Cats Kill Page #2

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- Whatever it's called.

Pick us up at nine.

- I'll try.

I get off work at 8:30, so--

- Do or do not, there is no try.

The Shire.

Gandalf?

Anybody?

- Isn't that Dumbledore?

- No!

- I'm sorry about my friends.

- No need for that.

We're all friends here.

(laughing)

- Yes.

Oh my God!

- What?

- Oh my God.

Look at this one.

This shade is called

Flamingo's Dream.

Isn't that so weird?

- Nice.

- Look at this, Salty Tears.

That's kinda sad actually.

- You are kinda sad actually.

Can we go?

It's creepy in here.

- I wonder what's in here.

Oh my God!

- F***!

- [Alana] That's weird.

- [Liz] My God, how

many old cell phones

do you think there are in here?

- I don't know,

like at least 20.

And not just old ones either.

- Oh my God, look at this.

- Let's go.

B*tch!

- Sorry, how could I not?

(funky dance music)

(horn honking)

- He's here.

- Yeah, 30 minutes late.

- Not too bad actually.

I thought we'd have

to drive ourselves.

- You mean I'd have

to drive you guys.

- [Liz] Well, yeah.

- What are you talking about?

I know how to drive.

- You know how to

get to The Shire?

- Like she does.

- Rik, the last time you

drove, Buffy was still on TV.

- Oh!

- Okay, Miss I can't

even pump my own gas.

- Touch, Miss Ostravsky.

Vamos!

(laughing)

(distorted electronic music)

- All right, we're here.

- Oh, cool.

- So cute.

- [Alana] He seems pretty cool.

- He's harmless.

- If you say so.

Hey, can I have one of those?

- You smoke?

- On occasion.

- Sure.

You put the orange

end in your mouth.

Okay.

- You know, I don't

know what happened.

We don't have rep

anymore at least.

- I'm lost, who is we?

- [Alana] New Yorkers.

- I'm a New Yorker.

- You know what I

mean, city folk.

Real New Yorkers.

- City folk.

You say city folk?

- Only for you, I promise.

- So what, you think

you're hard or something

'cause you're from the city?

- [Alana] No, but

that's what I mean.

We used to be.

- When?

- I don't know.

The '80s.

- Well, I think you're way off.

There's tough people everywhere.

- Then what is it?

- Well, I don't know.

It's a big state.

It's not like

California or Texas big,

but we have to share it.

- I guess you do

have all the water.

- Exactly.

- We don't wanna lose that.

I'm sorry I said you

weren't a real New Yorker.

- Don't be.

I thought you

wanted to be tough.

Besides, I'm sure you look

just as out of place here

as I would in Times Square.

- Everybody looks out of

place in Times Square.

- I wouldn't know.

Maybe I'll come

visit you someday.

- Sure, I'd love to see

how you handle the subway.

Plus, you have to meet.

- [Ron] Meet who?

- Frank.

- [Ron] Your boyfriend?

- Yeah.

- Nice.

What's he do?

- He's in the military.

- [Ron] No way, that's cool.

- Kind of.

He's a recruiter now,

but he served in Iraq,

and that was

definitely not cool.

- [Ron] Yeah, I bet.

A couple of my cousins

served actually.

- He works in Times Square,

actually, funny enough.

- Well, we've come full circle.

- Should we head inside?

- Yes.

- [Alana] We don't want to let

Rik and Liz have all the fun.

- Good thing Stephen can

handle himself, right?

One more thing though.

- [Alana] Shoot.

- Where were you born exactly?

- [Alana] New Jersey.

(laughing)

- Oh!

- No, shut up.

I thought we were gonna...

- I know we need

to do more shots.

- More shots?

Oh, Alana would like more shots.

- Steve, I don't think you're

ready for shots tonight.

- What are you

talking about, man?

- Let's just see how it goes.

- I'm always ready for shots.

- [Alana] Stay at our

house tonight, boys.

- So this is what

it's like up here.

- You like it?

I picked it out.

- Sure you did, Rik.

- Compared to Steve's sh*t hole,

this place is like

the Taj Mahal.

- Since when are you

so worldly, Ron Joe?

Ron lives in a trailer.

- Like on wheels?

- [Ron] I heard that.

- Ron Joe?

- Hey, stop fighting.

- Yeah, they obviously

don't care where you live.

Tonight, at least.

- Exactly.

Why fight when we can--

- Oh baby, I'm a

lover, not a fighter.

- We both live in

trailers, by the way.

You need any help with that?

- Not this time.

- You know, I used

to be a boy scout.

- You too?

I'm good, really.

We're just running low on wood.

Not sure how long

it's gonna last.

- Looks like we're gonna

have to find another way

to stay warm, right Alana?

- Let's hope

there's enough wood.

- I see how it is.

- Go join your friend,

I'll be right over.

(electronic dance music)

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, hold on, hold on!

So--

- Just tell it.

- So okay.

So, well, you know.

- What do I know?

- The whole town was there.

- Sh*t, like 50 people.

- No, I'm going up

to get my diploma,

and I get to the stage

and I look out and see my mom

and all my family and sh*t.

And it comes to my turn, right?

And I'm up there

with the principal,

shaking his hand and sh*t.

And now Ron, who dropped out

in the 10th grade by the way--

- What?

- Ron, yeah.

Ron stands up on a chair

in the back and yells

"He f***ed your daughter!"

And at this point,

I'm still holding on to

Principal Williams' hand.

And his face, dude, his face.

It was looking grim.

But he knows his daughter's

not the best Christian.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Yeah, I did take

her to prom, so--

- [Ron] Truce, truce.

- What?

- So he looked just about

ready to shake it off

and give the next kid

their diploma when Ron

gets up again and screams:

- [Ron And Steve] "In the ass!"

- Proudest day of my life, dude.

Proudest day of my life.

- Ew, no.

- Nice story, Stephen.

- I liked it.

- [Liz] I'm sure you did, Rikki.

- You let go as soon as

he sounded really corny.

- [Steve] Excuse me.

(sniffs heavily)

- Woo!

- Save some for moi.

It's gonna be a long weekend.

Slow down there, cowboy.

- Fire's almost out.

Oh, must be time for bed.

- [Steve] Your chariot awaits.

- [Rikki] Your

chariot awaits you.

- Your chariot awaits,

Miss Ostravsky.

- Now that is a high

school graduate.

- I resent that.

- Don't worry, I

think it's kinda cute.

- Them?

Cute is not the word.

- No, that Ron's a dropout.

- Don't say that, and

I'm not proud of it.

- Come on, you're

like a bad boy.

What do you think, Alana?

You've always like bad boys.

- I think I have a boyfriend.

- [Ron] I'll be right back.

- Sorry, Alana, I

didn't mean to--

(door closes)

- It's all right,

I already told him.

- No way, I thought you

were totally into him.

- He's fine, it's just--

- Wait, you didn't tell

him about Jake, right?

- No, you're good.

My lips are sealed.

- Okay, thank God.

Not that it would matter much,

but he doesn't seem

like the noble type.

- [Alana] I don't know

about that, Lizzie.

He's pretty geared up.

- I'll help you maybe.

I could not even get him to

light a cigarette for me.

- That's not true, he's been

all over you since the bar.

- That's because he thinks

you're not interested.

By the way, I don't like

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