Cattle Call Page #2

What time do you want|to start calling tomorrow?

What do you mean? We call them right now.

Can't call them now. It's too late.

Richie, it's not too late.

These girls are out-of-work actresses.

I mean, these are their office hours.|They're desperate.

Oh, great. Then we should|call them right now.

- Let's do that.|- Do it.

What do you think about her?

- She's hot.|- She's a keeper, right?

- She's a keeper. Great.|- Call her.

- Let's call her.|- Call her.

It's 2:
00 in the morning.

It's a perfect time to call|and schedule an audition for next week.

That's great.

We'll call her.

Oh, good.|It's... It's ringing.

It's ringing.

Hi... Oh, I'm sorry.|Did I wake you up? So sorry.

Um, My name's Richie Rey,|and I'm producing a film,

and we got your headshot,

and we chose it out of hundreds...

no, no, thousands|of submissions...

and... based upon your|special skills being so,

um, special,

and we'd like you|to come in and audition.

Oh, fantastic. Yeah, uh...|Oh, one last thing.

Can you bring some form|of birth control, please?

Give me the phone.

The director actually just walked in,

and he would like|to speak with you.

His name is Glenn, uh...

Glenn... His name's Glenn... Dale.

Mr. Dale. Here he is.

Hello. This is Mr. Dale.

Hello?

She's hung up.

Nice.

You know, if she had caller I.D.,|we would be in big trouble right now.

Glenn, it was|a make-believe phone call.

Not to her.

I left the seat up. Excuse me.

I try to be considerate.

Excuse me.

That was me.

Over the sheets, too.

Not good.

- Okay.|- Cool.

You're gonna go places.

Cool. Put this on my tab.

Hi. Excuse me.

I was just wondering

if you had any, uh, casting papers

or something that could|sort of help me.

Here's the Casting Call.

Go out there and kill 'em, kid.

- Oh, $3.00?|- 3 bucks.

I know you're gonna do it.

Thanks.

- Let me know how you make out.|- Okay.

Women always ask questions.

Wait! I got it!

I got it!

Hi, I'm calling to schedule you|for an audition for an independent film.

I mean, chicks love|independent films, right?

That's perfect!

That's absolutely perfect!

That means we don't have|to have a script.

We don't have to have a schedule.

We don't have to have a budget.

Nothing. No money.

That's it! No pay.

Just a golden opportunity|to be in an independent film.

That's perfect!|Independent filmmakers.

We're independent filmmakers.

That's it.|I'm calling right now.

- Who should we call?|- What about... Yeah.

- This girl, number 1.|- Holly?

- Yeah.|- Girl number 1. All right.

This is gonna work. Here we go.

Richie Rey on the line. Please hold.

Go. Talk.

- Talk!|- Speakerphone.

Hi, this is Richie Rey.

Thank you for answering the phone.

We'd like to have you in|for an audition.

Cool. For what?

For an independent film.

Ooh, an indie. What's it called?

Perfect For Me.

What's the vibe? It sounds karmic.

Yeah, it's... It's got|some funny stuff in it.

Then sometimes it's not funny at all.

- Right.|- Sad, really.

Then it gets kinda creepy.

But it's... it's mainly funny.

Because it's a comedy.

- Who's producing?|- Me...

and Sherman Oaks,

with Glenn Dale directing.

What should I wear?

Uh, dress like a ho.

A ho? Sure. Okay, peace.

I told you!

Yes! Good work.|That was awesome.

I told you it would work. I told you.

Casting. Perfect For Me.

This is Marina Del.

Marina, I was just looking at your picture.

I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm just a little bit nervous.

I've never done this before.

This is actually my first time, too.

Casting?

Well, it's the first time...

first time, uh,

you know, dealing with the casting...

you know, the movie thing.

You're funny.

I hope you're the director.

L... I'm not, but I'm glad that I'm funny.

Oh, well.

Wishful thinking, I guess.

Um, okay, cool.

Well, I'll see you then.

Bye.

Director.

Hey, Glenn.

You definitely...

You want to be the director...

You wanna swap with me?|Director, producer?

I'm not the swapping kind.

I think he's the director!

What do you like in a relationship?|What do you need?

Number 1 rule:
Honesty.

Honesty's a big thing.

- Honest.|- No man can lie to me.

So honesty... plus a big wiener.

Man lie to me, that's it. That's just it.

If you can get past that little prick.

If this was an audition for a porno, like,|what would you do?

I can get myself|down here into a pretzel.

I'm not gonna do that.

Just, like, mellow out

and smoke some dope.

My teacher says that I should really be|working on my sexuality.

And so he's gonna have me do|these private coachings with him.

He has me do them naked.

Do you think I could have gotten the job

if I did it this way?

Probably. So let me try.

Pretend that he's here,|because he's not here.

So I can't actually do it.

But he just takes down his pants,

and then I'm like...

Something like that.

It's the rollerhead look.

Just gonna grab you like this,

and we're gonna go for a roll.

Preferably younger.

I love the frat boys|with their little paddles.

Or a man with long hair like Tarzan.

- Can you get out?|- Um, no.

I like it when a guy|tries to impress me.

I think I...

- I'm sorry.|- And I broke my coccyx.

I don't know what's worse:|A guy with a little wiener,

or a guy with a little wiener|who tells you he has a big one.

As if you're never|gonna find out the truth?

Listen to that.

You can always tell the size of it|by the sound of the pee.

No, no. It's directly proportionate.

The deeper the sound, the bigger it is,|and vice versa.

I thought it was the hands.

I thought it was|how low their voice is.

I thought it was the nose.

Forget the nose, forget the feet,|forget the hands.

It's the force of the pee.

The force of the pee?

The force of the pee.

And by the way, that is so not circumcised.

Stinky pee-pee.

Excuse me.|Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Excuse me. Listen, I'm the writer.

- I really gotta go.|- Yeah, but...

The faster I go, the faster you guys|will be out of here.

Thanks.

So rude.

All right.

Force of the pee.

I'll show you girls force of the pee.

Come on, buddy.

Don't let me down, all right?

Come on. Come on.

What the heck|is taking him so long?

Men are selfish.

He better have lifted the seat,

and he better put it down|when he's done!

Let's go! Speed it up in there!

Hi.

It's all yours, ladies.

Go to the bathroom!

Once upon a midnight dreary,

while I pondered weak and weary,

But they should probably just be

with someone who likes little wieners.

Do you find that you're sexually promiscuous?

You right there? Oh, I|could snap you in half.

How much work these guys|are really getting done

if they are the whole day|sitting around watching TV?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Give it to me!

How about my ass?|You like my ass?

Show us your ass. Lift up your skirt.

Can you lift up your skirt while you pogo?

Sleazy, sleazy, sleazy.

All they want are these.

Your breasts are...

I'm willing to bet they're real, right?

You get a producer, they say,|"Oh, come over my house for an audition. "

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