Catch Me Daddy

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'A great bird landed here.

'Its songs drew men out of rock.

'Living men out of bog and heather.

'Its song put a light in the valleys

and harness on the long moors.

'Its song brought a Crystal from space

and set it in men's heads.

'The bird died.

'Its giant bones blackened

and became a mystery.

'The Crystal in men's heads

blackened and fell to pieces.

'The valleys went out.

The moorland broke loose.

My dad said whoever invented

Black Forest gateau was a genius.

- Black Forest gateau?

- Yeah. Tastes well good.

That's only cos Pakis

can't make good desserts.

Shut up. Course they can.

I remember when me and my brother

used to go to my dad's restaurant

after school

and we always used to have

Black Forest gateau.

Dad always used to call me Chum Chum

as well.

- Chum Chum?

- Yeah.

What did he call you

Chum Chum for?

There's this pink little dumpling.

What you laughing at?

How's your hot Chocolate?

Sh*t.

Leave me alone.

Aaron.

Aaron!

Laila.

You look like.

Laila.

If a fiddler played you a song,

my love

And if I gave you a wheel

Would you spin for my heart

And loneliness

Would you spin for my love

If I gave up all of my pride for you

And only loved you for now

Would you hide my fears

and never say

"Tomorrow I must go"

And everywhere there's rain,

my love

Everywhere there's fear

if you tell me a lie,

I'll Cry for you

Tell me of sin and I'll laugh

Ah.

That's OK.

There we are.

Yeah?

Lie down.

A-ha.

Are you tired?

A little bit? OK.

Hello?

Hi, dude. How you doing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

I'll meet you there, bud.

Meet you there. Alright, bye.

Hey... Oh, it's cold, isn't it?

It's cold.

Hi.

How you doing?

OK, Bar.

Yeah. OK, I'll see you in a bit.

Two minutes.

Get in!

Let's go.

- What's happening?

- They've been spotted in Calderton.

Yes, on it.

- Alright?

- Alright, bro?

- How are things?

- Good.

No problem.

Same old, bruv.

Zaheer?

What's up, bruv?

You alright? Alright?

How you doing, brother?

Yeah, I've stopped smoking for 24 hours,

you know. I feel sh*t hot.

I'm having acupuncture.

Great.

Don't wash your hands.

Your cousin's a bit of a weird C*nt,

you know.

- I'm Barry. How are you?

- Hi.

Where do you know these d*ckheads

from?

He looks like Alan Shearer, bro.

No.

Just a little swallow on the wrist

and he had a diamond

on t'back of his neck and...

She's got a big one on her thigh

and it's this, er...

Well, it does look like her, actually.

She's not the smallest of people,

either.

Hello, Vicky!

Hello, handsome, how are you?

Hey, Lewis.

Want a biscuit?

Here, let me get it out for you.

One of them ones.

- What do you say?

- Oh, my gosh!

What do you gonna be when

you grow up? You gonna be gymnastics?

- Me... Dad.

- Are you gonna be a dad?

Yeah, my dad.

That is my biscuit!

How dare you take my biscuit?

Shh! We're gonna jump out in a minute.

One, two, three.

I had a f***ing weird dream last night.

- Aye?

- Yeah. You were in it.

Me?

We were in a f***ing barber's, yeah,

waiting for my haircut

and these f***ing monkeys

are getting their hair cut.

You're f***ing like in the background

sweeping up.

- I'm the sweeper?

- You're the f***ing sweeper.

And you're f***ing screaming at me,

"Give me a f***ing hand, Barry!"

I'm just f***ing, like, laughing at you.

The f***ing...

You throw the brush at me, yeah,

and when the brush comes at me,

it hits the wall and snaps in half.

Turns into a knife. I go f***ing on one.

I grab this f***ing knife, yeah.

As soon as I grab this knife,

these f***ing monkeys spin round.

Start f***ing clapping.

Start clapping that I chased you off.

F***ing weird dream.

Ah, Jesus.

What happened in Sheffield, bro?

She'll be working in a salon.

Come on!

I went to buy some off him

and he gave it me in this little tube,

like a vial on, like, a wire.

Next f***ing thing...

l had it, it were alright.

Next thing, I give it her, and greedy

bollocks has gone in the toilet,

had a big fat line out of it.

But rest of it were ketamine.

She ended up on her arse

with no f***ing shoes on.

I had to carry her home on my shoulder.

- He'll never let me forget it either.

- I won't do, no.

- You done? Great.

- Yeah.

I'll see you tonight.

We'll give you a bell

before we go out.

- Alright. See you in a bit.

- See ya.

- Right, I'm gonna go.

- Alright.

Oh, can you bring your National

insurance number tomorrow, please?

Er, yeah. Sorry, I keep forgetting.

Don't worry.

Do you fancy coming Aca's with us?

I'm chilling, actually.

Er... a bit broke.

I was wondering if I could borrow

20 quid off you just till payday.

Yeah, of course you can.

- Here.

- Ta.

You want to stay for a smoke?

Erm, yeah, yeah.

- I will do.

- Yeah?

I can't smoke it in my house

cos of the kiddie.

So what's it like in Acapulco's?

Alright, yeah. It's two for one

on a Thursday if you get there before...

I don't know, half ten or 11,

summat like that.

- If you're a lass, you get in for free.

- Oh, cool.

- Cheap night out, innit?

- Hm.

You gonna come, then?

I'll think about it.

Shh.

I cannot be arsed to have

any more customers tonight.

He's walking like he just got

bummed up the arse, bro.

F***ing looks like it.

Laters potaters...

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Would you like a two-for-one offer

on the milkshakes?

What did you say?

Would you like a two-for-one offer

on the milkshakes?

- Erm, yeah.

- They're different varieties.

- Are they good?

- Yeah.

- I've got this voucher thingy.

- Yeah.

So I get two milkshakes...

- ...and pay for one?

- Pay for one, yeah.

- Oh, cool. What kind do you do?

- Any kind you want. It's up to you.

Erm... What about, er,

cornflakes and Mars or summat?

No, that'd be rank, like.

You don't want one of them.

- What, really?

- Yeah.

- Sounds good, though.

- It does, but it's not.

Er...

What about... What about

summat with Skittles in it?

That'd break the blender.

What, the Skittles?

They're nice and soft and chewy.

- Nah, they'd break it.

- How does it break it?

- Cos it would. Cos they're too hard.

- Oh, right. Er...

Can I have a Milky Way

and a Ferrero Rocher?

- Yeah.

- And then, er,

that Fizz Wiz and marshmallows.

- Yeah.

- Cool.

How long are they gonna take?

I don't know. As long as it does.

You alright, mate?

Seen these two?

Have a look.

- Just have a look.

- No, mate.

Have you seen these two?

I haven't, no.

Sorry, mate. No, I haven't.

If I give you my number,

will you ring me?

- Yeah.

- I'll give you 50 if you see them.

If I see them,

I'll give you a bell.

Are you alright in the head, like?

You look a bit stoned or something.

You're going well slow.

Gotta make sure

it's perfect, haven't you?

Make the perfect milkshake,

that's how you get customers.

Oh... Why you laughing?

You're smirking. Why you laughing?

It's just a question.

What are you laughing for?

I don't know. I just laugh.

I'm a laughable person.

- Am I gonna get my milkshake or what?

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