Casting Couch Page #4

- YES, SIR.

- MILLI.

- WE'LL CALL IN ALL THE GIRLS

THAT ARE SEVEN AND ABOVE.

AUDITIONS WILL BE NEXT WEEK.

ANY FINAL QUESTIONS?

- BUT WE'RE NOT ACTUALLY

GONNA MAKE THE MOVIE, RIGHT?

- LET'S MEET TONIGH IF YOU WANT TO

YOU BRING THE GIRLS

I'LL BRING MY CREW

YEAH, YEAH

WE'LL GET IT FEELING RIGHT

[upbeat pop punk music]

ROCK ME TONIGH IF YOU FEEL SO

NO INHIBITIONS,

JUST LET GO:

YEAH:

- YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD PUT ME

AS A PRODUCER AS WELL.

- WHY?

- BECAUSE IT'S POWER.

BE A LOT EASIER:

FOR ME TO GET LAID

IF I'M A PRODUCER AND NOT JUS AN ACTOR WITH A SAY IN CASTING.

- BUT I THOUGHT I WAS

SUPPOSED TO BE THE PRODUCER.

- WE COULD BOTH BE PRODUCERS.

- OKAY, WHICH ONE IS IT,

ONE OR TWO?

- TWO.

- WAIT.

- WHAT?

- HOW ABOUT IF I'M THE PRODUCER

AND YOU'RE, LIKE,

A COPRODUCER?

- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

- I'VE BEEN DOING MY HOMEWORK

AND RESEARCHING:

A VARIETY OF JOB TITLES

IN THIS INDUSTRY,

AND I FOUND THAT PRODUCER

IS SORT OF LIKE A HEAD HONCHO.

I USED TO THINK:

IT WAS THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER,

BUT THAT'S MORE OF A MONEY GUY,

AND COPRODUCER:

IS CERTAINLY A STEP BELOW.

I WANT TO BE:

THE ONLY PRODUCER ON THIS THING

IF I'M ACTUALLY

GONNA PRODUCE IT.

IT'S A POWER AND CONTROL

KIND OF THING.

I'M GOOD AT HAVING BOTH.

- FINE.

MAKE ME COPRODUCER.

- THANK YOU.

- YOU'RE SUCH

A RETARD SOMETIMES.

- OKAY, AND JOHNSON

IS EXEC, RIGHT?

- YES.

- OKAY.

NOW WE'RE INTO THE STORY

AND THE CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS.

- HEY, HEY

BABY, I KNOW

YOU WANT TO PARTY NOW

WE GOT IT GOING,

CAN'T SHUT US DOWN

I'M GONNA MAKE YOU SAY,

"OOH, BABY, I LIKE IT," YEAH

BABY, I KNOW YOU WAN TO PARTY NOW

- OKAY, GUYS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M A LITTLE OFFENDED.

I MEAN, YOU HAVE TWO BLONDES

AND TWO BRUNETTES,

NO REDHEADS.

- OH, NO.

NOT THE ETHNIC CARD AGAIN.

- OH, I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU.

BUT YOU KNOW, IT MIGHT BE GOOD

NOT TO HAVE, LIKE, TWO BLONDES.

I MEAN, A LITTLE DIVERSITY

IS ALWAYS NICE.

- YOU WANT TO GIVE UP

YOUR BLONDE?

- F*** NO.

- MAYBE CHASE WILL.

- HEY, CHASE, YOU WANT TO DATE

A REDHEAD INSTEAD?

- UH, YEAH, SURE.

WHATEVER.

- I FIGURE WHEN

IT COMES DOWN TO IT,

HE DOESN'T REALLY CARE.

- REDHEAD, BLONDE,

I DON'T REALLY CARE.

BESIDES, IF I LIKE

JUSTIN'S BLONDE CHICK BETTER,

I'M JUST GONNA STEAL HER

FROM HIM ANYWAYS.

- AND THAT SHOULD DO IT.

