Casting Couch Page #2

- IT'S GOT TO BE

A HORROR FILM.

- YES, HORROR FILMS LOVE SLUTS.

- AND THERE'S GOT TO BE

A BIG GROUP OF GIRLS.

- OOH, AND THEY GET LOS

WHILE THEY'RE CAMPING

IN THE WOODS.

- NO, NOT OUT IN THE WOODS.

- MUD WRESTLING TOURNAMENT.

- BE REALISTIC.

- WHAT?

THIS ISN'T A REAL MOVIE.

SLUMBER PARTY.

- JACKPOT.

- BAM.

- THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.

- YEAH, I COULD STAR IN THAT.

- FIVE GIRLS

HAVING A SLUMBER PARTY

ALL GET BRUTALLY MURDERED

IN A HOUSE OVERNIGHT.

- NOT BAD.

- CHASE AND I PLAY TWO

OF THEIR BOYFRIENDS.

WE SHOW UP AND SAVE THE DAY.

- I'M GONNA WRITE IN

MY PERFECT GIRL.

- AND I'LL FINALLY WRITE MINE.

- AND WE'RE GONNA WRITE IN

ONE MORE GIRL,

BECAUSE WE'RE GONNA NEED

A HAPPY PRODUCER.

- I'VE NEVER PRODUCED ANYTHING.

- BUT YOU'RE GOOD WITH MONEY.

- BUT THIS ISN'T A REAL MOVIE.

- BUT IT IS A REAL DOCUMENTARY.

- YEAH, I NOTICED THE CAMERA.

WHAT'S UP, NEWT?

- HEY, BEN.

- FOCUS.

- I'M LISTENING.

- ROSS AND AUSTIN

ARE WRITING SCENES

FOR THE FAKE MOVIE.

IT'S CALLED

THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.

- YEAH, I GET IT.

- SO YOU'RE IN?

- NO.

AND I DON'T THINK GIRLS

WILL BE, EITHER.

- OF COURSE THERE WILL BE.

THIS IS L.A.

THERE'S TONS OF SEXY HOPEFULS

OUT THERE.

- CREATING A FAKE MOVIE

IS NOT GONNA MAKE GIRLS

WANT TO DATE YOU.

- HAVE YOU EVER TRIED?

- HE HAD A POINT.

YOU HAVE A POINT.

- YOU SEE?

- BUT WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO

WHEN THEY FIND OU THAT THERE'S NO REAL MOVIE?

- I DON'T KNOW.

STRETCH IT OU AS LONG AS WE CAN.

- HOW LONG IS THAT?

- LONG ENOUGH

FOR A KICKOFF PARTY

AND A TABLE READ.

- HOW DO YOU HAVE A TABLE READ

WITHOUT A SCRIPT?

- MAYBE THAT'S WHERE

IT'LL ALL END, THEN,

AT THE TABLE READ.

WE'LL TELL THEM THE TRUTH.

- IT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA.

- BUT THE GIRLS

WILL STILL BE HAPPY.

- WHY THE HELL

WOULD THEY STILL BE HAPPY?

- BECAUSE, OBVIOUSLY,

THEY WERE ALL ACTRESSES

IN THIS DOCUMENTARY.

- GIRLS AREN'T GONNA GO

FOR THIS.

HE'LL PROBABLY GET SUED.

I'M IN.

- PRAISE JESUS.

I'VE KNOWN BEN

SINCE KINDERGARTEN.

THE FIRST TIME I FINGERED A GIRL

WAS AT HIS:

EIGHTH GRADE BIRTHDAY PARTY.

HE'S A COOL GUY,

BUT HE'S NEVER HAD MUCH LUCK

WITH THE LADIES.

IT'S BECAUSE HE'S ANAL,

AND HE USED TO BE

AN ADVERTISING DORK.

BUT NOW THAT HE'S LAID OFF,

HE SHOULD BE A MOVIE PRODUCER.

