
Casting Couch
[rumbling]
- HI, I'M LINDSAY GRIFFIN.
- I'M CHELSEA MORGAN.
- KRISTIN FOX.
- TAYLOR HAWKINS.
- I'M KIMMY.
- ALEX TAYLOR.
- HI.
- DALLAS MITCHELL READING
- I'M JUSTIN,
BUT SOME PEOPLE:
CALL ME BRILLIANT.
- AMERICA
- AND FOR THOSE OF YOU
THAT DON'T YET,
YOU WILL.
- BE ANYONE,
TELL NO ONE:
GET LAID:
- TODAY'S THE DAY
THAT I OFFICIALLY REALIZED
THAT MY LIFE SUCKS.
YES, I'M HUNG OVER.
YES, LAST NIGHT WAS MY BIRTHDAY.
AND YES, I WOKE UP ALONE AGAIN.
WELL, NOT TOTALLY ALONE.
COME SAY HI, NEWT.
- UH, HI.
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO.
GO AHEAD, NEWT.
ASK ME WHY.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE I WON'T GET THE PART.
I NEVER GET THE PART.
AND HONESTLY,
IN THIS SHITTY, LOW-BUDGE INDEPENDENT MOVIE
WITH A BUNCH OF SHITTY
F***ING WANNABE ACTORS.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY WANT?
GO AHEAD, NEWT.
ASK ME.
- WHAT DO YOU
REALLY WANT, JUSTIN?
- TO GET LAID
BY A RIDICULOUSLY HOT CHICK.
- I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
HE WANTS TO SHOO SOME KIND OF DOCUMENTARY.
BUT HE OFFERED ME TEN BUCKS
AND A CHIPOTLE BURRITO
FOR EVERY DAY I FOLLOW HIM
AROUND WITH MY CAMERA.
- WHAT, DON'T AC LIKE YOU'RE ALL COOL.
YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED.
- THIS IS TRUE.
[dubious guitar chords]
THAT I WANT TO BANG
THESE HOLLYWOOD HOTTIES
WANT A GUY WITH POWER.
THEY WANT SOMEONE
WHO CAN CHANGE THEIR LIFE.
THE PERFECT HANGOVER CURE.
[angelic choral singing]
THIS DOCUMENTARY IS
ABOUT A GROUP OF DUDES
WHO HOLD A FAKE CASTING SESSION
FOR A FAKE MOVIE
FOR REAL.
COME ON, NEWT.
LET'S GO GET CHASE.
[music playing]
HEY, ROOMIE.
- GET OUT.
- HE'S LIKE A KITTEN
IN THE MORNING.
I NEED YOU GET OVER JORDAN, MAN.
- I'M OVER HER.
- WELL, IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE IT.
- MY ROOMMATE?
CHASE LOCKWOOD?
HE'S A MAJOR STAR IN CHINA
AND INDIA:
FOR SOME "B" HORROR ALIEN FILM
HE DID.
HE MIGHT EVEN BE A BIGGER STAR
IN WEST HOLLYWOOD
FOR STARRING:
IN WHAT I LIKE TO CALL
THE BISEXUAL PARODY
OF TWILIGHT.
HE WAS THE "EDWARD."
THAT'S WHAT YOU ALWAYS SAY, BRO.
ARE NOT MEANT TO BE TOGETHER.
- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- UNDERSTAND WHAT?
- SHE WAS THE BEST SEX EVER.
- YOU KNOW, IT DID SOUND
PRETTY GOOD.
[knocks lightly]
PAPER-THIN.
NOW, CHASE'S EX-GIRLFRIEND,
JORDAN HOLLIDAY,
SHE'S A SMOKING-HOT CHICK.
BUT I'M SURE YOU KNOW THAT,
SEEING AS SHE IS
A HUGE MOVIE STAR.
- SHE'S SO HOT
SO I'MA TAKE HER HOME
TO MAKE:
- BUT SHE'S THE BIGGEST B*TCH
WEST OF THE MISSISSIPPI.
- "I NEED A MAN, NOT A BOY."
- LOVE MY ROOMMATE.
LOVE LIVING IN HIS CONDO.
BUT HE'S TOTALLY
ONE OF THOSE ACTORS.
AND WE'RE STATING
HE'S A MODEL TOO--
NOT FOR ANYTHING GOOD.
[chuckles]
IN FACT, HE MAY BE THE VAINES PERSON IN LOS ANGELES,
COMPLETE WITH:
A ZOOLANDER COMPLEX.
- SHE'S SO HOT
SO I'MA TAKE HER HOME
TO MAKE:
- IN FACT, IF YOU ASK HIM,
HE'LL TELL YOU
HE INVENTED ZOOLANDER.
- DO I HAVE A ZOOLANDER COMPLEX?
[scoffs]
NO.
BUT I DID COME UP
WITH THE IDEA.
- [chuckling]
- SO I WAS SITTING
IN A STARBUCKS,
THE IDEA,
AND I WAS PROBABLY TALKING
REALLY LOUD, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE I WAS EXCITED.
AND I LOOKED OVER,
AND THERE'S F***ING BEN STILLER
STANDING THERE,
LISTENING TO ME WHILE HE WAITED
FOR HIS COFFEE.
- AND WHAT WAS
BEN STILLER DRINKING?
