Casting Couch Page #3

I'M KATIE.

- NICE TO MEET YOU.

- SO WHAT YOU GUYS DOING?

- WE'RE MAKING A MOVIE.

- YAY!

CAN I BE IN IT?

- OH, IT'S NOT A REAL MOVIE.

- WELL, NOT EXACTLY.

- THEN I HAD

THIS BRILLIANT THOUGHT.

- BEN ALWAYS THINKS

HIS THOUGHTS ARE BRILLIANT.

- WHAT IF WE BROUGHT KATIE

ON BOARD TOO,

YOU KNOW, FOR SAFEKEEPING?

- SAFEKEEPING?

- AS PRODUCER,

I'M ALWAYS LOOKING OU FOR OUR BEST INTERESTS,

AND WE DO RUN THE RISK

OF INSULTING THE FEMININE RACE,

SO HAVING A FEMALE ON BOARD

WOULD CERTAINLY LESSEN THE BLOW.

- SOMETIMES HE IS ACTUALLY

KIND OF SMART.

- SHE COULD BE

OUR BRIDGE KEEPER,

A GATEWAY, IF YOU WILL,

TO THE OTHER WORLD

WE KNOW AS WOMEN.

- I LIKE IT.

- I LOVE IT.

DO YOU GUYS HAVE

A CASTING DIRECTOR YET?

both:
WE DO NOW!

[upbeat rock music]

- WE'RE A FEW SHORT OF 11,

BUT PRETTY SOLID CREW,

IF I DON'T SAY SO MYSELF.

- I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TANNING.

- AND THE FAKE LITTLE MOVIE

SPROUTED LEGS.

- F*** YEAH, IT HAS!

- IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD.

- WE'RE NOT REALLY CAPABLE

OF WRITING UTTER SH*T.

- IT ALL CENTERS

AROUND FIVE GIRLS...

- HOT SLUTS.

- WHO ARE ENJOYING

A SLUMBER PARTY...

- UNTIL A MONSTER COMES ALONG

AND RIPS:

THEIR F***ING HEADS OFF!

- EH, SOMETHING ALONG

THOSE LINES.

- I THOUGH I WAS PLAYING THE LEAD.

- IT'S NOT A REAL MOVIE.

HAS ANYONE TOLD CHASE YET?

- BUT I'M IN IT, RIGHT?

- SO WE ADDED CHASE LOCKWOOD IN

AS THE LEAD GIRL'S BOYFRIEND.

HE COMES IN AND SAVES THE DAY!

- CAN I HAVE BRASS KNUCKLES?

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ONE OF THE

FAKE ACTORS IN THE FAKE MOVIE.

- AND JUSTIN WAS BEING SUCH

A LITTLE B*TCH ABOUT EVERYTHING,

SO WE TOLD HIM HE COULD PLAY

CHASE'S BEST FRIEND.

- WE SHOULD BE BROTHERS.

- NOPE.

- VAMPIRES?

- NOPE.

- SUPERMODELS?

- SHUT THE F*** UP, JUSTIN.

- OKAY.

WHAT ABOUT THE GAY CHARACTER?

I FORGOT TO TELL THEM

WE NEED TO WRITE IN

A GAY CHARACTER FOR PARKER.

- I DON'T WRITE HOMOS...

ANYMORE.

- WE DON'T HAVE A CHOICE

AT THIS POINT.

- SO I AGREED.

THE FIERCE MONSTER

TURNED INTO A FIERCE GAY GUY.

- MOTIVE, GUYS?

- ONE OF THE GIRLS

SAW HER BOYFRIEND

KISSING ANOTHER GUY,

AND THAT MADE HER REALLY UPSET.

- SO UPSET THAT SHE HAD

TO HAVE A SLEEPOVER

WITH ALL OF HER BEST FRIENDS

AND ONLY WEAR LINGERIE.

- AND SINCE THE BOYFRIEND

WASN'T READY

TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSE JUST YET,

HE OBVIOUSLY HAD TO KILL

ALL OF THE GIRLS

BEFORE HIS SECRE SPREAD TOO FAR.