- HEY, HOW COME

I DON'T GET A GIRL?

- YOU NEVER SAID YOU WANTED ONE.

- WHY WOULDN'T I?

- WE CAN ADD IN

ONE MORE CHARACTER, CAN'T WE?

- I DON'T THINK SO.

THEN ROSS AND AUSTIN WOULD

HAVE TO CHANGE THE WHOLE STORY.

- BUT IT'S NOT A REAL STORY.

- WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS?

WE COULD ADD IN ONE MORE GIRL

BUT NOT ACTUALLY CAST HER.

COOL?

- I GUESS.

- OKAY, NEWT, WHAT DO YOU LIKE?

- BIG-BOTTOM GIRLS.

- REALLY?

- REALLY?

- YEAH.

- IT'S TRUE.

- I WON'T ASK.

AND OFF IT GOES.

- AND SO IT BEGINS.

[bombastic drum music]

- WELL, THAT WAS A NIGHTMARE.

- THAT WAS SOME FUN SH*T.

- I JUST SPENT THE LAST WEEK

IN A ROOM FULL OF BOYS

LOOKING AT LITERALLY THOUSANDS

OF FEMALE PICTURES AND RESUMES.

- I THINK I COULD

GET INTO CASTING.

- BUT INSTEAD OF CALLING IN

- I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE

CALLED IN AT LEAST 100.

- I HELPED THEM NARROW IT DOWN

TO JUST THE CREAM OF THE CROP

SO WE COULD ACTUALLY

GET THROUGH THESE AUDITIONS.

- AND I'M ONLY LETTING THEM

USE THE THEATER FOR ONE DAY.

[drum cadence]

- YOU BOYS READY?

- BRING THEM IN.

- LOT OF ANTICIPATION

FOR TODAY.

WE GOT TO ORGANIZE

TO RUN LIKE CLOCKWORK.

- SO WE'RE STARTING WITH ME.

MY GIRLS ARE COMING IN

TO READ FOR THE ROLE OF "ABBY,"

THE ULTRA-SLUTTY

HOT ASIAN WHORE.

OH, YEAH.

[clicks tongue]

- GUYS, UP FIRST,

THIS IS AMBER.

all:
HI, AMBER.

- HI.

- I'LL BE READING WITH YOU,

SO WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.

- OKAY.

I BROUGHT A SURPRISE FOR JENNY.

- WHAT?

- A WHOLE BAG OF D*LDOS!

- NO ONE SAID THE SCRIP WAS AWARD-WORTHY.

- WHAT?

WHY?

THIS ISN'T A BACHELORETTE PARTY.

- WELL, SHE NEEDS

TO GET HER MIND OFF IT SOMEHOW.

- WE WEREN'T SHOOTING

FOR AN OSCAR HERE.

- TRUST ME, RACHEL.

ONCE YOU TURN THIS THING ON

AND STICK IT UP YOUR VAG,

YOU'LL BE HOOKED.

- SHE WAS CUTE.

I'D F*** HER BUT ONLY

IF SHE CAME INTO MY ROOM

AND I DIDN' HAVE TO WORK FOR IT.

- SHE WASN'T BAD.

- YOU CAN HAVE HER, THEN.

- HI, EVERYBODY.

[whistles blowing,

cow bell dings]

[baby coos]

- NOW WE'RE TALKING.

- WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.

YOU'LL BE READING WITH ME.

- WHO WROTE THIS?

- I DID. I DID.

- WE DID, ACTUALLY.

- IT IS SO GOOD.

YOU GUYS ARE SO AWESOME.

- WELL, I TRIED.

- WE TRIED.

- WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.

- SHE WAS GOOD

AT STROKING THE EGO.

I WONDER IF SHE WAS GOOD

AT STROKING AT STROKING MY...

- WHOLE BAG OF D*LDOS?

[gasps]

- I'M GONNA GUESS YES.

- O.M.G.

YOU HAVEN'T HEARD?

- HEARD WHAT?

- HER BOYFRIEND IS, LIKE,

[whispering] GAY.

- SHUT UP.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

- SHE TOLD ME SHE SAW HIM KISS

ANOTHER GUY.

THAT'S WHY LOLA IS, LIKE,

THROWING HER THIS SLUMBER PARTY.

SHE IS SO UPSET.

- THAT'S AWFUL.

- I KNOW, RIGHT?

BUT THESE LITTLE BAD BOYS

WILL DO THE TRICK.

- THANKS.

WE'LL LET YOU KNOW.

- NO.

THANK YOU.

- SHE DESERVES AN AWARD...

- FOR THE BEST CLEAVAGE EVER.

- SHE MADE ME WANT TO VOMIT.

- DOES IT MATTER

THAT SHE CAN'T ACT?

- DOES IT MATTER?

IF SHE LOOKS LIKE THAT,

SHE CAN ACT HOWEVER SHE WANTS.

- WE AREN'T CASTING

FOR THEIR TALENT.

- NEXT, PLEASE.

- GUYS, THIS IS CANDACE.

- CANDACE SCHMANDACE.

SHE WAS TOO EAGER.

- HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?

- STOP BEING PATHETIC.

- NO, YOU HAVE

A WONDERFUL DAY.

[giggles]

- AND THEN CAME THE TRIPPER.

- OOPS.

[chuckles]

SORRY.

- NOTHING IS MORE ATTRACTIVE

THAN A GIRL:

WHO CAN'T WALK GOOD...

- OR A GUY WHO CAN'T SPEAK WELL.

- I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

[laughs]

GUESS I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.

- YOU THINK?

NEXT.

- A WHOLE BAG OF D*LDOS.

- A WHOLE BAG OF D*LDOS.

- A WHOLE BAG OF D*LDOS.

- WELL, WASN'T THAT LOVELY?

I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE A FEW

OF THOSE HEAD SHOTS HOME

WITH ME TONIGHT.

- THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST DAY

OF MY LIFE.

- IT'S MY TURN.

PRESSURE'S ON.

LOOK, HERE'S THE THING.

MY PERFECT GIRL PROBABLY

WOULDN'T EVEN BE AN ACTRESS,

AND IF SHE WAS, SHE'D

CONSIDER HERSELF AN ARTIST,

NOT AN ACTRESS.

- I THINK ROSS MIGHT BE GAY.

- I'M SURE LOTS OF GUYS SAY IT,

BUT BRAINS REALLY ARE JUS AS IMPORTANT TO ME AS BEAUTY.

- HI.

I'M BELLA MICHAELS.

- ME LIKEY.

- OH, BOY.

NOW I GET TO READ

THE OTHER ROLE.

A WHOLE BAG OF D*LDOS.

- WHAT?

WHY?

THIS IS NO A BACHELORETTE PARTY.

- SHE NEEDS TO GET HER MIND

OFF IT SOMEHOW.

- OFF WHAT?

- ME GUSTA.

- I'VE NEVER USED ONE BEFORE.

- SERIOUSLY?

- YEAH.

THEY FRIGHTEN ME.

- [whispering]

I'LL PROTECT YOU.

- THAT'S AWFUL.

- THIS IS HARD.

SO IS THAT.

- THANKS SO MUCH, GUYS.

- WOW.

I MEAN, WHOA.

THEY WERE ALL REALLY GOOD.

- SERIOUSLY?

- YEAH.

YOU GUYS DIDN'T THINK SO?

- YOU CAN'T FALL FOR EVERY GIRL

THAT WALKS INTO THE ROOM TODAY.

- WHO'S FALLING?

I'M JUST COMMENTING.

- NO, I KNOW EXACTLY

WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

STEP IT UP A NOTCH, B*TCH.

THIS IS THE TIME

TO BE EXTRA CRITICAL.

- I AM.

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