I BET HIS RATIO OF P*SSY

TO PUSSYLESS NIGHTS

WOULD CHANGE DRASTICALLY.

- BUT WE'RE GONNA MAKE

ALL THE GIRLS SIGN SOMETHING.

- HE'S A SMART GUY.

I KNEW HE WAS A NO-BRAINER.

LIKE WHAT?

- I DON'T KNOW.

SOME KIND OF RELEASE FORM.

YOU CAN'T PUT GIRLS

IN A DOCUMENTARY

WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT.

AND YOU CAN'T PUT ME

IN IT, EITHER.

clang!

[funky rock music]

- HE'S SUPER SUCCESSFUL.

HE OWNS A COMPANY.

- WHAT KIND OF COMPANY?

- I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT KIND OF COMPANY?

- I DON'T KNOW,

BUT HE'S GOT THE BEST POT.

- FANTASTIC.

- BUT HE HAS PRODUCED

A MOVIE BEFORE, RIGHT?

- YEAH, AND THE LADIES LOVE HIM.

- FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE

- OH, WHY, THANK YOU, BAMBI.

- SURE THING, BIG J.

[smooches]

- AIN'T SHE A PEACH?

- SHE'S NOT UGLY.

- AND IF YOU LIKE BRUNETTES...

HEY, ARIEL!

SAY HI TO THE BOYS.

- HI, BOYS.

boing!

- I WONDER IF JOHNSON

NEEDS A POOL BOY.

- A FAKE CASTING SESSION, HUH?

YEAH, THAT SOUNDS

LIKE A FUN IDEA.

- SO YOU'RE IN?

- [laughing]

WHOA.

I DON'T NEED

ANY MORE HOT CHICKS.

- HE DOESN'T.

EVERYONE THAT KNOWS JOHNSON

LOVES JOHNSON,

AND JOHNSON KNOWS

A LOT OF PEOPLE.

HE'S KIND OF LIKE

THE HUGH HEFNER OF THE 818.

- SO WHAT DO YOU NEED FROM ME

AS THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER?

- JUST YOUR NAME.

- AND MAYBE YOUR PLACE

FOR A KILLER KICKOFF PARTY.

- THAT KID WAS SO PATHETIC.

I JUST COULDN'T TELL HIM NO.

PLUS I LIKE CHASE.

HE'S MY BOY.

AND HE HELPED ME

MAKE A LOT OF MONEY TOO.

- YOU ROCK, DUDE.

- I KNOW.

I'M BEST AT PRODUCING SMILES.

[hip-hop music]

- WE'VE GOT ALMOST EVERYONE

WE NEED.

- BUT WE STILL NEED

TO FIGURE OUT SOME LOGISTICS.

- LIKE WHAT?

- LIKE WHERE ARE WE GONNA SHOO MOST OF THIS,

WHERE ARE WE GONNA

HOLD AUDITIONS,

WHO'S GONNA DIRECT IT?

- OH, YEAH.

WE TOTALLY NEED A DIRECTOR.

- CAN NEWT JUST DIRECT IT?

- I DON'T KNOW.

CAN YOU, NEWT?

- I'D RATHER NOT.

- YOU KNOW ANY GOOD DIRECTORS?

- [chuckles]

NOT GOOD DIRECTORS.

- YEAH, YOU SHOULD SEE

SOME OF HIS MOVIES.

- WHAT?

I GOT SOME AWESOME FANS.

- FOR SOME REASON, CHASE

FORWARDS ME HIS FAN E-MAILS.

THEY'RE USUALLY FROM DUDES

OR INDIANS,

NOT THE FEATHER KIND,

THE ONES WITH DOTS.

- AND YOU'VE NEVER WORKED

AS AN ACTOR IN THIS TOWN,

SO YOU DON'T KNOW ANY DIRECTORS.

- ACTUALLY, I DID THIS ONE PLAY.

- OH, YEAH.

THAT WAS REALLY FUNNY.

- THE DIRECTOR, PARKER,

HE'S KIND OF CRAZY.

