Carry on Up the Jungle

# Oompah, oompah, stick it up your jumper! #

Well, friends, colleagues,

and royal bird-watchers,

I am very honoured to be invited here today

to tell you the incredible story

of my last expedition.

May I have the first slide, please?

And here we are,

two weeks out on safari.

Already deep into the interior

and already treading ground

that no White man had ever trod before.

Yuck!

Umballa.

- Elephant droppings, boss.

- We'll have to make another detour.

What is it? Why have we stopped?

You see all that? Elephants.

- I didn't think it was ours.

- What is it, Professor?

- Sh...

- Please, not in front of the ladies.

I was going to ask her to keep quiet. Sh!

- Oh, pardon me.

- Dear, dear, dear.

Isn't it safe to go on?

It's risky with elephants about,

unless they have cows with them.

- On the other hand, it could be all bulls.

- Coming from you, that wouldn't surprise me.

We've trekked far enough

for today, anyway. Upsidasi.

- What?

- Scout around, find camp site.

- Lookadikki?

- Dikkinookie, boss.

- What's all this dukkanikki-nukki stuff?

- That's Banga-banga talk.

I hope he hurries,

otherwise I'm going to be ickie-dickie.

Dear, dear, dear!

- June, my lavender water, please.

- Yes, milady.

- I'm afraid you've dropped one, Lady Bagley.

- I beg your pardon?

Oh, yes, of course!

It's a great pleasure to be of service, ma'am.

After all, we have travelled together

Yes, I know that, Mr Chumley, but I shall not

be requiring a 1,000-mile service, thank you.

Boss, boss, I've found a good camp site

there, boss. Big water hole.

- Fine. Drinkable?

- Hippopotamus there. They seem to like OK.

- Good.

- Hippopotamus? I'm not drinking after them.

Why not? They'd only be bathing in it.

If you had ever been in for a bathe,

you'd know why not.

You're too fussy, Professor.

Go ahead, I'll bring the women.

Very well.

Right in it.

Excuse me, Mr Boosey, but Her Ladyship

was wondering if she could have her shower.

Yes, certainly. Upsidasi, make shower tent

to make water over White lady.

Boss. Giri, Lamadi,

bagalo mansi por zulu upfasi.

Thank you.

Doesn't it bother you, being out here

in the jungle among a lot of men?

- Men have never bothered me, Mr Boosey.

- You must be joking.

Kika, kika. Umballa kuruwa.

- Evening, ma'am.

- Good evening, Mr Boosey.

Enjoying the safari, ma'am?

Immensely. Though I am a bit disappointed

we've not seen any monkeys so far.

You won't. They're very busy.

It's the mating season.

Oh, I see. Would they come if I threw them

some peanuts, do you think?

Would you?

That is a very big one you have there,

is it not, Mr Boosey?

Eh? Oh, this! Yes, well,

I'm going hunting, you see.

- I'll see if I can bag something for supper.

- I see. Game?

Any time, if you are.

- Well, er, I really must go.

- Yeah, well, they're all ready for you.

- If you'll excuse me.

- Certainly, ma'am.

Boss, look, there he goes.

- Get him, boss.

- Hold that, quick!

Did I get him?

No, boss. You aim good

but him in the wrong place.

- Where's he gone?

- He's gone into cover, boss.

There he is!

Give me that.

No, you twit!

Milady, your shower is ready.

Thank you, June.

I shall require you to pour as usual.

Yes, milady.

Well, I do hope that elephant doesn't stain,

that's all.

Dear, dear, dear, dear!

I'm beginning to wish

we hadn't started on this trip.

Every step one takes is fraught.

And, what is more,

we haven't spotted one rare bird yet.

It's not good enough, Chumley.

We must keep a sharper lookout.

Oh, don't worry, Professor.

I'm doing that all right, sir.

Cor!

Chumley, what are you looking at?

Oh, nothing, Professor. Nothing at all, sir.

Well, you must be looking at something.

Your rear was positively agog.

Oh. Oh, well, I um, er...

just thought, sir, that I'd spotted

the golden-crested tit, sir.

Ooh, impossible!

You don't find golden-crested tits here in Africa.

An occasional black one maybe.

Oh, of course. You're quite right, sir.

I was mistaken, sir.

- Yes, well, let me have a look. Where is it?

- No, I shouldn't bother if I were you, sir.

Where?

I can't see anything.

Oooh!

Well, yes!

That is definitely something.

Really, sir? What?

Oh, well, I can't put a name to it, actually.

It was just a quick flash of tail.

- Really? Let me have a look...

- Er...

It's gone now. It's gone into the jungle.

I tell you what. Look, you take these binoculars

and go and look for it.

- I don't think I should go outside just now, sir.

- Oh?

Lady Bagley will be... taking her shower.

Will she? Oh!

Well, I hadn't realised that. Oh, dear.

Well, we can't embarrass her, can we?

Poor soul.

I... could, of course, keep my eyes averted, sir.

Spoken like a true gentleman, Chumley.

Go and avert. Go on, off you go.

Now, round the back of the tent -

and don't let her see you now.

Oooh!

Oooh! Ooooh...

That's enough. You're getting too excited.

Take something, man. Take something. What?

No.

What's this?

Picket's Muscular Elixir.

Eases stiffness.

Just the thing.

Cor!

Dakka!

Oko pyopo, oko pyopo.

All right, patch him up

and break out a can of corned beef.

- Inkosa.

- June, hurry up with the water, please.

You shouldn't be carrying

heavy things like that.

- Oh, but Her Ladyship wants it.

- Don't worry, she's going to get it. Have a rest.

There's a good girl.

- June, are you there?

- Yes, milady.

Well, rinse me off, will you, please?

Ah!

Cor!

That's enough, thank you. Now,

bring the towel and rub me down, will you?

Ah. Mmm.

June! June!

June, where are you?

That's funny.

My turn.

Excuse me.

Ini loin daba.

Big White hunter!

Big White tin-opener.

Thank you, June. I shall not require you

any more. You may take the evening off.

In the middle of the jungle? Big deal!

Good evening, Mr Boosey.

Good evening, ma'am. Just checking supplies.

I haven't had an opportunity to thank you

for scaring off that gorilla.

That was nothing. You're all right

as long as the gorilla keeps chasing you.

When he stops and does that,

you've got to worry.

- What does that mean?

- When you go to find out why he's doing it,

he grabs hold of you, you see, like that.

They like to crush people to death.

Then they like to get a good grip on...

...anything handy and give a good squeeze.

- Oh, I see.

And then what do they do?

Then they nuzzle into the neck, see?

And start nibbling.

Oh. Well, why do they do that?

To keep your mind off

what their hands are doing.

Ahem!

Good evening, Professor.

Mr Boosey was showing me what happens

when a gorilla gets a crush on one.

Yes, I could see he was

up to some monkey business.

Ha-ha! Very good, that.

Grub'll be up in a minute. I'd better go

and have a wash. If you'll excuse me?

Of course.

- Look at them rings. Aren't they whoppers?

- I have a matching pair as well.

Don't think I hadn't noticed that.

Oh, he's so vulgar! So vulgar!

As a matter of fact,

I find his bluntness rather refreshing.

My dear Lady Bagley, we must face up to it.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes