Carry on Screaming! Page #3

Don't be so silly!

He's just an eccentric, that's all.

- I saw through him immediately.

- So did we. That's the trouble.

Oh, gawd!

Slobotham, you and I,

as respectable officers of the law,

are going to walk out of here

with dignity.

Slowly.

Oh, Oddbod, if only you weren't

so damned attractive...

- They've gone.

- Good. Did they suspect anything?

Of course not.

I went out of my way

to behave perfectly normally.

Well, that should be all right, then,

shouldn't it? What did they want?

Oh, something about a girl,

disappearing in the vicinity.

Oh, that must be the one

Oddbod brought back.

Oh, he got one, did he?

Oh, yes!

Very nice.

I must say, he has very good taste.

Yes, well,

we must vitrify her tonight

and get her away first thing

in the morning.

Ah, look! It's started to work.

Oh, yes.

It's regenerating very nicely.

Well, this is a nice time to be

coming home again! Half-past six.

Now, don't start.

I've been up all night

looking for a woman.

Well, that should be something

you're good at. Looking for women.

I wouldn't say that.

Last time I tried it, I found you.

I dread to think

where you'd have been without me.

Do you know something?

I watched a bloke disappear

in front of my eyes tonight.

I was just wondering:

why couldn't you

do something useful like that?

Oh, yes, you'd like to get rid of me,

wouldn't you?

Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you?

Emily... Dear Emily...

Shut up!

Oh...!

What have you done?

Taken it down!

Do you realise you have cut me off

in my prime?

How are they going to call me

when they want me?

That's your worry!

Now, I'm going to get some of the sleep

it's been depriving me of.

Aaaaargh!

- You forgot to disconnect the wires!

- I can't stand any more!

- That'll teach you!

- My heart won't stand it.

Hello?

Oh, Slobotham...

No, we weren't doing anything.

What? Good!

Oh, strewth! Try and stay awake

till I get there.

- You're not going out?

- No, I'm putting these on to tread grapes.

Well, that's lovely, that is!

Do you realise I've had

a full two minutes of your company?

This is a real red-letter day,

isn't it?

I must remember to make a note of it

in my diary!

I'm wanted down at the station.

Oh, yes, you would be!

Put them before me!

Why don't you marry the ruddy police

force, and have done with it!

What, and miss all the fun

I've had with you?

I don't know why you bother

coming home at all.

Stay at your rotten police station.

Let them look after you!

See if they'll give you

what you got from me!

It's been so long

since I've had anything from you,

I've forgotten whether it's worth having.

"Fingers I have known". No.

"Fanny Hill". No, that won't...

Ah, here it is. "Origins Of Man".

Ever read this book?

Here, look at this.

Homo gargantuoso.

Homo... Aye.

Well... whew.

Erm... that's the wrong homo.

Ah. Homo gargantuoso.

Here it is.

Well, the finger looks the same.

Aye, that's the one.

Extinct now, of course.

Are you saying that...

this finger's come off something

that's been dead for 500 years?

No doubt about it.

Dead as a doornail.

Doc, you must be wrong.

That finger came off something

that was alive last night.

We can very soon prove it.

We can prove whether it was

living membrane

by giving it a very strong

electrical charge.

Well, you do that, will you?

Sarge, we've got a lead.

- This was pushed through my letterbox.

- What was?

"Dear Sir, if you want to know

what happened to Doris Mann,

"I can tell you.

"I am the cloakroom attendant

at the one by the park,

"and you can see me any time

at my convenience."

- Let me see that.

- Is it genuine, sarge?

I don't know.

It's unusual notepaper...

perforated at both ends.

Could be! Come on.

- They've just come out.

- Let's follow and see what they're up to.

Good idea.

Oh, hello!

Morning, gents.

Like a nice wash, would you?

- Erm... ta.

- Help yourselves.

I got your note.

Ohhh...! You're the young fella

who was with that girl, aren't you?

- Yes, yes. What do you know about it?

- Plenty.

But it'll cost you a bit.

All right, all right! That'll be

quite enough of that sort of talk.

Here, what are you doing?

Who are you pushing?

I'm a police detective,

and I must warn you

that I shall take down anything you say.

All right. Trousers.

All right, Slobotham, I'll take over.

Forgive him. He's a bit new.

There's no need for anybody

to get excited, is there? Mr erm...?

Dann. Daniel Dann.

- Dan Dann?

- Yes.

That is a funny name

for someone in this job, isn't it?

We just want a friendly little chat,

Mr Dann.

Well, shall we go to my little room?

Make yourselves at home, gents.

Well... this is a nice place

you have here, Mr Dann.

Yes...

Well, there's something

to be said for it.

I live in a man's world.

Well, Mr Dann, about this note you sent

to Mr Potter - it's very important.

Ah... Mrs Peabody.

Hello! Mrs Peabody!

Nice woman.

Her husband's a customer of mine.

Yes, very interesting, but...

You know, I can honestly say that I know

everyone who goes past here intimately.

Yes, I would say that business here

is definitely... looking up.

No stockings!

She never wears 'em.

Mind you, I see worse.

A Scotsman goes past here in a kilt,

and you wouldn't give it credence.

Mr Dann, Sergeant Bung

is trying to ask you some questions.

All right, all right, all right!

We want to know what happened

to Doris.

Yes, I'm sure you do.

'Er and the others.

"And the others"?

What do you know, Mr Dann?

I was working out at a place

near Hocombe Woods as a gardener.

Bide-a-Wee?

That's the place.

Not a bad job. Well paid.

- They're talking to Dann.

- Dann?

Dan Dann, the gardening man -

you know.

Oh... that could be very awkward.

We must silence him.

Oddbod...

Mind you,

I'm not saying that

what happened to Doris

isn't what happened to the others.

But it looked very suspicious to me.

Yes, yes, Mr Dann. For goodness' sake,

what happened to the others?

I was just coming to that.

I saw...

'Ello. Who's that, then?

Must be a stranger round here.

Did you see those dirty great plates?

Mr Dann, please...

What happened to those girls?

All right, all right, all right!

I was telling you. I saw...

Sounds like a customer. I'm sorry -

you'll have to excuse me, gents.

How long's he going to be?

Good morning, sir. Nice day...

- I don't like the sound of that.

- Nor me.

Come on!

Dann, Dann, where are you?

Sergeant!

Look...

Open it, quick!

Just a minute. Just a minute!

Don't look.

- Is he...?

- Drowned.

What an extraordinary thing!

Blimey. Now what?

Sergeant... Look!

Don't look.

You looked!

There.

I think she's ready for delivery.

Yes, quite the best one

we've done so far.

Pretty, too. Seems such a waste.

Oh, nonsense.

Living, she'd just have got old and fat.

But like this she'll stay

young and beautiful for ever.

Yes, but not half so much fun.

Put the lid on.

I'm going to raise Oddbod.

Excuse me, dear.

Now, listen, Oddbod.

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