Carry On Matron Page #8

It's too late. Do you hear that noise?

She's turning in her grave.

- All right. All right, Dad, I'll do it.

- Good boy.

- Just tell me what you want me to do.

- Stop doing that, for a start.

- We'll be here at 11 o'clock sharp. Got that?

- Yes.

We don't want any more slip-ups,

so please try and be careful.

How did that nurse get on to you?

She saw these pants

when I tripped on the stairs.

- We can't risk that. You'll have to take 'em off.

- What?

- Take your pants off.

- Oh, no.

Get 'em off!

What's going on in there?

Open this door at once!

- That's Matron!

- I'd better get out.

- That's the loo.

MATRON:
Nurse Carter, are you all right?

- (Falsetto) Yes!

- Open this door at once.

I know there's a man in there.

Let her in.

Oh! Oh, you poor child.

Where is he? Where is the filthy beast?

Oh!

Come back, you monster!

Come back!

Ooh!

- Shh. It's all right. Don't scream.

- What do you want?

Well, that's very nice of you,

but I haven't got the time.

Oh...

All right, Nurse. Don't worry.

Oh...

MATRON:
Come back!

Come back. I want you!

My God! She's a sex maniac!

Go!

Good heavens, that's what's wrong with me.

I love her.

Miss Banks,

I want to see Dr Goode immediately.

Dr Goode, Psychiatry. Can I help you?

Oh, Miss Banks. Does he?

(Knock at door)

- Come in.

Ah, Goode, my dear chap.

Come in and close the door, will you, old boy?

You wanted to see me about something.

Yes. And don't pretend

you don't know what it is, you filthy beast!

What?

Don't try and deny it. I know what's been

going on between you and Matron, in her room,

every night, bouncing about together

like a pair of Ping-Pong balls.

I beg your pardon! We've never had

so much as an ounce of a bounce.

Don't expect me to believe all that claptrap

about watching television.

The set wasn't even turned on.

Oh, no. We had it off before you came in.

Aha! So you admit it, then?

Certainly not!

I've never felt about Matron in that way.

But now you come to mention it...

Aha! I'll get the truth,

if I have to beat it out of you, you swine!

Oh, no. No.

Sir Bernard...

Sir Bernard, no! No!

Help! Help!

- Oh!

- I think Sir Bernard's upset about something.

- I'll kill him, do you hear? I'll kill him!

- Please. You mustn't.

- Get out of my way, Miss Banks.

- I can't let you. Think of the scandal.

- Get out of my way!

- Argh!

Now, for the last time, will you admit it?

I've never even touched her, I swear it!

Liar and lecher. Admit it! Admit it!

I'm telling the truth. I swear it. Newt's honour.

You're a Newt?

Yes. I've been Master of the Grand Order

of Newts for five years.

Really?

Of course.

And I was a Tadpole for three years before that.

But this is splendid.

What pond do you belong to?

Wapping and Old Stairs.

- Really?

- Yes.

I am a Grand Salamander Newt

of the Watford pond.

You're not!

- Glub glub.

- Glub glub.

We swear

to uphold the noble code

of the Grand Order of Newts...

Now, come on, Mrs Tidey. Let's get to sleep.

But I'm still hungry.

It's not good to go to sleep

on an empty stomach.

Well, I'd hardly call yours empty, Mrs Tidey.

She's had two of everything for supper, Matron.

And two mugs of cocoa.

Well, we can't let her go to sleep hungry,

can we, Sister?

What about a nice big glass of... castor oil?

Good night.

(Snoring)

I'm going up to my room now, Arthur.

It should be a quiet night.

Nothing on the books.

I hope so, after last night.

(Falsetto) Who is it?

It's me, Susan.

Here you are. I think they're dry enough.

Thanks a lot.

Next time, be more choosy

about which nurse you have a bath with.

They smell something awful.

- I didn't notice what she smelt like.

- No. You were too busy looking.

Oh, go on. Go and get changed.

Here, do you know something?

I don't know what your name is.

What is it really?

Cyril.

Oh, dear. Well, I suppose I'll get used to it.

Does that mean

you want to see me again, then?

Well, that all depends on you, doesn't it?

You know I want to see you.

That's all very well,

but I don't fancy being a gangster's moll.

I've told you. Honestly. I'm going to pack it all in.

All right, Nurse. It's a deal.

How's the time?

Two minutes to.

Drive in slowly, and park.

Dad, wait a minute! Listen! Dad!

Dad!

- Everything OK?

- No.

Prodd's hanging around the entrance hall.

- Is that the one who tried to get matey?

- Yes. That's what I'm worried about.

- Get him out here.

- Me? How?

You're a woman, aren't you? Flash 'em.

Dad...

You seem a bit down tonight, doc.

You'd be down, too, if you'd had 50ccs

of pethidine up your archipelago.

ARTHUR:
Hey, talking about that,

- here comes our little heroine.

- Oh, no.

Oh, Dr Prodd,

I wanted to apologise for what I did last night.

It's all right. It only hurts when I sit down.

You've been so sweet about it,

I feel I owe you something in return.

Well, if you put it like that...

What had you in mind?

I was wondering whether you'd like to see...

me back to the nurses' home.

Yes, I think I could just about manage it.

Standing up.

I don't know what it is about a maternity hospital,

but they're all at it.

- Just a minute.

- What's the matter?

- I've got something for you.

- What is it?

A little surprise. Close your eyes.

Let me have it.

All right. That's it. Get Ernie.

All right, Ernie, this is it. Out you get.

- Well, come on. Jump.

- I can't jump in my condition.

- Bag.

- And you.

- Get the bag.

- Sh!

- Nurse.

- Get the bag!

Pregnant and I've got to carry my own bag.

Cop hold of that.

Watch it. Just watch it.

Hold it. Careful. Careful.

It won't be long now.

- You show the way?

- Straight to the lift, Dad...

- Doctor.

- Thank you.

- Hey, what is all this?

- I er... It is all right.

I am Doctor... Zhivago.

I have here an emergency.

Oh. Are they expecting you, Doctor?

Expecting?

What do you think this is? Wind?

Don't you worry. The nurse knows all about it.

Oh, well, you're in good hands with her.

Jawohl. A proper little

Florence the Nightingale.

Doctor Zhivago?

What did I tell you? It worked like a charm.

- Cor...

- What's the matter?

It shows you, the power of suggestion.

- What are you talking about?

- I could have sworn I felt it kicking.

You'll feel something kicking if you don't belt up.

Come on, Freddy. Through here.

- We'll never pick that lock.

- Can't we blow it?

That's right. Wake up the whole hospital.

No. Only if we have to.

- Know where they keep the keys?

- Matron's got a set.

- Where will I find her?

- In her room on the fifth floor.

- You stay here with him.

- Wait a minute.

- What if it happens while you're gone?

- What happens?

Well, I mean, I...

I'm sorry. I keep thinking

I'm really going to have one.

I'll give you one in a minute.

Here.

You twerp!

- Oh!

- Oh. Scusi, madam, scusi.

That's all right. But what are you doing here?

What do you want?

I think we are lost. We look for the um...

how you say? Removal room? No?

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