

is through the front door of the hospital.

- That can't be right.

- Why not?

No.73 doesn't go to Brixton.

Oh, cor blimey...

- It does.

- It does not.

It goes from Marble Arch

out to Putney and Wimbledon.

- It can't do, else how was I born in Brixton?

- Oh, shut up.

I ought to know where I was born.

I don't care where you were born!

It's bad enough it happened.

We've got more important things to talk about.

Now, then, as far as I can see, we...

- You're both wrong. The 73 goes to Holloway.

- It does not.

I ought to know. I used to catch it on the way

to visit the old woman when she was in the nick.

- You're thinking of the 116.

- I am not thinking of the 116.

It goes down to Balls Pond Road,

and then turns left into Islington.

- What are you on about?

- After Putney it goes to Wimbledon.

- What a load of rubbish. It goes...

(Doorbell)

The fuzz!

Wait a minute. Wait.

What are we doing?

We're not wanted for anything yet.

- Oh, yeah. That's right.

- See who it is.

Papers.

It's only the papers.

All right, then.

Here, there's a picture of Cyril on the front page.

Let me see.

Oh, no.

There's one in this one, too.

Let's have a look.

- Oh, yeah. It's a good likeness, innit?

- Yeah. Great.

Something happened

to the doctor in the ambulance.

Blimey, Cyril delivered the babies.

It just shows you what a good education

can do for you, doesn't it?

- Fancy, old Cyril an heroine.

- Do you think he'll get a medal?

He'll get a kick up the backside.

Well, I only asked. What's he done?

What's he done?

He's just about ruined the whole thing,

that's what.

"Take it easy," I said.

"Don't do anything that'll draw attention to you."

He couldn't have drawn more bloody attention

if he'd had the kids himself!

I've got to get down there.

Well, Mrs Tidey. Another false alarm, I see.

Afraid so, Matron.

Do you know what I think?

All that talk of injecting me put him off.

Possibly.

Still, it's nice to be back. I don't like that

delivery room. It's not very comfortable.

It isn't meant for comfort, Mrs Tidey.

Well, it looks as if we'll have to try

something else, doesn't it?

Now you mention it, I wouldn't mind

some sausages and tomatoes.

Yeah...

Cor...

What is it? Quick, tell me. What's she had?

Bacon and egg and fried potatoes.

- Eh?

- So far.

What? Hasn't she? Hasn't she had the?

No, I'm afraid not, Mr Tidey.

You may as well go back to your trains.

What, again? I can't do that.

What'll my mates say?

I shall be a laughing stock.

Well, in your job, you should be used to that.

I've got to be back at work on Monday,

you know.

We're starting another strike then.

Really? Well, if it hasn't arrived by then,

I think I might join you.

Now, look here.

I'm not budging from here until she's had it

and that's it.

Well, please yourself, Mr Tidey,

but there's nothing more we can do about it.

Dynamite, that's what she needs.

Give her dynamite!

- Morning, Arthur.

- Morning, Sir Bernard.

- Sir Bernard.

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