Casanova Brown Page #6

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you to do is this, J.J.

Yes?

Well, of course, my boy.

Leave it entirely to me

and rest assured that I'll handle it

with all the tact and delicacy

of a crooked diplomat.

Goodbye.

Oh, and my love to the little one.

That was Cas.

Well?

Oh, he says he can't make it tonight.

Can't make it?

No, he...

Tied up. He ran into an old friend.

Two, in fact.

One old and one new.

What do you say we all

catch a movie tonight?

- Mr. Brown?

Come in.

What's the matter?

I don't know. I wish I did.

Did something happen?

Well, at 3:
00 this morning,

she belched.

Well, that's fine, isn't it, for babies?

Under the circumstances, I'm not so sure.

Anyway, I took her up and weighed her.

She gained an ounce and a fraction

since the 10:
00 feeding.

No kidding!

And then she threw up.

Oh, well, that was it, then. Too full.

No, wait a minute.

After she threw up, I weighed her again.

She still had that ounce and a fraction.

Can you beat it?

Monica, there's only one explanation

to such growth.

What's that?

Glands.

Already?

If her thyroids backfiring,

anything can happen.

Too much of that juice and you're a giant.

Not enough and you're a midget.

Maybe it's the other way around.

One or the other.

Look, Mr. Brown,

if you're really so worried,

- why don't you call in a doctor?

- No, no. Not yet.

If it gets any worse,

if she really begins to spread out in

a big way, then I'll do something about it.

Meanwhile,

I'm gonna watch it very closely.

For one thing, instead of just weighing her

five times a day,

I think I'd better check it every hour.

What about the formula?

I don't know what we can do about it.

We can't get it without them finding out

where I am and I can't have that.

Anyway, I got some new stuff yesterday,

Pablum Wablum.

It's kind to baby's stomach,

it says on the box.

Will you want me?

If you can arrange it,

I'll be scrubbed up in about an hour.

I'll be back.

Don't you worry, my darling.

No matter what happens,

I don't care how big you get.

Daddy's always gonna be with you,

And Daddy's always going to love you.

Hotel Windsor.

- What about the goat milk?

- I'm still trying.

- Goat?

- Goat milk.

- Oh, you can't do that, you know.

- Do what?

It's strictly against the rules, goats.

- I don't want a goat.

- Ruin a hotel, absolutely.

I have no intention of getting a goat.

You have no idea

how they smell up a place.

Eat the silk, butt old people around.

Oh, I couldn't possibly let you do that.

All right, I'll forget it.

- Then you'll be a lot better off, believe me.

- Thanks.

Oh, why don't you get yourself

some goldfish, no trouble at all,

and they die overnight.

- All quiet?

- Still sleeping.

You didn't go near her, did you, Frank?

No, I chased a fly past her,

but I breathed through my nose.

- Germs, you know.

- Yeah.

No matter how clean we think we are,

we all carry germs.

Yeah, I know. Every week I read about it

in the Sunday magazine section.

Scratch all night.

What'd he say about the scales?

Absolutely accurate,

I watched when he tested them.

I simply can't understand it.

- She looks all right, don't you think?

- She looks just wonderful to me.

What's the matter, is something wrong?

She gained a pound.

Is that bad?

A pound in one week?

Do you realize that's 52 pounds a year?

- Well, I like big women.

- But not that big.

At that rate, she'll be about

12 feet high and 4 feet square.

It's the formula.

We still haven't hit it, Monica.

We've got to find something

a little bit weaker.

We've got to slow her down.

- You feed her much?

- No, only when she cries.

What about the one on Page 16?

Oh, that one was dynamite,

you can see her grow with that one.

Why don't you...

Why don't you put a little gin in it?

Gin?

Well, that's the way

they say they make jockeys,

put a little gin in their Wheaties.

Monica, suppose you try the hospital?

Which one?

The Ellen Harris Hospital,

where she was born.

- But don't tell them that.

- Why? Don't they know it?

Never mind why, don't tell them anything.

Operator, get me State 4567.

- What'll I ask?

- Ask for Dr. Zernerke, Martha Zernerke.

And ask her what the dickens

you feed a 4-weeks-old baby.

Ellen Harris Hospital? Dr. Zernerke, please.

- Answer no questions, understand?

- Yes, sir.

Dr. Zernerke?

What do you feed a 4-weeks-old baby?

I'm sorry, but I couldn't possibly prescribe

a formula for a baby I didn't know.

Especially over the phone.

Who is this speaking?

Hello? Hello?

I'm sorry.

Well, I must say,

he's the most peculiar young man.

As you know,

these reports on the baby's health

have been coming in

at the rate of two or three a day.

And if they're to be believed,

you have no serious reason

for concern on that score.

- May I see those?

- Certainly.

Oh, he won't let anything happen to her,

I know that.

- But I want my baby.

- Of course you do.

And I want to kill him.

You really think we need to go that far?

Well, we can certainly put him in jail,

can't we?

That goes quite without saying.

The only question remaining is

for how long?

Forever.

Jail forever. Check.

All ready, Mr. Brown.

Nipples?

Pablum Wablum?

Which one do you think

you'll use?

Well, let's see,

Tuesday we used the one on Page 16,

with the barley sugar,

but I don't think she cared for that.

She kept it.

Well, then we switched to 18

with the sugar and milk.

Then we took a shot at 22, with Vitro.

What I think we better do today

is combine the whole business

on a base of Pablum Wablum

and lace it with milk.

Here.

Thanks.

We're bound to hit it sooner or later,

you know.

- Who is it?

It's me, Mr. Brown, Frank.

Oh, come in.

- I got it.

- Got what?

The formula,

what Monica said you was after.

- Did you tell...

- No, sir, I never told them a thing.

- They didn't ask you?

- Sure they asked me.

The minute they heard your name,

right away, that's the first thing they

wanted to know, where was you.

- They recognized the name?

- Recognize it?

Boy, what did you do to that hospital?

You didn't tell them where I was, did you?

What do you take me for, a chump?

I never told them nothing.

Not even your number?

- Well, what number?

- Your phone number.

Well, what would they want

with my phone number?

I didn't call them,

I went right over to them in person.

- You went to the hospital?

- Why not?

- In that uniform?

- Sure, the hotel don't care.

Well, what's the matter? What'd I do now?

Look at your pockets, you dummy.

What's wrong with my pocket? There's a...

Holy jumping Jupiter.

How do you like that?

- Oh, listen, Mr. Brown...

- Please let me think.

- Do you think they'll come for her?

- You bet they'll come for her.

Then why don't you get out of here

and go somewhere else?

With what? I don't even know how I'm

gonna pay my bill here, much less move.

- What will they do with her?

- Do with her?

They're gonna give her away.

People are gonna drop around and look her

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