Cattle Call

Gosh, I love to... I love to shop.

I mean, no... I love to go camping.

One time this boyfriend|was cheating on me,

and a week later he lost his job,

and then his car got wrecked,

and then a tree fell on his house.

It has to be at least five tattoos

or five piercings. I don't care.

If not, don't even bother talking to me.

Been sober for six... sixty... six hours.

Yeah, six hours.

I have a lot of cats.

I like sex. I actually do like it.

And I have sex|with guys just for fun.

Although I am from Utah,|so I guess I may be biased

to prefer someone that's maybe Mormon.

That would make my grandma happy.

I'm a professional body painter,

so pretty much I just|roll around naked in paint.

I'm actually in the process|of developing a human slingshot

so I can do walls and houses.

I used to be Miss Teen USA.

I'm terribly afraid of crabs.

Not the S TD...

Well, the S TD, too, I guess.

Hi, my name is Debbie.

And I'm looking for|a very handsome guy

that's funny, smart.

Rich couldn't hurt.

That's great.

That's fantastic.

All right.|Thanks for calling, all right?

Bye.

Dude, that was Sigourney, the girl I|met at the casting agency last week.

Is that some sort of new|kind of dating service?

No, no, man. The casting agency|where my sister works.

And there was this huge rejects bin|filled with headshots.

So what did you do?

As I'm sifting through, I find this one|that has Playboy credits.

She's beautiful. I'm like, I have to,

have to talk to this girl.

So I'm writing it down and everything,|and this janitor walks in.

- What are you doing? Listen...|- This is my job.

- No, no, no. L... I want...|- This is my job.

- I want these.|- It's my job.

I take the trash bag|home, right?

And I call that girl.

I told her, listen,

even though she was rejected|by the casting agency,

I wanted her.

I wanted to cast her|in my music video.

What music video?

Richie, if I want,|I can easily make a music video.

Isn't this girl gonna freak out

when she finds out|you're not making one?

No. Listen, like I said,|if I really, really have to,

I'll make the frickin' video.

- How?|- With your camera.

Oh, that's if I let you|use my digital camera.

You're not gonna let me use it?

You're running|a fake casting agency

so you can lie to some women|and sleep with them.

That's borderline genius, man.

That's a brilliant idea!

Think about it, man!|Think about what you just said.

This is the way for...|for you and me

to meet the girl of our dreams.

All we have to do is, like,

place an ad in one of those|actor trade paper things,

and, man, we'll have|a ton of prospects.

We'll have tons and tons of|beautiful women knocking on our door.

I mean, you'll end up|finding your girlfriend.

Who knows, maybe your wife.|It's a great idea, man.

And we should do it.

Listen, it's like a personal ad.

All we're doing is casting someone|to play the perfect person for you.

You're happy lying to women,

and now you want me|to lie to them, too.

When the girl really gets|to know you, Richie, okay?

When the girl gets|to really, really know you,

she's gonna think you met by chance.

That is meant to be.

Look at this. It's beautiful.

It's amazing. The ad is really working.

Look at... Oh!

These girls are gorgeous, man.

This is disgusting. No. No.

What do you think of this?

I think that you're a psycho.

No, listen.

When you look at these photos, okay?

I'm showing you, there's|a lot of red flags here.

Her eyebrows are super, super thick.

Her nose, this girl? Look at it.

Looks like a Saint Bernard.

You've got to look really carefully here.

Look. See? Right there?

The hair on her arms?|She's very hairy.

It's disgusting.

Sherman, I get the point.

I'm doing this for you, man.

When's the last time you got laid?

Why do you need to know?

Exactly. I want to use|your video camera.

Why do you need my video camera?

- For the auditions.|- What auditions?

And we're gonna actually need|an office space, too.

I mean, with, like,|a waiting room or something.

Why don't we just add in|a Jacuzzi and a sauna?

We'll do a weight room.

Maybe some vaulted ceilings.

That'll be nice. A wet bar?

Listen, in order to do this right, Richie,

it has to be a legitimate operation.

- A legitimate operation.|- Right.

Right, right, for a fake casting agency.

That's great.

We need an office space,|whether it's fake or not.

And who's gonna pay for that?

I don't hear anything.

Hello.

Yes?

Glenn?

Yes.

You are such a freak, man.

Everyone I know says|hello or something

after they answer the phone.

Glenn? Hello? Are you there?

Yes.

What are you doing, man?|You're doing it again.

You're giving me no indication|that you're there.

Did the phone stop ringing?

Yes, it stopped ringing.

Well, then you can assume|that someone picked up the phone.

I can't believe I'm having this|conversation with you, Glenn.

What the hell is wrong|with you, man?

What's wrong with you,|whoever you are?

Glenn, we need to talk to you|about renting some office space.

All right.

Let's talk, then.

- Reject.|- All right, see ya.

Hey, Sherman, you realize|that you're throwing out girls

you would normally|try to pick up in a bar, right?

Richie, the whole point of this|is to get supreme quality ass.

Okay.

Uh, how about this one?

She looks like Lucy Liu.

She's hot. Keep her. Right?

- Look how hot she is.|- All right. Here.

It's a good keeper.

Look at this.

A Hilary Duff look-alike.|She's beautiful.

Keep her, right?

- Yeah, keep her.|- Absolutely. Look at her.

This looks exactly|like Morgan Fairchild.

What, does everybody|have to look like somebody?

Look.

Sherman, it is Morgan Fairchild.

Marina Del.

I don't know who she looks like,|but, you know, she's cute.

In the casting business we say,|"Turn her over. "

Uh, okay.

Casting directors|and producers look at this.

They look at the actor's credits.

But we look at this section right here.

Special skills.

"Swimming, cooking, rollerblading,

working with|underprivileged children. "

- What does that mean?|- That she likes kids.

Exactly. You're catching on.

- It's like a personal ad.|- Absolutely.

- So we keep her.|- Absolutely.

All right.

All right, look at this girl.

- She's got her sizes right on the front.|- Oh, man.

You don't know|what that means?

You never did that?

It's when you stick|your face in between

two substantially large breasts

and you blow really, really hard,

and you shake your head|side to side like that.

The combination of the air|and the movement

causes a sound...|a slapping sound...

that goes in your eardrum,|and that sound is prrrunsky.

- Turn her over.|- You should try it.

Weightlifting.

Mud wrestling, martial arts.

Horse riding. I mean,|absolutely. Bring her in.

No, no, no.|Army tank mechanic.

Tractor and Caterpillar driver.

- I say we toss her.|- Yeah, whatever.

Oops, sorry.

She's a prunsky.

Yes, she is.

What's that?

Hey, I saw that, Glenn.

I think she's a keeper.|I'm gonna call her.

No, you're not.

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