- CRAZY GOOD LIKE AN ARTIS OR CRAZY BAD?

- CRAZY LIKE

HE YELLED IN MY FACE.

- WHAT'D HE SAY?

- "YOU'RE FIRED."

- YEAH, HE FIRED ME.

- OH, SO THIS GUY MIGHT ACTUALLY

KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.

- EVERY NOW AND THEN,

BEN'S A REAL DICK.

I MEAN, I GUESS

WE COULD ASK HIM.

HE IS SCARY AND MOODY, THOUGH,

BUT HE DOES HAVE A NICE THEATER.

I THINK HE LIVES THERE.

- PERFECT.

- ALL RIGHT, GUYS, WELL,

I GOT TO BOUNCE.

I GOT LUNCH WITH RIHANNA,

SO PEACE.

- IS THAT TRUE?

- WHO KNOWS?

WELL, LET'S HEAD OVER

TO THE THEATER AND ASK HIM.

- WHEN HE SEES THE SWARM

OF ATTRACTIVE WOMEN

HE'LL GET TO DIRECT,

I'M SURE HE'LL DO IT.

- NO F***ING WAY.

- WHY NOT?

- BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL,

I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOU.

- ALL I DID WAS IMPROV

ONE EXTRA LINE.

- AND IT RUINED THE PERFEC COMEDIC TIMING

THAT I HAD MASTERMINDED.

- I'M SORRY.

- THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY.

AND SECONDLY,

I DON'T EVEN LIKE WOMEN.

- YOU DON'T?

- YOU DON'T?

- NO, THEY'RE ANNOYING,

AND THEY DON'T HAVE A PENIS.

- WOW.

I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE GAY.

- NO ONE KNOWS.

I'M COOL LIKE THAT.

- WHAT IF WE ADDED

A GAY CHARACTER?

- WE CAN'T DO THAT.

- WHY NOT?

- YEAH, WHY NOT?

- I MEAN, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE

ABOUT A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS

GETTING SLAUGHTERED

AT A SLUMBER PARTY.

- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU

MAKE THE KILLER A GAY GUY?

- I GUESS WE COULD TALK

TO ROSTIN ABOUT IT.

- AND I WANT TO KISS

A BUNCH OF STRAIGHT GUYS

AT THESE FAKE AUDITIONS.

- WE HAVEN'T EXACTLY IRONED OU ALL THE DETAILS YET.

- AND I WANT AN ASSISTANT.

I REMEMBER JUSTIN

HAD A REALLY CUTE FRIEND

THAT CAME TO SEE HIS PLAY

LAST YEAR,

GOT WASTED WITH US AFTER.

- ASSISTANT?

- YES.

I WANT A PERSONAL ASSISTANT.

- YOU KNOW THIS ISN' A REAL MOVIE

YOU'RE DIRECTING, RIGHT?

- DO YOU WANT TO USE MY NAME,

MY CREDITS, MY THEATER?

- YEAH.

- THEN OBEY MY COMMANDS.

THAT'S HOW I DO IT.

WHO WAS YOUR FRIEND

THAT CAME OUT WITH US

AFTER OPENING NIGHT?

HE WAS AN ASSISTANT DIRECTOR

IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY.

WHAT WAS HIS NAME?

- RYAN?

- RYAN.

THAT'S IT.

BINGO.

- SO IF WE GET YOU

A MALE CHARACTER

AND RYAN COMES ON BOARD

AS YOUR ASSISTANT DIRECTOR--

- PERSONAL ASSISTANT.

- WHATEVER.

YOU'LL COME ON BOARD?

- I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

- SO YOU WANT ME

TO BE THE ASSISTANT DIRECTOR

OF A FILM:

THAT YOU'RE NOT REALLY MAKING.

- PRECISELY.

- COOL.

I'M DOWN.

- HEY, BOYS.

I DON'T THINK WE'VE MET.

- HEY, I'M BEN.

- COOL.

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