Carry on Up the Jungle Page #2

The man is simply not a gentleman.

I understand he sleeps in his vest.

Oh, but sleeping in just a vest

displays a sense of individuality, surely?

It displays a great deal more than that!

- What on earth do you mean, Professor?

- I mean that a man like that

would stoop at nothing,

would go to any lengths to achieve his ends.

- Do you really think so, Professor?

- I'm sure of it.

I'm sure of it, my dear Lady Bagley.

You are too trusting.

Out here in the wilds, as we are,

and coming into close contact with each other,

day after day,

it only needs a glimpse of creamy skin,

a hint of milky thigh.

Why, Professor,

you make me sound like a dairy product.

Well, yes, you do remind me

of something in an English meadow.

What?

A babbling brook.

Sparkling, inviting, and so beautifully cool.

Well, I'm very cool now.

Night draws on, you know.

Oh, how sensible of you to bring a pair.

Dinner is served.

Allow me, ma'am.

Thank you, Mr Chumley.

Well, Mr Boosey, you may have dinner served.

Upsidasi, bung on the grub!

Oh, common as muck!

Tell me, Mr Boosey,

what have you bagged for us tonight?

This? This is what we call fricassee

of fully-grown African lion.

Is it? Delightful!

Isn't that rather dangerous,

shooting lions, Mr Boosey?

Oh, not half. Take this one here. When I come

across him, he was having fun with a lioness.

If there's one thing that drives a lion mad,

it's being disturbed when he's with a lioness.

Oh. Do they charge?

Oh, no, they do it for love.

What is your sport, Professor?

I don't think I've seen you shooting.

No, no, I get my pleasure in other ways.

Oh, really?

Professor Tinkle is an ornithologist.

Actually, I'm fascinated by rare and exotic birds.

Aren't we all?

Yes, my last expedition was to the Virgin Isles.

It was there that we discovered

the rare species of the frigate bird.

- The what bird?

- Frigate. Frigate!

- Now, now. Language!

- Now, you listen here...

What is that?

Probably a frigate hyena.

Let's have a bit of fun with him.

That'll shake him.

Lady Bagley, now you know why we are here,

won't you tell us what brings

a beautiful lady like yourself here to Africa?

Well, before I tell you,

I would like to show you something

that I have in here.

Oh, no, don't bother. I always say,

when you've seen one, you've seen them all.

I promise you, Professor,

you've never seen one like this before.

That is a picture of my little baby boy.

Lying there on the rug,

playing with his wee engine.

I must tell you that

soon after little Cecil was born,

my husband brought us out here

on our honeymoon.

It was a delayed honeymoon, of course.

Well, of course.

A lady like yourself would never make

the mistake of putting the cart before the horse.

- Or the club before the pudding.

- Will you spare us the clinical details?

Thank you. Pray continue, my dear.

One morning,

out here in the wilds of the interior,

my husband took our baby for his usual walkies.

And they never came back.

How ghastly, ma'am.

Soon afterwards, while searching

along the banks of the Limpopo River,

our bearers shot a crocodile.

And there, in its stomach,

was my dear husband's fob watch.

How very terrible! And the baby?

On the bank, close by, was his nappy.

Clean?

I'm afraid not.

- And so near to the Limpopo, too.

- But surely, ma'am,

after all this time, there's no hope?

Oh, no, but you see,

we never did find his nappy pin.

And it would be something to remember him by.

Argh! Ooh!

Africa is so very romantic.

I never get tired of listening

to the strange noises.

Burp!

- Must you do that always?

- Do what?

Emit air in that disgusting fashion.

Well, what else can I do with it?

Better than sneaking it out in other ways.

Mr Chumley, please don't worry on my account.

Let us just sit quietly and enjoy the night.

Is there something wrong, my dear?

No.

No, no, no, it's quite all right.

A little more?

I don't mind.

Of course.

Lovely, isn't it?

I... can't say I'm enjoying it, Mr Chumley.

- What? But you just said...

- How dare you!

Lady Bagley, what have I done?

You know perfectly well...

Oh...

Excuse me!

- I wonder what's up with her?

- Well, I don't know.

But whatever it is, it's certainly

rubbing her up the wrong way.

Oooh!

Oooooh!

All right, we'll rest here.

Akuna hama.

Bagalo, okura buzuru. Okura humbalaba. Taka.

Dear Lady Bagley,

did you see the giraffes just now?

Yes, I did. Quaint things.

I wonder why it is they have such long necks.

Well, it's quite simple. It's because

their heads are so far away from their bodies.

You know, I would never have thought of that.

You're so very knowledgeable, Professor.

Oh, it's observation, really.

I wonder if perhaps you could help me.

Do you know anything

about the habits of snakes?

Habits?

Yes. I mean, what do they do?

Well, strangely enough,

I've often wondered that myself.

Because they're exactly the same

all the way down, aren't they?

They don't seem to have the wherewithals.

- The wherewithals to what?

- Well, I mean,

they don't... if... I mean, er...

They're lacking...

Did you see the giraffes just now?

Yes, I did. But what I wanted to know was,

if one came in close contact with a snake,

could it harm one?

That would depend on the snake.

There is a brown one, the African viper,

which is very deadly.

- Oh, no, this one was definitely green.

- Ah.

And it sort of moved like that.

Ah, that would be the vindscreen viper,

quite harmless.

What's that?

- Quiet, everyone!

- Tutubera.

Well, Upsidasi, what do those drums say?

They say...

bum-diddi, bum-diddi, bum, bum, bum.

- I know that! What does it mean?

- How should I know, boss?

- Fat lot of use you are! Let's get moving.

- OK, boss. Hamalapa.

Taka! Hamalapa!

- What's the matter with them?

- I go to see, boss.

I wish he would go to sea.

He's no flippin' use on land.

Inendaba!

Inafina hay kulambawamba.

No fuma wamba.

No me kiwe buana ina blenechenawena.

- Well?

- They don't want to go on, boss.

I say that we must go on. They say no, I say yes.

- So now it is settled.

- Good lad.

Yes, boss. We go on, they stay.

How can we go on without them?

Who's going to carry all the supplies?

They're very frightened, boss. They say those

are the drums of a very bad tribe - the Noshas.

- The Noshas?

- Very bad tribe, boss.

Very savage. They eat people. Very backward.

Well, they're not eating me backwards.

Of course not. What a load of rubbish!

What makes them think they eat people?

Well, they say that the first drum says,

"Lay the table. Dinner on the way. "

And the second drum says, "Yummy, yummy. "

Perhaps it would be better if we don't go.

Yes. After all, this does seem

a good place to set up camp.

Not on your nelly. I am not being scared off

by a lot of silly, superstitious native talk.

They don't call me Rattlesnake Bill for nothing.

Now, you listen to me, you bunch of lily-livered

jackals! We are not staying here.

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