Carry on Up the Jungle Page #3

Put up the tents double-quick.

Faka som kike zuru. Kaka! Ka, ka, ka!

Boss! Boss, boss!

Listen, boss. The drums have stopped.

I know that. They stopped hours ago.

Why don't you tell me something I don't know?

The women of the Ubangi tribe, boss,

stuff the bones of the buffalo up their nose.

- What are you talking about?

- I'm telling you something you don't know.

- Go and get the beaters. We're going hunting.

- Dikkinookie.

Mr Boosey?

Yes, miss? What is it?

- The drums have stopped.

- Get away.

I wondered if it would be safe for me

to go for a walk. Would anything happen?

You could walk starkers through a Foreign

Legion outpost and nothing would happen.

Thank you.

Boss, boss! I got the beaters, boss.

Oh, cor blimey!

It's like trying to have a bit on an ants' nest.

All right, come on. Let's get going.

All clear for us to do some bird-spotting

if you like, sir.

Oh, no, no. You go, Chumley.

I have some paperwork to do.

All right, sir.

How lovely!

Ow-oooooh!

Ooh, aren't you lovely?

It's all right. You're safe.

Who are you?

Where do you come from?

Ug...

Don't you understand?

Don't you speak English?

Ug ug...

Or perhaps you've lived all your life

in the jungle?

Haven't you ever seen a woman before?

Obviously not.

Tell me, what is your name?

Name?

Look, me June.

June.

Understand?

June, June.

No! No, not those.

This June.

Understand?

June.

That's right.

Now, then, what is your name?

Ug...

Ug?

Oh! That's an unusual name.

That called a... a chest.

Chest.

- Chest!

- Good.

It's all right, it's nothing to be afraid of.

No, no, I know yours isn't like that,

but you're different from me, you see.

I'm a woman.

Woman.

That's right.

Woman.

No, no, no. Me woman.

Look, I'll show you.

See? Woman like that.

No, no, that's a man. A woman doesn't have a...

I mean a... Oh, dear,

this is going to be very difficult.

Woman.

That's it.

Chest.

That's right.

- Man.

- No!

Oh, dear. Perhaps we'd better start

with something simpler.

Water.

Wa-ter.

- Water.

- Good.

Now, swim.

Water. Swim.

Water.

No! No, no, I didn't mean I wanted to swim.

I, I...

Oh, well, I don't know, perhaps it would be nice.

You'll just have to wait for a moment.

I'll get some of these clothes off.

Ready!

Great Scott!

Oh, it's...

Is it g...

Oh!

Oh!

Kiss.

Kiss.

No. We're supposed to do it together.

Like this.

That's Mr Boosey, that bang.

I must go back.

Kiss. Kiss woman.

No, no, I can't now.

I tell you what, come here tonight. After dark.

Oh, dear. Here, look.

Look. Here...

Night-time. Understand?

Sh! You don't have to tell everybody.

Here, night-time.

Oh, dear. You must go now.

That's Mr Boosey, that bang.

Here, night-time, bang.

Yes, yes, yes, but for goodness' sakes, go!

My clothes, where are they?

Haka, haka!

Miningi stuta.

What I can't understand is, why is it always

the same fella that keeps getting in the way?

He's very stupid, boss. He got no gun sense.

He run right across in front of you.

Well, try and patch him up

and break out another can of corned beef.

Boss.

What on earth's happened to that poor fellow?

Terrible thing, terrible. He was out beating

up front, come across this mad elephant.

- Mad elephant?

- Nothing more dangerous than a mad elephant.

Are you sure it was a mad elephant?

He's been shot.

Yeah, well, have you ever seen

a sane elephant using a gun?

Professor!

Professor, look!

Look what I've found.

Oh, I can't believe it!

- Is it...

- It can't be!

- It isn't?

- It is.

- It is!

- It is.

- It is what, for Pete's sake?

- This is the tail feather from the oozulum bird.

- Have you gone potty? It's extinct.

- You've heard that story, too, have you?

I never did believe that story.

It's based on a physical impossibility.

No, never.

Of course,

the tail feather could have dropped off

just before it disappeared up its...

But still, all the same.

Argh!

Lady Bagley, whatever's the matter?

You look so wan.

I... I... I've just had the most terrible experience.

There was this savage with a spear

and he, he... prodded me.

- Where?

- In the bottom.

- No, no, where was the savage?

- I'm trying to tell you.

In the bottom of a little ravine.

Oh, what a filthy swine!

That sort of conduct makes me so mad.

- If only I had a gun.

- There we are.

Oh, yes, thank you so much.

Now, that's better!

Now what?

He's dead, boss.

Oh, dear! I do hope it's nothing serious.

Wait a minute, what's this?

Finder, please return. Property of Nosha tribe.

Huta!

Huta, huta!

Come back! Come back, you scum!

Huta! Paratuwi!

Well, that's that. We won't see them again.

You mean that we're left alone out here?

Yep. By morning, they'll be halfway home.

Oh...

Please help us, someone! Please help!

Man.

Woman. Water.

Tent.

Night.

Kiss.

Bang.

Oh...

Oh, no, you don't, you naughty boy.

Where do you expect me to go? You should

have made sure the toilets were put up.

That is no excuse. One of the first laws

of the jungle is no widdling in the camp area.

But you can't expect me to go into

the jungle. What if the Noshas see me?

- They'll get a nasty shock, won't they?

- You...

Evening, ma'am. Going somewhere?

Yes, I'm afraid I have to, Mr Boosey.

Pity. Well, don't go too far.

Cos if there's any Noshas about,

they'll find you a sitting target,

if you know what I mean.

Yes, well, I'll stay within calling distance,

of course.

Yes, do that. I'll be here.

And if you call me,

don't think I won't come running. Cos I won't.

Oh, blimey, another one. Excuse me, miss.

Looking for something?

No, er...

I was just going back to the pool, Mr Boosey.

- I think I remember now where I left my clothes.

- Oh, good. I'll come with you.

No, I'm sure that won't be necessary,

thank you, Mr Boosey.

I think I'd better. It's not safe for a pretty young

girl like you to be walking about alone.

Fada? Fada?

I'm going scouting. You keep watch. Lookadikki?

Sure, boss.

Dikkinookie.

Evelyn!

Lady Bagley, I'm terribly sorry. I thought...

No.

Why should I lie? I'm not sorry, I adore you.

I've been longing to take you in my arms.

Mr Chumley, kindly remove

your person from my person.

I can't. Oh, Your Ladyship, Evelyn...

This is Africa, a land of unbridled passions.

Let's get our bridles off.

Mr Chumley, I am aware of our geographical

position, not to mention our physical one,

but I must point out to you that there is a time

and a place for everything, even unharnessing.

What? Ah, you're right, of course.

Not here, eh?

Later, I'll come to you.

- Give us a kiss to be going on with, girl.

- No! Argh!

- Oooh!

- Aw!

Never mind "Aw!" What are you doing, eh?

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

- Professor, I was just...

- No, don't tell me.

I'm flabbergasted.

My gast has never been so flabbered.

- But I can explain, sir, really.

- No, no, I don't need your explanation.

I know what's been going on. You don't spend

a lifetime studying the habits of birds

without learning something, you know.

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