- SO MY CHARACTER GETS KILLED

BY AN ANGRY GAY GUY?

both:
YES.

- F***.

- LONG LIVE

THE ANGRY GAY GUY!

I'M IN.

[upbeat rock music]

- IT'S TOO LATE

TO TURN BACK NOW

SO TURN IT UP,

AND MAKE IT LOUD

IT'S THE CROWD

IF YOU LET THEM SEE

IT'S NOT FOR YOU

OR YOU OR YOU:

IT'S FOR ME

IT'S FOR ME

IT'S FOR ME

IT'S FOR ME

IT'S TOO LATE

TO TURN BACK NOW

- HERE'S WHERE THE FUN BEGINS.

SO THE NAME OF THE MOVIE

IS THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.

- SOUNDS LIKE A BUNCH OF GIRLS

ON THEIR PERIOD.

- OKAY.

AND I NEED EACH ONE OF YOU GUYS

TO SEND ME:

A DETAILED DESCRIPTION

OF THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS.

THAT WAY,

WE CAN SEND IT TO KATIE

AND GET A LITTLE

CASTING NOTICE UP.

- BIG TITS.

- I SECOND THAT.

- [scoffs]

GREAT, GUYS.

- GROSS.

THE ONLY THING TATAS DO FOR ME

IS REMIND ME:

OF WHEN I DRANK:

MY MOTHER'S MILK.

- SERIOUSLY, GUYS.

THERE'S FIVE GIRLS

BEING CAST, RIGHT?

- YES.

- RIGHT.

- SO THAT'S ONE FOR EACH OF US,

AND THEY CAN LOOK LIKE

AND BE LIKE WHATEVER WE WANT.

- YES, PARKER?

- AND AS I UNDERSTAND IT,

THERE'S TO BE ONE BOY?

- TWO, ACTUALLY.

- WHY TWO?

- WELL, IF WE'RE GONNA HAVE

TWO DUDES KISS,

WE'VE GOT TO CAST THEM BOTH.

- NO, NO, THAT'S OKAY.

WE CAN JUST CAST THE ONE.

I'LL MAKE A CAMEO APPEARANCE.

- WHY IS THAT PARKER GUY

ALWAYS STARING AT ME?

- GUYS, FOCUS.

I KNOW THIS PLAN WILL WORK,

BUT IF WE'RE GONNA GET LAID,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE

THIS CASTING NOTICE SERIOUSLY.

- SO ONE BY ONE,

THE BOYS DESCRIBED TO ME

THEIR PERFECT GIRL.

- AHEM.

- AND BOY.

- A GOOD GIRL-NEXT-DOOR TYPE,

PREFERABLY BRUNETTE,

GOOD SMILE,

GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR,

AND A LITTLE QUIRKY,

HAS B*OBS,

AND ISN'T CRAZY.

- YOU KNOW, BLONDE OR BRUNETTE,

DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.

SHE HAS TO BE A BOMBSHELL,

THOUGH, OBVIOUSLY,

AND SHE HAS TO TOLERATE THIS KID

THAT'S IN A MAN'S BODY.

OH, AND SHE HAS TO LIKE

ANAL PLAY.

- BRUNETTE.

PETITE.

SLENDER TO MILDLY ATHLETIC.

GORGEOUS FACE.

GREAT SMILE.

SWEET ASS.

SMALL BUT WITH SOME POP.

IT JUST SHOULD FIT PERFECTLY

IN MY HAND.

I'M AN ASS GUY.

LOVE ASS.

NOT SO MUCH FOR TITS,

BUT ASS.

- I WANT TO DATE

THE PERFECT BLONDE,

THE KIND WHOSE LOOKS AND SMILES

LIGHTS UP A ROOM,

ABOUT 5'2" TO 5'7"

WITH LOTS OF POSITIVE ENERGY.

TOTALLY COOL, THOUGH,

IF SHE HAS DADDY ISSUES

OR IS A LITTLE UNSTABLE.

