Catching Feelings

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A young soldier, about your age,

far away from home,

discovers that he's growing horns.

A troubling yet very common occurrence

in the Europe of his day.

"Friend, thou art plagued,"

his comrades said about his horns.

"Thy wife cheats on thee

with another dude."

The other soldiers

spent days taunting him:

"Yep. He's attacking her pink fortress.

Doing the pants-off dance-off.

Laying pipe. Tapping that ass."

Humiliated and determined

to know the truth,

he embarks on the long

and sleepless journey home.

It's also hard to sleep

when you've got horns on your head. Yeah.

Crying oceans,

he would scream to the heavens,

"Gods of long-distance relationships,

why do you forsake me so?"

It was sad. Heartbreaking stuff.

He finally arrives at his homestead

to find his wife engaged

in the four-legged foxtrot

with a rather handsome Moor.

He'd never seen a Moor before, actually.

Enraged, the young soldier slew the Moor

and decided at that moment

never to trust dark-skinned fellows ever.

As punishment,

and also to avoid future cuckolding,

he shut his lady's cookie

with lock and key,

making her penis-proof.

Well, you have to understand, people,

this was the pre-woke era.

She was his property. And you know

what they say in the suburbs:

"Lock your stuff away

from the dark-skinned folks."

Hey, what did I say

about phones in the class?

Come on, Mr. Richard.

We're in the middle of a narrative here.

You guys get the gist, right?

So, tomorrow and the rest of the week,

we will listen to your stories.

Please try not to put us to sleep.

- Be awesome.

- Great lecture.

Happy birthday by the way, Mr. Matshane.

Mr. Matshane is my dad.

Call me Max, please.

AFRICAN CUISINE:

- You guys need to hear this.

- Babe, are you...

- Are you okay with it?

- I'm fine.

- But you're sensitive about this.

- Don't be saying I'm sensitive.

I'm not sensitive about this.

- Are you sure?

- I'm sure. Tell the story.

Okay, let me tell the story.

So, the other day, it was a few days ago,

we were in Parkhurst,

minding our business,

having a great time,

and then we bump into this couple.

- Friends of his.

- No, not my friends.

- Matthew Fink and his wife.

- The journalist.

- Right.

- I know that guy.

They then ply us with alcohol

and they invite us to their house.

So we're completely wasted,

and then they say, "Let's go for a swim."

You went for a swim?

No, we considered going for a swim

until they stood in front of us naked.

So, he's like, "We have an early morning.

- We have to go."

- Which I did.

That's when they got to the point

of saying, "Cool, you can go.

We'll bring your wife back

in the morning."

They said that.

"We'll bring your wife in the morning."

- But that is obvious, though.

- What do you mean?

Dude, I've seen your life.

I was there when you were picking up

those funny girls in high school, bro.

Ain't none of them being invited

into a foursome. Not one of them.

Based on this information, we can deduce

that you have never been invited

to be part of a sexual encounter

involving more than two people.

Like...

- No.

- I think your brother is saying

you're punching above

your weight with Sam.

That is not what I'm saying at all.

- I think you're completely orgy material.

- That's me.

- It's so hard to meet women in the city.

- Sure you've tried hard enough?

There aren't enough places to congregate.

- Everyone is always in their cars.

- "Congregate"? Who says "congregate"?

What's wrong with "congregate"?

F***, I'm old.

Toast.

Let's raise our glasses.

To the birthday boy, my brother,

Vladimir Matshane.

Or Max, as you all know him.

Sir, may you have many, many more

orgy invitations thanks to your wife.

What an a**hole.

Are you Monsieur Bon Bon?

- I just happen to be that exact person.

- Amazing.

How can I be of assistance?

- He's huge.

- She speaks. Welcome.

Welcome to the table.

He is huge, right?

Don't mind him, he's just jealous.

Heiner Miller is coming to town.

Are you literary types excited?

- Not me.

- Not you? What do you mean?

You loved Son of a Scorched Soil.

No. You said it was a great book,

I thought it was just okay.

A little bit of jealousy here, Sam?

Why would I be jealous?

The guy's like 80 years older than me.

- Why would I be jealous?

- He isn't that old, is he?

He's very old.

I'm not the literary type and I'm excited.

- I've got a first edition of Mighty Zungu.

- I love that book.

Somebody needs to make a movie of that.

- I've never read it.

- What? How old are you?

We invited everybody.

It's only proper that we get you guys.

This is my birthday gift to myself.

- To everybody.

- We could just split this.

No, just relax. I've got this.

- Thank you.

- Something for my friends.

Thank you.

- Declined.

- Try budget.

I don't mind splitting it.

Although, we didn't have any booze.

And then? What happened to the party?

I'll take it.

Thanks. Little brother.

- Happy birthday, my love.

- Yeah.

Bye now. Hello?

- Her book launch?

- Yes, baby, you know about this. Poetry.

You know the world should not be exposed

to that lady's poetry.

Her poetry is horrible.

I don't want to go to the poetry...

- That's a terrible thing to say.

- No, you know I love Laz.

I love Laz more than I love myself.

You love Laz more than you love yourself?

Like I love myself.

Yeah, I love her a lot.

If you love her like you love yourself,

how much do you love me?

I love you, like,

more than I love everything.

I love you infinity.

I love you like ten thousands Lazes.

A million Lazes.

Sam?

- I think we've got money problems.

- Yeah, I know.

We've got so much of it

that you decided you want to

settle a 4,000 rand bill, remember?

I'm an idiot, I know.

I think my ego got the better of me.

You know what my solution is.

Ive told you this

We could just sell this place

and get a smaller place.

There are such cool apartments

in Killarney.

But... we love this place.

This is our placeto have kids

and grow old.

People have babies all over the place,

all around the world.

Could have a baby in a mud hut.

Plus, I'm not in a rush to have children.

I spent my teens raising my brother.

I curse your brother.

Your brother's costing me a family.

Leave my brother, stop it.

I'm sorry.

But we're not getting any younger.

- And I thought you loved this place.

- I do.

I think we could use our money

to do something else,

something different,

not just a house in the suburbs.

- I've got that series of talks at UCT.

- Yeah.

It's a good check. Piss easy.

Could use the money

to squash the overdraft.

"Head above water" vibes.

That's so romantic.

We should be flying to somewhere exotic

like India or South America,

have magic mushrooms,

run away naked in faraway forests.

You can focus on your writing.

And then we can talk about babies

and a big house.

We'll be deep in our 40s by then.

We'll have babies

that we take out to the shops

and everybody will be going, "Oh, wow.

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