Carry On Matron Page #7

- Yes, what is it, Matron?

I'd like to apologise

for what happened in my room.

Matron, if you're worried that I might be

considering disciplinary action, you needn't be.

We're all mature, adult people,

and whatever goes on between you

and Dr Goode is no concern of mine,

however disgusting it may be!

Nothing goes on. We're just good friends.

Good fr... I know all about good friends.

I had one at school.

She was the groundsman's daughter,

but never got off the ground.

That is a very uncalled-for remark, Sir Bernard,

and I shall expect an apology.

It isn't all you're expecting, I shouldn't wonder.

Very well, Sir Bernard. But don't come to me

again when you want to prove yourself.

I am a woman, not a do-it-yourself kit!

(Shouts) Good morning, Doctor.

Have a bad night?

No, thanks. I've just had one.

Just exactly what did you do

to my roommate last night?

- Your roommate?

- Yes. Nurse Carter.

What did I do to her?

Yes. Well, she hasn't been back to the room

all night. She's just disappeared.

- That's the best news I've heard today.

- I hope she's all right.

I'm supposed to be looking after her.

Believe me, Nurse Ball.

That girl can look after herself.

Have you done Mrs Brown's specimen?

- What?

- Mrs Brown's specimen!

Eurgh! It's done. Take it away.

Send in the first patient, please.

Morning, Doctor.

Oh. Mrs Tucker, isn't it?

Do sit down, Mrs Tucker.

Thank you, Doctor.

Now, what's your problem?

Well, I came to see you three months ago,

if you remember,

because I was going to get married

and I was worried about my husband

being able to have a baby.

- Yes, that's right. He was a bit older than you.

- 88.

Yes. And?

Well, if you remember, you suggested it might

be a good idea if I were to take in a lodger.

You know, someone a little nearer my own age.

Yes. But purely off the record, of course.

Well, it worked. I'm pregnant.

- Really? What about your husband?

- Oh, he's tickled pink.

Oh. That's all right, then. What about the lodger?

Well, that's the trouble.

She's pregnant, too.

Nurse Carter, I've been worried about you.

Where have you been?

Fast asleep in the sluice room, Matron.

I couldn't stand the fuss last night.

I had to get away.

But you acted splendidly, my dear.

We're all very proud of you.

Matron, I don't think I'm cut out

to be a nurse. I want to pack it in.

Nonsense. You're just tired.

You take the day off.

Have a nice rest,

and tomorrow you'll feel differently about it.

- Oh, no, I won't.

- Take it from me.

I've had hundreds of capable nurses

through my hands

and you have that extra little something

the others haven't got.

How did you know?

Excuse me,

but the dispensary's out of Penbritin.

I shall go to my room, get the key

and meet you in the store.

Nurse Ball, take Nurse Carter to your room

and put her to bed immediately.

- Oh, no!

- Oh, yes. Do as I say.

Come along, Matron's pet. Let's go to bye-byes.

I think I can manage from here, thank you.

I may as well see you into bed.

No. I'd rather be alone, if you don't mind.

- Please yourself.

- Thank you.

I don't believe it!

I just couldn't go without making sure

you were OK.

Perfectly, thank you.

You fell right on your chest.

I hope you didn't do it any damage.

Oh, no. It's fine, rea...

Oh, good. Well, now I'm here,

I might as well help you get undressed.

- I can manage by myself, thanks.

- Don't be silly.

- Honestly, I don't need help.

- Good heavens. What are you worried about?

As a nurse, I've had to undress plenty of men.

I dare say, but that's beside the point.

Some people...

You said "men".

You know, then? But how?

When you tripped on the stairs just now,

I saw something that left no doubt at all.

Oh, well, that's it, then, isn't it?

I've met some pretty kinky nurses in my time,

but never one who wore striped shorts.

Oh! I pinched those last night

when I split the black lace ones.

Black lace... I'd love to have seen that.

I don't have to bother with this damn thing

any more.

Oh, that's much better.

You know, you're really quite dishy.

I bet you say that

to all the female impersonators.

Would you mind telling me, why the hell

did you do it? For a bet, or something?

- No, nothing like that.

- Oh, I see.

You just felt the urge to become a nurse

and deliver a few kids, eh?

No. I didn't know that would happen.

Well, why then? We are roommates,

and roommates ought not to have secrets.

You won't like it if I tell you.

- Well, I'm not forcing you to.

- Oh, no. Please, don't go.

I'd like you to know.

You see, it all started...

How do you do? I wonder if you could tell me

where I could find Nurse Carter.

Are you from the press?

Oh, no. I'm his father.

Er... she's my son. My... my daughter.

I've got so many kids, it gets confusing.

Well, Mr Carter, she's resting at the moment.

She had a very hard night.

Yes, I know. But I'm sure she'd like to see me.

Just for a few minutes.

Well, since you're her father.

She's at No.16, the nurses' home.

That's outside and turn right.

Thank you.

Mrs Kemp, what was Mr Hodgkiss doing here?

Mr Hodgkiss, Matron?

Yes. The man who just went out.

Oh, that wasn't Mr Hodgkiss, Matron.

That was Mr Carter.

Nurse Carter's father.

I could have sworn that...

What did he want?

To see his daughter, I think.

I sent him to the nurses' home.

Did you?

There's something funny going on here.

I told you you wouldn't like it.

You, a crook? I don't believe it.

I'm not a proper one. It's my first go at it, actually.

I only did it to please my dad.

- To pinch pills? But that's ridiculous!

- Yeah. I agree. It's stupid.

You'll have to tell them, I suppose.

Well, yes. I suppose I should.

But... I don't know,

I just don't think they'd believe it.

Well, I'd better get back to work.

- You mean you're not going to?

- Not going to what?

- Tell them about me and what I'm doing here.

- What about you? What are you doing here?

You're lovely. Do you know that?

Ah... you're not so bad yourself.

What was that for?

For being kind enough not to undo my bra

when I asked you to yesterday.

I'm glad you brought that up.

Here, stop it.

Excuse me.

Uh!

Cor blimey!

- Dad.

- Cyril.

This is my roommate Susan.

- Oh, hello.

- How do you do?

Is that who you were

worried about sharing with?

- Yeah. That's right.

- I sent you to the wrong school.

Will you excuse me? I've got to get back.

What do you think you're doing?

Kissing nurses. And without your wig on.

- You might have given yourself away.

- She knows all about it.

I know. They all do these day...

You mean, she knows about us?

- Yeah. But she won't tell anyone.

- That's it. We've got to do it tonight.

- You're still going through with it?

- Of course I am!

- Don't expect any help from me.

- Now, son. Son, don't let me down.

We need you to get us in.

- No, I'm sorry, Dad...

- You promised your mum.

- Now, look, Dad.

- Gertie... if you're listening to your son now,

plug up your ear holes.

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