Carry on Screaming! Page #2

- Sergeant?

- You stay here.

- All by myself, Sergeant?

- Yes, Slobotham, all by yourself.

If I shall require any assistance,

I shall give three sharp blasts. Got it?

Yes, Sergeant. Blast, blast, blast, sir.

I beg your pardon.

On my whistle.

Immediately on hearing that,

you will surround the entire area.

But I can't surround the entire area

by myself, Sergeant.

Excuses, excuses.

Always excuses!

Why don't you young fellas get married?

It's much easier.

That's where we were.

A-ha!

Is that you, Sergeant?

How do you do?

- Do you notice it?

- What?

It smells as if something's been

dead too long.

Well, don't look at me.

Peculiar. Very peculiar.

Was it here before?

- I didn't notice it.

- Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes!

What could it be?

I don't know.

Let's get back to the station.

Slobotham! Where are you?

Slobotham, where are you?

Look!

Aaaaargh!

What's the matter with you?

It's me!

Oh, I'm sorry, Sergeant. I thought

it was that horrible thing again!

What horrible thing?

I don't know.

It was something unspeakable.

- Unspeakable?

- Yes. Never said a word.

It came out of the woods, straight at me.

Great big, glaring eyes.

Long, pointed teeth. Ten feet tall!

Did you notice anything unusual

about it?

Yes. There was a horrible smell.

Like dead fish, it was.

Dead fish?

- Have a look round, Potter.

- Right. Erm... no.

You go and look around.

You're the great detective.

I intend to.

First thing in the morning.

I've got more important things

to do at the station.

- Why are we stopping here, sarge?

- There's a house.

He's right, you know - it is a house!

Marvellous. But we're not looking for

a house, we're looking for Doris.

I know,

but it's the middle of the woods.

They might have heard or seen

something suspicious.

We can't leave any stone unturned.

What's the name of this road,

Slobotham?

- Avery Avenue.

- Then we must explore... Avery Avenue.

- There's a notice here.

- What's it say?

Just a minute.

Bide-a-Wee Rest Home.

Come on, let's go inside.

"Please knock."

Yes?

Good evening.

Could I see the master of the house?

The master of the house is dead, sir.

He's been dead 15 years now.

But if you'll come in,

I'll ask him if he can see you.

Yes.

If it's not too much trouble.

This way, sir.

If you'll wait in here,

I'll go and talk to the master.

Erm... I thought you said

he was dead?

So he is.

That should be a conversation

worth hearing.

How about this?

Must be the mistress of the house.

I say, Sergeant...

Notice anything unusual

about that woman?

- No... what?

- The eyes.

They seem to be alive.

Come.

I'm sorry to disturb you, miss,

but some gentlemen are here.

Yes, I was looking at them, Sockett.

What do they want?

They wish to see the master, miss.

My brother is dead, Sockett.

Don't you understand? He's dead.

Oh, yes, miss.

I did tell them that.

Then why are they still here?

Well, I'm afraid I forgot myself

and told them he might see them.

- Did I do wrong, miss?

- Oh, Sockett!

I'm terribly sorry, miss.

You won't...

You won't send me back... there?

I should do, Sockett.

If only you weren't so necessary

to me.

Enough! Let me go.

Go now.

I have to get my brother up.

What time is it?

Just past December.

I told you not to call me

till the beginning of March!

I know, Orlando,

but this is an emergency.

There are some men to see you.

I can't see anyone in my state.

I'm nowhere near regenerated yet!

You will just have to, my darling.

I think they're police officers.

Police officers?

What do they want with us?

We've done nothing wrong...

have we?

Oh, I don't know.

I sent Oddbod out this evening.

Oh, dear!

Hasn't he come back yet?

- Yes, he's come back.

- Oh.

Well, he's come back,

but one of his fingers is missing.

Oh, I hope he didn't leave it

anywhere embarrassing.

That's what I'm afraid of.

I sent him back after it,

but he was disturbed.

So would you be,

with a finger missing.

That's the trouble

with my regenerative process -

it makes everything so brittle.

You never know what's going

to drop off next.

Be serious for a moment.

If they found that finger,

it could be very awkward.

Yes, I'd better go and see them,

I suppose.

Don't go without your portable booster.

You've only had 1,000 amps.

They would have to come tonight,

just when I'm feeling half-dead.

Wha-a-ahhh!

What is it? What happened?

- Oh, lumme!

- It's only a mummy.

What, a mummy?

With a beard?

Well, they didn't only do it to women.

Their men got pickled, too.

Ah, gentlemen.

I see you're admiring my Pharaoh.

He was the founder

of the fourth dynasty, you know.

King Rubbatiti.

How very interesting, sir.

Yes. I've often thought how fascinating

it would be to make him live again.

I bet he could tell us a thing or two,

eh?

All those barge orgies on the Nile.

No wonder they kept finding things

in the bulrushes!

Would you be the master

of the house?

That's right, yes.

I only ask because your butler

informed us you were dead.

You don't want to take

any notice of him.

A young Lady has disappeared,

and we're anxious to trace

her whereabouts.

- Oh? Whereabouts?

- Hereabouts.

- At ten o'clock.

- Or thereabouts.

- In this vicinity.

- Or roundabouts.

- We're police officers.

- Or layabouts.

That, sir, as you may have surmised,

is a member of the general public

who's been giving us some right

cooperation.

I just wondered, sir,

if you had happened to see or hear

anything suspicious this evening.

Oh, no. I haven't heard

or seen anything for weeks.

I've been... away, you see.

Will you make a statement

to that effect?

I just did, didn't I?

Well, I'd like my assistant to get it down,

just to get it on the record, sir.

- Now, first of all, your name, please.

- Doctor Watt.

- Doctor who, sir?

- Watt.

Who is my uncle, or was.

I haven't seen him for ages.

- We appear to be at loggerheads, sir.

- No, no, this is Bide-a-Wee.

Loggerhead's about

five miles down the road.

- No, no, about your name.

- Watt!

- What's your name?

- Watt's his name!

That's what I'm trying to find out.

Excuses, nothing but excuses!

Just get the statement down.

"I haven't seen or heard anything

suspicious in the vicinity this evening."

You too, eh?

I'm so glad it wasn't just me who didn't.

Look, we won't take up any more

of your valuable time.

You've been most kind

and cooperative.

Not at all. I'm only too glad

to help at an... ti...

- What's the matter, Doctor?

- Just a bit run down.

If you'll just plug

this into the socket...

- What's happening, Sergeant?

- Oh, lumme, look! He's going away.

Don't just stand there. Plug it in!

Oh, crikey!

Now he's coming back.

Ah, that's better.

Now, where was I?

Well, sir, you were sort of coming

and going. We didn't quite...

What's the matter with you two?

Come back here!

- Didn't you see what he did?

- Yes. He's right, Sergeant.

There's something not right

about that man.

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