MAKES HER EASIER TO MANIPULATE.

- [sighs]

THE PERFECT GUY.

SO TOUGH TO DESCRIBE.

PREPPY TO JOCKISH.

AROUND 25.

MUSCULAR.

NO, NO, NOT MUSCULAR.

WELL-TONED.

JUST NOT CHUNKY.

F*** CHUNKY.

- I BET I ALREADY KNOW

WHAT CHASE WILL SAY.

IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME.

- I LIKE A CHICK WHO'S...

- BLOND...

- BLOND...

- NICE LIPS...

- SEXY LIPS...

- TAN...

- FAKE TAN.

WELL, IT DOESN' HAVE TO BE FAKE.

JUST TAN, I GUESS.

- AND BIG B*OBS.

- AND BIG, BEAUTIFUL

F***ING TITTIES.

- WELL, THAT WAS AN EXPERIENCE.

- OKAY, MAYBE THIS

IS AN OUTSIDE OPINION,

BUT DID YOU GUYS EVER THINK

THAT DOING ALL THIS

COULD BE, UM,

WRONG?

OKAY, THEN.

- WELL, I'D BE FLATTERED

IF I WERE CHOSEN.

- THANK YOU, KATIE.

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

- UH, I DID NOTICE

ONE POSSIBLE LITTLE PROBLEM

THAT WE MIGHT BE FACING, THOUGH.

- WHAT?

- WELL, NOBODY DESCRIBED

A, UM--UM--

- A WHAT?

- AN ETHNIC GIRL.

- YOU'VE GOT TO BE

F***ING KIDDING ME.

- HE'S GOT A GOOD ARGUMENT.

- BUT WHY DOES IT EVEN MATTER?

- WELL, WE DON'T WANT PEOPLE

TO THINK WE'RE RACIST.

- WHO'S GONNA THINK THAT?

- I DON'T KNOW.

ANYONE WHO LOOKS

AT THE CASTING NOTICE

OR DISTRIBUTORS ONE DAY.

I MEAN, WE ARE PLANNING

TO MARKET AND SELL THIS

AS A DOCUMENTARY EVENTUALLY,

RIGHT?

- HE HAS A POINT.

- THANK YOU, NEWT.

- NO, SHUT UP, NEWT!

JUST HOLD THE CAMERA,

AND HOLD THE RED BUTTON

WHEN I TELL YOU TO!

- SOMETIMES I THINK

JUSTIN FORGETS:

WHO'S HOLDING THE CAMERA.

- I SEE WHERE

YOU'RE COMING FROM,

BUT THIS PROJECT IS ABOUT US

GETTING EXACTLY WHAT WE WANT.

I DON'T THINK WE NEED TO WORRY

ABOUT CATERING:

TO ALL DIFFERENT COLORS

AND KINDS OF PEOPLE.

I MEAN, UNLESS ONE OF YOU GUYS

WANTS TO PICK SOMEONE

WHO ISN'T WHITE.

- YEAH.

SURE, WHY NOT?

I'LL BITE THE BULLET.

- WELL, THAT'S CERTAINLY

KIND OF YOU.

BITE THE BULLET?

WE'RE TRYING TO BE

AS POLITICALLY CORREC

AND CONSIDERATE AS POSSIBLE

IN THIS PROJECT.

- I'VE ALWAYS WANTED

TO BANG AN ASIAN CHICK.

- AND MARK ME DOWN

FOR OPEN ETHNICITY.

- OKAY, SO IT'S SETTLED.

KATIE, YOU HAVE ALL THE NOTES?

- RIGHT HERE.

- PERFECT.

TONIGHT YOU, ME, AND BEN

WILL POST THE CASTING NOTICE

ON THE BREAKDOWN SITE.

PROBABLY CAN GE OVER 1,000 SUBMISSIONS.

- MAYBE 1 MILLION.

- DOUBTFUL.

- YOU GONNA SAY I'M STARRING

IN THIS THING, RIGHT?

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