Carry on Nurse Page #3

Just get it down, that's all.

Now... Do you expect this incapacity

to last more than a week?

No, I'm er... I'm going to a dance tonight.

Oh, Perc, do help!

Well, it gives me the sick,

all these daft questions!

Well, they've got to know these things, dear.

Look! I fell off a scaffolding!

I broke my perishing leg!

Now what more do they want to know?

My father's chest measurements?

Oh, cor blimey. Now... Now...

Now, don't you start.

I can't help it.

It's too much.

You stuck in here, your leg stuck up there,

and I'm all alone.

I know. With three kids.

Oh, Perc, don't!

Marge. Marge, I'm sorry.

Now, don't go on like that, girl.

I get fed up, you see, stuck in here like this.

Oh, I know, I know.

It's not very easy for me,

and now you won't even help to fill the form out.

It's too much, Percy. It's too much for me!

Well... Well, look, I'm sorry, girl.

I'm... I'm sorry. Percy'll kiss it better, eh?

Um... Marge, I...

You'll have to come closer, girl.

You see, I... I can't move, you know.

Hm? Oh, untie my hand, nurse,

will you, please?

Not yet. You might fall asleep again.

Oh, take all these screens away, nurse.

I can't bear being shut in. Please.

All right.

Oh, my little boy.

Cor, you should see his right

when he punches our cat.

Ooh!

Hello. I'm Jill Thompson.

Harry Thompson's sister.

Oh, yes, of course.

Do sit down, please.

Harry's sorry he couldn't get here.

Well, he sent some books.

Oh, thank you.

Hm...

Problems Of Radiation.

Nuclear Physics Advanced Theory.

Oh, splendid.

What's this?

Wakefield's Practical Surgery?

- Oh, Harry must have put that in by mistake.

- Never mind.

Yes. It looks absorbing enough.

Yes, indeed.

You look pale, though.

There's no getting away from it.

Ah, it's probably cos I can't sleep.

- Being away from you, I expect.

- Ssh!

No, honest.

Well, you must sleep.

Ask the doctor for something.

- Don't be silly. He can't give me what I need.

- Bert!

Well!

I'm awfully sorry.

I do appreciate your bringing them.

Harry told me you live for your work.

Where have we met before?

- I have a curious feeling we've met.

- At home, once.

Oh, yes.

- How are you getting on?

- All right, thank you.

That's good.

- Is there anything else I can bring you?

- Oh, no. No, thanks.

Visiting time's nearly over. I think I'll go.

- Must you?

- Perhaps I'll look in again sometime.

You might want something.

Oh, do. It's most kind.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

Cor!

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Oliver.

Cor! What a way to treat your nice girlfriend.

She is not my girlfriend.

Ooh! (Chuckles)

She'd like to be, mate.

Yeah, you can take it from me. She'd like to be.

(Telephone rings)

Oh, Nurse Dawson. Visiting time's over.

Ring the bell, will you?

- Yes, Sister.

(Impatient buzzing)

All right, I'm coming!

(Alarm rings)

(Sirens)

Seconds out!

- Nurse Dawson.

- Yes, Sister?

- I thought I told you to ring the bell.

- I did, Sister.

- Then why are the visitors still here?

- Well, I don't know, I...

(Approaching sirens)

Oh, crikey.

(Coughing)

What's the matter, Mr York? Can't you sleep?

Wind?

Nurse.

- Staff?

- Yes?

- Sorry about last night. I was a bad boy.

- Oh, I've seen worse.

- Do you like night work?

- Yes.

- Nice and peaceful, eh?

- Sometimes.

- Good night.

- Good night.

Oh, thanks, nurse.

(Belches)

Oh, my gut!

Hello, you're early.

Sister told me to sterilise these catheters

last night. It went out of my head.

- I've just got time.

- You haven't. The steriliser's full.

- Oh, crikey!

(Buzzer)

Don't panic. I'll put them in a kidney dish on

the gas stove for you, if you'll see what he wants.

OK, thanks.

-What is it, Colonel?

- Hello, you're early.

Well, anyone would think

I was always four hours late.

- What can I do for you?

- Dashed if I can remember.

Coming in early,

you've put it right out of my head.

Suppose you buzz again when you remember.

If it's important.

What do you mean, "if"? Of course it's imp...

Oh, I remember!

It's my pulse, it's racing. Like I ought to be today.

- It's your imagination, Colonel.

- Positively pounding, I tell you.

You're feeling the wrong place. Give it me.

- What did I tell you?

- Ssh!

- Quite normal.

- Impossible!

Patients aren't allowed to contradict.

Hello! You're early.

The next person says that to me,

I'll spit right in their eye!

- Good morning, Nurse Dawson. You're early.

- Yes, Sister. Morning, Sister.

(Impatient buzzing)

- Is it a matter of life and death, Colonel?

- No, but...

Well, then, please wait!

- Morning, Matron.

- Morning, Doctor.

- Good morning, Matron.

- Good morning, Sister.

- Those screens are untidy, Sister.

- I'll see to them at once.

- Good morning, Mr Reckitt.

- Good morning, Matron.

Your temperature's behaving very oddly, I see.

Perhaps it'll settle down when I get up.

- Tomorrow, Mr Stephens said.

- Good.

Don't study too hard.

I don't know any other way to absorb knowledge,

Matron.

- Good morning, Mr Bishop.

- Good morning, Matron.

- Mr Bishop is a boxer, Matron.

- How interesting.

- And how did this unfortunate accident occur?

- Oh, it was in a fight.

The fourth round of an eliminating contest.

I'm a contender, you see.

Well, the bell goes, so I comes out my corner

like the clappers.

- The clappers?

- That is a boxing term, I believe, Matron.

How very interesting.

Yeah. Well, I gave him a couple of lefts...

like that, you know. Right in the gut.

I could have shook hands with his spine.

His guard dropped,

so I clocked him, dead on the button.

That was the end of the bout.

Broke my hand.

Well, Mr Bishop,

I hope you recover like...the clappers.

Well, thanks very much, missus. Er...Matron.

Very nice.

(Sniffs)

(Sniffs)

Phwoo!

(Sniffs)

(Sniffs)

- Cor! What a stink!

- The cook appears to be improving.

- Sister, investigate that odour.

- Yes, certainly, Matron.

Ow! Ow!

(Coughs)

You idiot!

Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry, Sister.

You really are a complete fool, aren't you?

And during Matron's round, too.

Go into my office and wait for me!

Oh!

Everything's quite all right now, Matron.

Nurse Dawson, how dare you burst in like that!

Oh, just a minute!

- Ruddy thing!

- It's Matron's round!

Well, mine's a pint! (Laughs)

- (Clears throat)

- Nurse, what is it? I told you to wait in my office.

I did, Sister. There was a phone call.

Emergency admission.

Very well. Carry on, nurse.

We shall just have room.

Mr Jackson's going home today.

I wonder whether perhaps...

I'm quite capable of continuing my round alone,

Sister.

Oh, thank you very much, Matron.

(Clattering)

Nurse Dawson!

Are you training for nursing or demolition?

(Impatient buzzing)

- I'm sorry, Sister.

- Yes, Colonel?

- I heard a crash. What's going on?

- Oh, nothing.

- Staff Nurse!

Staff Nurse!

Oh, I can never find you when I want you.

- What did you want, Sister?

- An emergency admission.

- Yes, Sister? What sort of case?

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