- AND THEN HE WALKED OU WITH HIS FRAPPUCCINO.
- BUT MY ROOMMATE'S GONNA BE A
VERY VALUABLE ASSET TO THE PLAN.
IF I'M GONNA CAS A FAKE MOVIE,
I'M GONNA NEED A SOMEWHA RECOGNIZABLE ACTOR ATTACHED.
AT LEAST HE HAS CREDITS.
[drum cadence]
I NEED YOU, MAN.
- I NEED GOOD SEX.
- EXACTLY.
I'LL HELP YOU.
NOT BY PLAYING:
WITH YOUR PECKER.
- [sighs]
YOU'RE GONNA GET ME JORDAN BACK.
- NO.
I'LL GET YOU SOMEONE HOTTER.
- [scoffs]
NOT POSSIBLE.
- OKAY, SOMEONE EQUALLY AS HOT.
ANOTHER ACTRESS.
YOU COULD MAKE HER JEALOUS.
- I'M LISTENING.
THERE'S A LINE OF GIRLS
OUT THE DOOR.
AND THEN WHEN YOU GET INSIDE,
HOLDING THE AUDITIONS.
HE HAS A PLAN.
- THESE GUYS AREN'T EVEN COOL.
THEY DO HAVE THE ATTENTION
OF OVER 100 SMOKING-HOT CHICKS.
- JUSTIN'S A NICE GUY.
HE'S INSTANTLY LIKEABLE.
BUT IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE HIM
IN A PHRASE,
HE'S ULTRA MEDIUM.
- I MEAN,
I'M A GOOD-LOOKING GUY.
- HE'S NOT GOOD-LOOKING,
BUT HE'S NOT BAD, I GUESS.
- I'M HILARIOUS.
- HE'S NOT FUNNY,
BUT HE'S NOT NOT FUNNY.
- I'VE GOT A JOB.
- HIS JOB SUCKS ASS.
[chuckles]
- SO WHY CAN'T I HAVE
ONE OF THESE GIRLS?
- OH, JUSTIN, OKAY.
I'LL PLAY ALONG
WITH YOUR LITTLE GAME.
HIM AND I ARE GONNA BE THE LEADS
IN THIS FAKE MOVIE.
BUT NOW WE NEED A CREW.
OCEAN'S ELEVEN STYLE.
- I LOVE HOW JUSTIN MAKES
AN OCEAN'S ELEVEN REFERENCE.
LIKE GEORGE CLOONEY.
WELL, NEWS FLASH, J BONE.
YOU'RE NO CLOONEY.
[chuckles]
BUT I COULD SEE:
HOW HE'D THINK
[camera shutter clicks]
[upbeat pop punk music]
- WE'RE LIVING HERE
IN HOLLYWOOD:
UNDER THE SKIES OF BLUE
- THESE GUYS:
ALSO BRILLIANT.
- WHAT'S UP, BIOTCHES?
- HELL YEAH, IT IS!
ROSS, WE GOT COMPANY.
- AND A CAMERA?
- AND A CAMERA.
- WHAT'S UP, FELLAS?
- YO.
- HEY, BUDDY.
- SO APPARENTLY,
OUR LIVES ARE ABOUT TO CHANGE.
- OKAY.
- GET THIS.
I WANT TO HOLD A FAKE AUDITION
FOR A FAKE MOVIE
SO THAT WE CAN MEET AND CAS A LOT OF HOT B*TCHES.
- I F***ING LOVE IT.
- I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL
ABOUT IT.
- THAT'S BECAUSE YOU THINK
LIKE THE REST OF US.
- THAT'S WHERE YOU GUYS
WOULD COME IN.
YOU'D BE THE WRITERS.
- OF THE FAKE MOVIE?
- EXACTLY.
- GENIUS!
- I KNOW, RIGHT?
- SO YOU WANT US TO WRITE
A FAKE SCRIPT?
- WELL, NOT AN ENTIRE SCRIPT.
I DON'T NEED A WHOLE SCREENPLAY,
JUST AN IDEA:
AND THEN A FEW SCENES
WE CAN USE:
DURING A CASTING SESSION.
ROSS AND AUSTIN,
ALSO KNOWN AS ROSTIN,
JUST GOT DONE WRITING A BOMB-ASS
VAMPIRE WEB SERIES.
THESE GUYS WRITE HOT GIRL PARTS
BETTER THAN ANYONE
I'VE EVER KNOWN.
- YOU DON'T KNOW
ANY OTHER WRITERS, DO YOU?
- AW, THANKS, BROSKI.
- ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S I SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT?
- IT'S UP TO YOU.
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
YOU'RE ESSENTIALLY THE BRAINS
BEHIND THIS FAKE PROJECT.
A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS,
LIKE, FOUR OR FIVE,
BASICALLY ONE FOR EACH OF US.
IN DETAIL:
OF OUR DREAMS.
- DO WE GET AN IMDB CREDI FOR WRITING A FAKE MOVIE?
- THIS IS F***ING PHENOMENAL.
EACH ONE OF US WILL,
IN GREAT DETAIL,
WRITE OUT AN AUDITION NOTICE
FOR OUR "PERFECT GIRL."
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"Casting Couch" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2025. Web. 16 Mar. 2025. <https://www.scripts.com/script/casting_couch_5171>.
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