Catfight Page #3

- Oh, you're pathetic.

- What are you?

You're a f***ing

caterer, Ashley.

- You're a f***ing

trophy wife, Veronica.

- I am a mother.

- Oh man, I feel sorry

for your f***ing kid.

Oh!

Oh my god!

Oh my god.

- Ow.

Don't touch me.

- Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear Karl.

Happy birthday, to you.

- We're approaching

the two year anniversary

of the new war

in the middle east.

It seemed to be

going well, at first.

Then, the president did

something nobody saw coming.

He reinstated the draft.

I know, I know, I know.

Very, very unpopular

move at first.

But as the president predicted,

the draft is having a positive

affect on the economy.

In fact,

the president's poll numbers

are actually surging in parts

of the south and midwest.

Well, that's what happens when

you force blacks and latinos

to leave the country.

The hillbillies just love you.

Anyway, anyway, enough

of this political nonsense.

Let's bring out

the fart machine.

- Oh!

Oh my.

Oh, Mrs. salt?

You're awake?

Oh.

Doctor!

Doctor!

We need a doctor!

- My name is doctor Jones

and I'm the comatose doctor

at mercy general.

- The comatose doctor?

- Yes, I specialize in comatose

patients here at the hospital.

- Okay.

- I know this is going to come

as a bit of a shock, Mrs. salt,

but you've been in

a coma for two years.

- What?

- You've been in

a coma for two years.

- I know, I heard

you the first time,

but... what?

- You've suffered a massive

brain injury and frankly,

we didn't think you were

going to come out of it.

But I'm happy that you regained

consciousness when you did.

We've been unable to withdraw

funds from your bank,

actually, and we were in

the process of moving you

to another facility.

- But I have health insurance.

- Actually, you had a

government-issued health policy

and those were

discontinued last year.

We've been pulling funds

directly from your

savings account.

- But that doesn't

make any sense.

My family is rich.

There should be plenty

of funds to pull from.

- Mrs. salt.

I have some bad news.

- Mr. salt is dead.

- Wha- uh, what?

How?

- A terrible accident.

- Where's kip?

Oh.

I need to see my son.

Where's kippy?

- Mrs. salt, I don't know

how to tell you this.

- What?

- Your son is dead, too.

- What?

Are you joking?

What?

This can't be happening.

- This is a... what is going on?

- It's okay. It's okay.

- What is...

This is a nightmare.

- I'll go get her a sedative.

- Can you get me one, too?

- I need one as well.

I'll be right back.

- This isn't happening.

This can't be happening.

- Yeah, but it is.

- No, it's not.

- I'm sorry, Mrs. salt.

I'm so sorry.

- Wait.

My son is dead?

- Yes.

- How?

- He died in the war.

- The war.

My son died in the war.

How long have i

been asleep again?

- Two years.

- Two years.

That means that...

Kip is only 17,

he's too young

to serve in the military.

- They lowered the age

to serve to 16.

- My own son was drafted.

- What?

- How can they do that?

- It was something

the congress decided.

They said if you're

old enough to drive,

you're old enough to kill.

- How old is the

drinking age then?

- It's still 21.

- Uh.

- This must be so much

of a shock to you.

I'm sorry. You--

no family, no home,

and you're broke.

But you're awake.

And you look great.

- What do you mean,

I'm broke?

- It's all gone.

Didn't you hear the doctor?

They used all your assets

to pay for the hospital.

- I don't understand.

I don't have anything?

- Oh, I have a small box

of your belongings.

I saved them for you.

- Oh my god, Donna.

Oh my god, Donna.

Hold my hand, please.

Oh Donna, hold my hand.

What am I going to do?

Oh my god, Donna.

What am I going to do?

I can't tell you

what it means to me.

I'm so grateful that you've

been by my side this whole time.

- Well, that's not quite true.

I - I work for the hospital.

They hired me last week.

I clean the rooms.

- How much is this one?

Excuse me.

- Oh.

Yeah.

- How much for this piece?

- Oh, this one sold

already this morning.

- Oh.

What about this one?

- That one sold, too.

- Well, if they're sold,

why haven't you put the

little red stickers on them?

- Oh yeah.

They've been selling so fast

that sometimes I just

forget about them.

- Her work is very grim.

- Yeah, it's pretty grim.

- These are grim times.

- Yeah.

- Has everything sold?

- Um, no.

We have one left.

Follow me.

There it is.

- Is that what I think it is?

- What do you think it is?

- A decapitated sperm.

- Yes, that's it.

It's a decapitated sperm.

- How much?

- Five thousand.

- I'll take it.

- Ta-da.

- Thank you, friend.

There's not as much

as last time.

- Yeah, can't really

control that though.

- Open up.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- More.

- Oh man.

- If I open up any more you

could go spelunking down there.

- Okay.

- Ready?

- Yeah.

- Ah.

- I have a good

feeling about this.

- Get your legs up.

- Okay.

- What if I'm too old?

- That's not what

the doctor said.

- How could you

possibly be infertile?

- It's okay.

- We're going to be mommies.

- Mm-hmm.

- Mommies.

- Mm-hmm.

- The last time I had sperm

in me was in the 2nd grade.

- You can't make

jokes like that

when the baby comes.

- What if this baby

has two heads?

- Well, then he'll breastfeed on

both breasts simultaneously.

- Ew.

- Come on, Veronica.

Oh, you're doing so good.

Just take one step.

And then, after that...

You take another step.

- Oh, is that how you do it?

You take one step

and then another?

- Really?

- Yeah.

- It's like riding a bike,

remember?

- Oh, is that how

you ride a bike?

You take one step

and then another.

- Okay, Veronica.

Try and stay positive.

- It's a beautiful day.

- Please don't say that.

- Oh, why?

- My husband used to say that.

- Oh, sorry.

- I was just trying

to keep things positive.

- Well, it's hard feeling

positive at the moment.

- I understand that.

- You know,

i don't think you do.

My husband blew his

head off with a shotgun.

- Well, that's a terrible

thing to think about.

So why don't we focus on you

putting one foot

in front of the other.

- My son is dead.

Did you know that?

- I know.

- He probably got his

head blown off, too.

- I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to be insensitive.

- My only living relative

is a madwoman

living in a cabin in Maine.

My life sucks.

- Who is this relative?

- My aunt.

- I was told you

didn't have any family.

- I haven't spoken

to her in years.

- She's crazy, like,

like, Courtney love crazy.

- I understand that, but

i think you should call her.

- Oh, no way.

I can't do that.

- I think you should.

- Why?

- Because you can't

stay here anymore.

- No, I'm not ready to leave.

- This is your last day?

- What?

- Oh, I know you're angry.

I know you're upset.

Oh, I feel it, too.

Sometimes I get so angry

i want to torpedo the world.

Oh, but just breathe.

Just breathe.

Just keep those tentacles

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