Cassanova Was a Woman

1

[female narrator] Sex...

Sexuality.

What makes one person attracted

to another?

What is attraction?

Is it emotional?

Is it physical?

or...

a little bit of both.

I used to think you were either

born gay or born straight.

Oops! Sorry!

That's alright, sweetie.

Nowadays, its okay to be what

they call

"sexually fluid".

But what does that actually mean

when it comes to

relationships?

You know, monogamy, commitment.

Can you be a free spirited,

sexually fluid,

pansexual,

bisexual,

metrosexual

monogamist?

Oh and...

also be Latin.

[cat calls in Spanish]

[answers in Spanish]

Holy sh*t! I thought you were a

gringa!

I don't know.

I just know that...

life is full of

exciting,

unpredictable,

pleasurable

chaos.

That, no book or class or parent

can prepare you for.

You pretty much have to wing it,

and go with your gut.

Always go with your instincts.

Well,

that's what an acting

teacher told me, anyway.

[grunting in distress]

[woman squeals]

[woman laughs]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

I think so. I think so.

Thanks.

Hey, I'm uh, I'm Lola.

Hi, I'm uh

I'm Cassanova.

Thank you.

- Wait a minute.

Hi! I am Cassanova.

"Cassanova"? Wow!

That's a unique name.

Especially for a woman.

Yeah. Well, it's with the

two "s's" though.

You know. Not the one 's'

like the famous lover.

Oh yeah yeah. That is different.

Hey, wait a minute.

Are you in the 80's play?

Uh, yeah. You?

Yeah, I mean that's gonna be

fun.

Ha! But I mean, 80's, ooh!

Been there, done that.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, me too!

I hope they don't need this as a

coat rack,

'cause I think I ruined this

thing.

You know what? Let's get out of

here

before we get busted, okay?

That's a good one.

[Cassanova] So, you weren't

supposed to be in the show?

[Lola] No, but a friend on the

crew said

they were looking for this

character

and they couldn't find her.

So, here I am.

I'm glad.

I read with some of the

people that read for your part,

They were horrible.

Like they couldn't even do a

Queens accent.

They were like,

[stilted fake accent]

"Forget about it."

as opposed to you know,

fuggetaboutid [Brooklyn accent]

"Yo, you talkin' to me? "

"Yeah baby, who else

would I be talkin' to?"

[with accent]

"I grew up in Queens

and I walk my 'dawg'

every morning, to get my cup of

coffee."

We Hobokonites have the same

accent.

So, you are from Hoboken?

Yeah.

Yeah, I live in Jersey too

- the "burbs".

Listen, I gotta go this way.

But I'll see you tomorrow?

Well, you sure you don't want to

grab a bite to eat or something?

Naw, I have a date.

Who is this lucky...person?

My husband.

Oh, you're married!

Yeah. Ten years.

We have a romantic dinner

planned.

Can't miss it.

See ya tomorrow?

See ya tomorrow.

[alarm beeping]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[man] I love you.

I love you too.

See you tomorrow, everyone.

Same time, same place.

[speaking in Spanish]

[sighs]

Excuse me, could you just,

excuse me.

[party music]

[music continues]

Cass?

Cass!

Oh my God! It's so good to see

you.

Hola, chica, how's it going?

I'm gonna come, sit with you.

I don't think there's room

but...

It's alright.

Nice boots, girl.

God, these young girls are big.

Excuse me!

Ooh, I think you lost something.

How are you?

Great!

Oh my God!

I'm great but can you believe

my agent sent me out for this?

I'm gonna kill her.

Why? You'd be perfect.

What? What are you talking

about?

Look around, Evelyn!

I look like the offspring of the

Brady Bunch in this room.

But you're not, okay?

You're a Canto to me,

you're more Latina than most of

these

wanna be Nuyoricans who can

barely speak Spanish.

You know how it is, Evelyn.

Unless you look like

Jennifer Lopez, you're not

Latin.

Why does your agent send--

- Can you please just...

You're not going to get it,

mama, I'm sorry.

Why does your agent send

you out on this kind of stuff?

Tell her that you want more

Anglo-Saxon...

I tell her, I tell her but

she knows I'm Cuban.

You know, but it doesn't matter.

I've been out for everything,

all kinds of roles,

all American wasp, Eastern

European, Latina,

Canadian, Alaskan, Scandinavian,

everything in the book.

Give me a U, give me an S,

give me an A, a, a!

What's that spell?

What's that spell?

No really, what's that spell?

[toy gun drops]

[man] Ouch!

So you think because I am

Russian,

I am a communist?

Well, you are right.

[man] Are you Italian?

[coughing, sputtering]

[laughing]

That happened?

It totally happened.

Oh, that sucks, Cass.

I'm so sorry.

But you know, why do we do it?

I don't know...because we're

freaks?

Freakers are seekers, baby.

That's true.

Alright, so what side do you

have?

Let's see, I am

oh, shocker.

Hooker #1.

She has a fight with her pimp.

That's uh, original,

really original.

I got Hooker #3.

At least we're not up for the

same role.

That's good.

Mine gets beaten and then

questioned by the police.

Good for you.

I wonder who's got Hooker #2.

Don't know. One of these

hookers.

Cassanova Ciantu?

Canto! Right over here.

Wish me luck!

Love you! Be careful.

Nice booty.

You know, I'm a huge

New York Beat cop fan.

I've been trying to get

an audition for years but

my agent actually says

she knows you.

She actually met you at

one of the parties that...

Hi!

I'm just gonna put this down.

[clears throat]

Any questions?

Cassanova?

[offensively exaggerated

Spanish accent] Yeah, um...

was she raped and beatin' first,

before she got high and

'ovadosed', you know,

or was she raped and beatin',

while she got high and then

'ovadosed'? Because you know...

that's stupi', yo!

[Cassanova] Suffice it to say,

they didn't buy me

as a Latina

hooker, but...

they would buy me as an Irish

one.

[Irish accent] Apparently they

think I'd make a better living

on the streets of Dublin,

not Times Square.

How's my Irish accent?

Is it okay?

Better luck next time, Cass.

Yeah, whatever.

What else is going on?

[Cassanova] You a**hole!

I'm trying to share something

really important with you

REALLY enlightening.

And all you care about is

how you fit into the picture.

I think I'm not in love with him

anymore.

I don't know how this could

happen. We're...

We're constantly arguing.

Peter, you can't let go of

something that happened

three years ago, and then

nothing.

Maybe I should have cheated on

you too.

We were so in love. It's...

It's crazy.

[Peter] You lied,

and you cheated on me and you

never really apologized for it.

Nev...Never?

Never apologized for it?

Let me see,

where is that freaking

affidavit?

I have written testimony, that I

notarized

stating the numerous, extensive

apologies

that have come out of

this mouth.

C'mon! That's bullshit!

Why is it crazy?

People do fall out of love,

you know?

Yeah, but I thought I'd be with

him for the rest of my life.

I don't think I can do it.

[Peter] I can't believe that

after all--

I'm not gonna rehash this again.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes