Carry on Nurse Page #2

Cor!

What a fuss about such a little thing.

(Impatient buzzing)

Come in.

- Good morning, Colonel.

- It's not. No racing.

What are we going to do

to amuse ourselves today, eh?

I really don't know, sir.

Not unless you're interested

in a little private wager, sir.

- What are you talking about?

- With me, that is.

You see, it's Matron's round today.

Well now, she usually averages about

14 minutes 10 to about 16 minutes 30 seconds

from the top of the stairs

to the last bed in the ward.

- Half a crown on the nearest time to a second?

- That's it.

- Are you on?

- I'm on, sir.

- Got a stopwatch?

- I'll get one.

- Just a moment. Don't... I want that!

- I'm sorry, it's Matron's round.

- What's going on?

- Matron's round.

I don't care if she's triangular.

Mick!

Mick! Mick!

The veranda! Sweep the veranda first!

Do you mind!

Oh, please! Let's get on!

- I say! You don't know what you've missed.

- Don't I?

The most marvellous recipe.

Don't you worry, I shall be at it

the moment I get out. It's made in a flash.

Camper's Jamboree Folly.

I have it here!

You take a couple of red raisins, two whites of

eggs, one grated earphone... Earphones? Oh!

You wicked, bad girl!

I shall miss the next programme.

Feudal! That's what this place is! Feudal!

I could choke!

I'm studying nuclear physics,

the thing of the future.

I've got an examination to pass,

and I'm delayed because a survival

from the surgical Stone Age called a matron

is going to walk through here!

I could spit! I could scream!

My name's Oliver Reckitt.

You've made a mess of your hand.

Industrial injury?

Er... Pardon?

Hurt it at your work?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm a boxer.

How savage.

It's no more savage

than what you're doing, mate.

Pressing buttons, making explosions and giving

everybody horrible weather in the summer.

Come along! Come along! Come along, please!

- Yes?

- Ah, good morning.

My name's Perkins, Ted York's editor.

I've just brought some things along

from his digs. Can I see him?

Newspaper man, you know. Very busy at nights.

I doubt if he'll get anybody.

Go along in here now, out of the way.

Ted'll never get a single visitor, you know,

unless I can...

- Oh, good morning, Matron.

- Good morning, Sister.

Come along, come along. We must be quick.

I'm due at a meeting. Now...

- Good morning, Mr York.

- Good morning.

- Everything all right, I hope?

- Yes, thank you, Matron.

- Nurse?

- Ssh!

- Good morning, Mr Hinton!

- (Laughs raucously)

- (Continues laughing)

- Mr Hinton, please!

(Continues laughing)

Argh!

Beg pardon.

You're all right.

(Laughs raucously)

(Laughing continues)

- Feeling all right today?

- As well as can be expected.

If that's all there is to it,

why all the fear and trembling?

You'll see. That wasn't typical.

Stick around a few days.

I haven't got much choice, have I?

- Carry on, Sister.

- Thank you, Matron.

- Can I come out now?

- Yes, Mr Perkins. But be quick, please.

- Thank you very much.

- Come along, everybody! Back to work!

Crikey, Colonel!

She broke an all-time record today!

12 minutes, 20 seconds.

Now, I said er...14.2 You said 14.50.

You owe me half a crown, guv.

All right. There's the money there. Help yourself.

- I'll toss you, double or quits.

- Well, I must fly, sir.

- I'm all of a rush this morning.

- Blast the matron.

Listen...

Hospital life from the patient's point of view.

Byline, Ted York - dateline on the spot.

A series. It's sure-fire.

Look, everybody's interested in hospitals.

Look, we can't miss.

I'll run special supplements, special advertising.

I'll give you a bonus.

- It's as good as written.

- That's my boy.

All you've got to do is to sit here

and watch and listen and write.

YORK:
Now, don't forget the bonus.

- I won't.

I'm sorry, you must go now, Mr Perkins.

Mr Stephens is making his round

a little earlier today.

Certainly.

Don't forget, Ted. Keep it clean. Bye-bye.

Bye, nurse.

What's all this about an anaesthetic? I just

thought I needed a drop of the old massage.

Well, we have to manipulate your wrist,

set your hand in plaster of Paris.

- The pain would be too great.

- Oh, now, come on, doc, please.

I can bear any amount of pain.

You just do what you have to right now.

I've read about your left hook, Mr Bishop.

I've no desire to feel it.

You'd be well advised to sign.

You'll be here a week.

After that, with a little luck,

you'll fight again in about three months' time.

I'm sorry, there's no quicker way.

Being in a public ward

is quite an experience for me,

and a surprisingly pleasant one, I must admit.

- Mind you, of course, coddling can go too far.

- Definitely.

Private enterprise - that's the ticket.

I mean, you take my house, for instance,

on the er...the west side of the common.

I saw it on a Monday,

brought off a deal in the City on Tuesday,

bought it on the Wednesday - cash on the nail.

Private enterprise. There is nothing like it.

Definitely. That's how I got my house.

You... You've got your own place?

Yes. The manor. West side of the common.

What, that lovely stately...?

But... But... You own that?

Rent it. 23 bob a...

No, no, no, I'm a liar.

22s 9d a week, from the council.

But... But... But how?

Well, they had to give us somewhere.

I've got 11 kids.

Private enterprise. Definitely.

- May I borrow your chair?

- (Mumbles) Yes.

(Mouths)

- All right?

- I was.

(Dramatic piano run)

- I want to talk to you.

- I want to talk to you.

Oh? What about?

Yes or no today?

Well, as a matter of fact...no.

(Piano music continues)

- (Winces)

- Drink it.

Urgh!

(Piano music resumes)

(Chattering)

- Good evening, Mr York.

- Hello!

- Would you like a hospital visitor?

- A what?

A hospital visitor. Someone who volunteers

to chat with patients who have no visitors.

No, thank you.

- You visit me.

- You see enough of me all day.

Hm?

Cor!

A lady referee.

Back in the land of the living, Mr Bishop?

I got the compensation form from the union,

dear.

Well, it's about time. Let's fill it in.

Take my glove off first.

How do you expect to fill that thing in properly

like that?

Why don't you find something to lean on?

I'll take this book.

Take this book.

Full name.

Well, don't tell me you don't know that by now.

No, it's all right, dear. I was only thinking aloud.

Oh. Block letters.

- Now, date of accident.

- 27th.

- No, dear, it couldn't have been.

- Look, I ought to know.

No, dear, it couldn't have been.

Because the 27th I went to see Grandma.

You came to fetch me at the station.

You couldn't have done that

with a broken leg, dear, could you?

- What difference does it make?

- Well, it must have been the next day, then.

Oh, right. So it was the next day.

- What difference does it make?

- Oh, Perc, do try and be reasonable.

Ha! Reasonable.

Well, I mean,

you've got to be accurate on these things,

otherwise, well,

anybody could write in and claim.

Marge, look, just you write it down, girl, eh?

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