Catch-22 Page #4

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- Better do something.

- All right, men. I think we...

owe a vote of thanks to the General

for visiting us and cheering us up.

In his honour, I'd like to make an

announcement which may interest you.

I know you're all anxious

to do your part...

Here it comes.

As of now,

the number of missions required

before you are eligible for rotation

is raised to 75.

I know we'll all do our best.

Why are you smiling,

you silly bastard?

- Now I won't have to go home.

- You what?

I can stay.

I don't have to leave her.

- What are you saying?

- I love her.

I do. I really do. I've never felt

like this, not even for my mom.

Men don't fall in love

with girls like that.

Men always fall in love

with girls like that.

One or the other.

I'm gonna take her back

to Long Island with me.

You don't really love her.

You think you love her.

How can you tell the difference

between loving her

and thinking he's in love?

- You have to be objective.

- Who's objective?

- I am cos I'm not in love with her.

- You mean you think you're not.

- That's right.

- So how can you tell the difference?

- Wait a second...

- Look!

- Look what Aarfy's got.

- Say goodbye, McWatt. Come on!

My dear...

My dear, we had a lovely day.

Did you see what he did?

Make him tell you what he did.

- What'd you do, Aarfy?

- Nothing. Nice girl. Very nice girl.

She wanted us to go home with her.

She was gonna show us a good time.

We had a good time. We saw

the Colosseum and other swell sights.

- Why didn't you take her home?

- I can't take advantage of a kid.

- Old Aarfy's got some principles.

- You've got a diseased mind.

She just wanted to jump

in the sack with somebody.

She's mixed up.

I gave her a good talking to.

He did!

I straightened her out

and sent her home.

- You crazy bastard!

- You're beneath contempt.

- He's got a dirty mind.

- I don't see it that way.

- They want us to go home with them.

- For how much?

- $30!

- Who's the little runt?

Nately's whore's kid sister.

I wanna spend some time with my girl.

I'll pay for all of us.

Give her the 30 bucks

and send the other two away.

She'll be angry with me

for making her work.

She said that if I really loved her,

I'd sleep with the other two.

I swear, you fellas...!

Come on, Yossarian, let's go!

Go on, you go.

- What's wrong?

- What isn't wrong?

- Two more missions and we go home.

- You know what's gonna happen.

No. A whole bunch of replacement

pilots came into Naples yesterday.

- Who says?

- Milo.

He just came from there

with loads of coconuts.

We'll never see those replacements,

or those coconuts.

Cathcart wouldn't dare

raise the number of missions again.

Who's gonna stop him?

Somebody will.

Come on!

Wait for me!

All right. I want to get this clear.

As I understand it,

we're giving these men medals

for doing a lousy job. Is that right?

That's not quite the situation.

When I want an answer from you I'll

look at you - as seldom as possible.

- I think I can explain it.

- You'd better.

Yesterday's mission was to bomb

a town called Ferrara.

- Why Ferrara?

- What do you mean, "Why Ferrara?"

- Do you know what Ferrara is?

- It's a town on a hill.

- Do you know what's in that town?

- Five minutes to target.

- What's in it?

- Nothing.

Nothing's in it.

No Germans, no munitions,

no railroad crossing,

no harbour, nothing.

- Nothing at all?

- No. Except people. Italian people.

And a monastery.

Yossarian, maybe it's some kind

of strategy thing.

- What the hell are we doing?

- It's not our business to ask.

- Whose business is it?

- Four minutes to target.

- Are you ready to take us in?

- Get ready to dump.

- We're not there yet!

- Get away from there, Aardvark!

Come on, you'll screw up

the whole mission!

- Get ready to turn!

- What are you doing?

- Cut it out, Yossarian!

- Get ready to turn!

A direct hit... on the ocean?

Yes, sir. A marvellous bomb pattern.

We have aerial photographs

if you'd like to see them.

We're decorating men who dropped

- on the Mediterranean?

- If you consider the alternative...

The alternative is that we take

the whole crew and shoot 'em.

- Might be a problem there, sir.

- All right, I know.

If we can't shoot the bastards,

we can court-martial them,

see that they rot in some stockade.

We felt that a court-martial

might get unavoidable publicity.

If it got around that we used one

of our missions to bomb the ocean...

You don't have to say

anything more, Colonel.

"For distinguished duty in the face

of overwhelming..." something...

- Odds.

- "...odds,

"this Air Medal is awarded

to Captain JS..."

- McWatt.

- "...McWatt."

Come on, come on.

All right, McWatt.

What are you waiting for, a kiss?

- Get back in there.

- And on the double!

"For meritorious action

"in the face of concentrated

enemy fire, Captain..."

- What's this?

- Come on, dumbo.

Unless I miss my guess, Captain,

you're out of uniform.

What are you looking at?

Get back in the car,

you smirking slut.

Why aren't you wearing clothes,

Captain?

- I don't want to.

- What do you mean? Why don't you?

I dunno. I just don't want to.

- Why is he naked?

- He's talking to you.

- Why is he naked, Major?

- Why is he naked, Sergeant?

A man was killed in his plane

and bled all over him.

His clothes are in the laundry.

- Where are his other uniforms?

- In the laundry, sir.

- Where is his underwear?

- In the laundry, sir.

- That sounds like a lot of crap.

- It is a lot of crap, sir.

Sir, this man

will be punished severely.

What the hell do I care?

If he wants to receive a medal

without clothes on,

what business is it of yours?

- My sentiments exactly, sir.

- Here's your medal, Captain.

- You're a very weird person.

- Thank you, sir.

- You are giving me this?

- Yes.

- Perch?

- Because you're beautiful,

and because your name is Luciana.

It was my mother's name.

But my real name is Eleonora Rosanna.

I only call myself Luciana.

My mother

only called herself Luciana.

Her real name was Eleonora Rosanna.

- I don't believe you.

- I don't blame you.

What you get this for?

Will you believe me

if I tell the truth?

I was awarded that particular medal

for killing fish.

- You have killed many fish?

- Yes, I am one of the biggest...

I am the most renowned killer of fish

in the US Army Air Force.

I dance with you

but I won't let you sleep with me.

- Who asked you?

- You don't want to sleep with me?

- I don't wanna dance with you.

- You crazy?

- Watch where you put your hands, GI.

- My name is Yossarian.

Watch where you put your hands,

Yossarian.

It's...

- What's his name, the new gunner?

- Snowden.

- I'm cold.

- OK. You're gonna be OK.

Cold. Cold.

- There.

- Starting to hurt me.

Hang on. I'll get you some morphine.

- You prick!

- Hi! What's up?

It's good to see you.

When did you get out of the hospital?

We've got a couple of things

to talk over.

How you feeling? I'm sorry I didn't

visit, but I've been in Naples.

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