Catch and Release Page #5

You just said you're not dating.

- Oh, you're dating someone secret.

- No.

Are you having an affair

with a married woman?

No! God!

- Dennis, fess up. Do I know her?

- No.

- I'm the last one to know everything.

- No! Good God, no.

I'm not having an affair

with a married woman. That's ridiculous.

I don't know. What else could it be?

- You really want to know?

- Badly.

All right.

I'll tell you.

For the past six years,

I've been telling myself the same thing.

"It's okay. He's a better man."

And it turns out

that's just bullshit.

Look at what he did to you, Gray.

He had, hands-down,

the best girl in the world, and he goes...

If I had you,

if you were mine, there is no way...

There is no way.

Scratch that.

I'm having an affair with a married woman.

I do love you, Dennis.

That's great.

Hey, Mattie.

- Hey.

- What?

Mattie.

Put your foot up. There you go.

There we go.

We'll get you all fixed up.

And today's Little Mary Sunshine Award

goes to...

I'm starving.

You get extremely cool stuff

when you get married.

No wonder people do it.

Were you ever close?

To getting married?

No.

Why not, do you think?

I don't know. I guess it just

always made more sense to walk away.

Aren't you Ionely?

Right now, no.

No, just...

In general.

Who do you tell your stories to?

I guess I keep them to myself.

That's a tragedy.

Yeah.

You want to hear a story?

I got a good one.

Guy goes to a funeral...

Sorry.

Look at you, rocking the Foreman

at 3:
00 in the morning. Right on, sir.

You going to eat both of those, or...

No.

- Dig in.

- Thanks, man.

They say you're not supposed to eat

after 7:
00, but,

what, am I trying to win a beauty contest?

Thanks, Fritz!

You bet, buddy.

They have to take the DNA sample

at the hospital.

The only way I could get him to go

was by promising you'd come.

Well, I'm glad I could...

Hospitals scare the you-know-what

out of him.

He was a preemie. He was, like,

three and a half weeks early,

and he wasn't ready

to leave my womb at that point.

So I think, like, on some deep psychic level,

he must associate hospitals with fear

and separation.

Like, "Oh, my God! I'm leaving my mother!

"What if I never see her again?

"Am I all alone in this world?"

That's a heavy load.

You ever hear the expression

"The power of suggestion," Maureen?

'Cause...

No, is that, like, a workshop?

Oh, yeah.

So it's a little filthy.

- I'm sorry.

- No, that's all right.

Can I get you something to drink?

We got beer,

we got some tap water.

- Do you have wine?

- Yes, we have wine.

Glasses are over there. Let me see

if we can find something at least drinkable.

All right.

Here we go.

I have no idea if this is any good.

It was given to me by a client

I took up to Snake River.

What is it?

Persephone.

Sam, I don't know how to thank you.

I really don't.

You know what? It's totally cool.

No, it really could've been a nightmare

with that giant Q-Tip thing.

Here, honey.

You know what?

This kid did not need my help.

The Force is strong with this one.

I was just there.

You know, normally I would offer

to make you something to eat, but...

I mean, I have trail mix.

I've already had dinner with you once

and, no offense,

but I've reached my annual quota of turf.

Oh, hey, I know!

How about a massage?

Did you take a course?

Yeah, this is, like, a percussion-based.

All you got to do is watch

the drummers on the beach, really.

Any lower and you might hit a gas pocket.

Little guy doesn't want to give it up.

Maybe he should stay.

- Sam, you're not breathing.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.

- Your calves are extraordinary.

- Well, you... Thanks.

Did you play football?

I watched a lot of football.

Right on.

Do you feel that chakra energy?

Is that what it is? Yes.

It's very

chakr-y.

Okay.

Well, I can't thank you enough. That was...

- Sam, we're not done.

- No?

- Turn over.

- What?

Oh, no.

Is there a name for this method?

Just be open.

You can really start to feel the aura change.

I feel a light magenta.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

What am I thinking?

- It's totally okay, you know?

- No, it's not.

You're being too hard on yourself, man.

It's not a thing. Don't worry about it.

I'm a terrible mother.

Oh, come on, that's just crap.

You're an excellent mother.

That kid, I've seen you with him.

He loves you, you know?

Sam,

I can't do this.

It's too hard.

Yes, you can.

You can do it.

You're a gem.

Come here. Come here.

What?

My girlfriends and I used to

have this rule with each other.

"No sleeping with a guy

until you knew his mother's maiden name."

What?

We figured it would keep us out of beds of

men we barely knew.

Gideon.

Gideon.

Anything else you want to know?

What's your favorite color?

Gray.

You are not who I thought you were.

Yeah, well,

neither are you.

Mattie, stop it!

Mattie, help me pick these up!

Thanks.

Come on!

Just leave those.

Do you have to touch every single thing?

Hello. Do you like mangoes?

This is a papaya.

Actually, it's a mango.

It's a papaya! Maureen!

All right, baby, it's a papaya

if you want it to be a papaya.

He has some separation issues

because he has an absent father.

Do you have kids?

A son.

Morning, Dennis.

What...

What you doing there, sir?

All right, seriously, handyman,

whatever this is,

just not good for you,

really not good for our front door.

Give me the planer, Dennis.

Give me the planer, Dennis.

Give me the planer, Dennis.

Give me the planer, Dennis!

- Give me it.

- Get off me.

Let it go!

Yeah.

Wow! What is this?

I need to find a picture

for the garden dedication.

I can't find one

where you can really see his face.

I'm a big boy, you know?

You could've just told me.

Told you what?

That you were in love with someone else.

I'm not.

I saw you guys coming in last night.

Dennis. God.

That's nothing.

It's less than nothing.

Okay.

I have stuff in storage. I'll find you a picture.

Yeah.

Nice dress.

Oh, this is embarrassing.

I never got a chance to wear it.

It's a girl thing.

- What are you doing?

- Heading out.

Just wanted to check in, say goodbye.

You're leaving?

- Why? What happened?

- Nothing.

Less than nothing,

right?

Yeah, that's the thing with small houses,

everybody hears everything.

You got to get yourself a big one, like mine.

On the beach, in Malibu, waves crashing.

Nobody can hear a thing.

I didn't mean it.

That's okay.

Really. I got to get home anyway.

Back to reality.

So...

- I'll see you.

- Fritz, wait.

- I only said that because...

- Because you were embarrassed.

That's okay.

Me and you doesn't look good.

Not your style, right?

I'll see you.

- Wait.

- For what?

You going to get out of that wedding dress?

That's gonna take a while.

I got to go.

Kind of quiet in here, isn't it?

"Yeah, it's real quiet, Sam.

Good talking to you, dude."

Ladies,

not his kid.

What?

There's absolutely no chance

that Mr. Douglas fathered that child.

Thank you, Eve.

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