Casting Couch
[rumbling]
- HI, I'M LINDSAY GRIFFIN.
- I'M CHELSEA MORGAN.
- KRISTIN FOX.
- TAYLOR HAWKINS.
- I'M KIMMY.
- ALEX TAYLOR.
- HI.
- I'M JUSTIN,
BUT SOME PEOPLE:
CALL ME BRILLIANT.
- AMERICA
THAT DON'T YET,
YOU WILL.
- BE ANYONE,
TELL NO ONE:
GET LAID:
- TODAY'S THE DAY
THAT I OFFICIALLY REALIZED
YES, I'M HUNG OVER.
YES, LAST NIGHT WAS MY BIRTHDAY.
AND YES, I WOKE UP ALONE AGAIN.
COME SAY HI, NEWT.
- UH, HI.
GO AHEAD, NEWT.
ASK ME WHY.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE I WON'T GET THE PART.
AND HONESTLY,
IN THIS SHITTY, LOW-BUDGE INDEPENDENT MOVIE
F***ING WANNABE ACTORS.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY WANT?
GO AHEAD, NEWT.
ASK ME.
REALLY WANT, JUSTIN?
BY A RIDICULOUSLY HOT CHICK.
WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
HE WANTS TO SHOO SOME KIND OF DOCUMENTARY.
AND A CHIPOTLE BURRITO
- WHAT, DON'T AC LIKE YOU'RE ALL COOL.
YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED.
[dubious guitar chords]
THESE HOLLYWOOD HOTTIES
THEY WANT SOMEONE
[angelic choral singing]
THIS DOCUMENTARY IS
WHO HOLD A FAKE CASTING SESSION
FOR A FAKE MOVIE
FOR REAL.
COME ON, NEWT.
[music playing]
HEY, ROOMIE.
- GET OUT.
- HE'S LIKE A KITTEN
IN THE MORNING.
I NEED YOU GET OVER JORDAN, MAN.
- I'M OVER HER.
- WELL, IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE IT.
- MY ROOMMATE?
CHASE LOCKWOOD?
AND INDIA:
FOR SOME "B" HORROR ALIEN FILM
HE DID.
HE MIGHT EVEN BE A BIGGER STAR
IN WEST HOLLYWOOD
FOR STARRING:
THE BISEXUAL PARODY
OF TWILIGHT.
THAT'S WHAT YOU ALWAYS SAY, BRO.
- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- UNDERSTAND WHAT?
PRETTY GOOD.
[knocks lightly]
PAPER-THIN.
NOW, CHASE'S EX-GIRLFRIEND,
JORDAN HOLLIDAY,
SHE'S A SMOKING-HOT CHICK.
- SHE'S SO HOT
TO MAKE:
BUT HE'S TOTALLY
AND WE'RE STATING
HE'S A MODEL TOO--
[chuckles]
IN FACT, HE MAY BE THE VAINES PERSON IN LOS ANGELES,
COMPLETE WITH:
A ZOOLANDER COMPLEX.
- SHE'S SO HOT
TO MAKE:
HE'LL TELL YOU
HE INVENTED ZOOLANDER.
- DO I HAVE A ZOOLANDER COMPLEX?
[scoffs]
NO.
WITH THE IDEA.
- [chuckling]
IN A STARBUCKS,
THE IDEA,
REALLY LOUD, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE I WAS EXCITED.
AND I LOOKED OVER,
AND THERE'S F***ING BEN STILLER
STANDING THERE,
LISTENING TO ME WHILE HE WAITED
FOR HIS COFFEE.
BEN STILLER DRINKING?
- AND THEN HE WALKED OU WITH HIS FRAPPUCCINO.
- BUT MY ROOMMATE'S GONNA BE A
VERY VALUABLE ASSET TO THE PLAN.
IF I'M GONNA CAS A FAKE MOVIE,
I'M GONNA NEED A SOMEWHA RECOGNIZABLE ACTOR ATTACHED.
[drum cadence]
I NEED YOU, MAN.
- EXACTLY.
I'LL HELP YOU.
NOT BY PLAYING:
WITH YOUR PECKER.
- [sighs]
YOU'RE GONNA GET ME JORDAN BACK.
- NO.
- [scoffs]
NOT POSSIBLE.
- OKAY, SOMEONE EQUALLY AS HOT.
ANOTHER ACTRESS.
- I'M LISTENING.
OUT THE DOOR.
HOLDING THE AUDITIONS.
HE HAS A PLAN.
- THESE GUYS AREN'T EVEN COOL.
OF OVER 100 SMOKING-HOT CHICKS.
- JUSTIN'S A NICE GUY.
HE'S INSTANTLY LIKEABLE.
IN A PHRASE,
HE'S ULTRA MEDIUM.
- I MEAN,
I'M A GOOD-LOOKING GUY.
- HE'S NOT GOOD-LOOKING,
BUT HE'S NOT BAD, I GUESS.
- I'M HILARIOUS.
- HE'S NOT FUNNY,
- I'VE GOT A JOB.
[chuckles]
- OH, JUSTIN, OKAY.
I'LL PLAY ALONG
HIM AND I ARE GONNA BE THE LEADS
OCEAN'S ELEVEN STYLE.
AN OCEAN'S ELEVEN REFERENCE.
LIKE GEORGE CLOONEY.
WELL, NEWS FLASH, J BONE.
YOU'RE NO CLOONEY.
[chuckles]
BUT I COULD SEE:
HOW HE'D THINK
[camera shutter clicks]
[upbeat pop punk music]
- WE'RE LIVING HERE
IN HOLLYWOOD:
- THESE GUYS:
ALSO BRILLIANT.
- WHAT'S UP, BIOTCHES?
- AND A CAMERA?
- AND A CAMERA.
- WHAT'S UP, FELLAS?
- YO.
- HEY, BUDDY.
- SO APPARENTLY,
OUR LIVES ARE ABOUT TO CHANGE.
- OKAY.
- GET THIS.
I WANT TO HOLD A FAKE AUDITION
FOR A FAKE MOVIE
SO THAT WE CAN MEET AND CAS A LOT OF HOT B*TCHES.
- I F***ING LOVE IT.
ABOUT IT.
WOULD COME IN.
- EXACTLY.
- GENIUS!
- I KNOW, RIGHT?
A FAKE SCRIPT?
I DON'T NEED A WHOLE SCREENPLAY,
JUST AN IDEA:
WE CAN USE:
DURING A CASTING SESSION.
ROSS AND AUSTIN,
JUST GOT DONE WRITING A BOMB-ASS
VAMPIRE WEB SERIES.
THESE GUYS WRITE HOT GIRL PARTS
BETTER THAN ANYONE
I'VE EVER KNOWN.
- YOU DON'T KNOW
- AW, THANKS, BROSKI.
- ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S I SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT?
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
YOU'RE ESSENTIALLY THE BRAINS
IN DETAIL:
OF OUR DREAMS.
- DO WE GET AN IMDB CREDI FOR WRITING A FAKE MOVIE?
IN GREAT DETAIL,
FOR OUR "PERFECT GIRL."
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"Casting Couch" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 21 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/casting_couch_5171>.
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