Cattle Call Page #3

"Oh, it's at your house? Really?|Okay, I'll try, you know. "

You walk in. "Here, have a drink. "

It's as if they're holding auditions|just to pick up a chick.

No.

That he was, like, making a film,

and I really thought I|was auditioning for him.

This business is mostly run by men|who are mostly scumbags.

And then he's, like, slapping my head.|I was like, "What are you doing?"

Like, my hair was on fire.

I can feel it.

This gig is about a look...|who you look like,

as in the flavors of the days.

Do any trampoline work?

Men are ruled by their overwhelming|desire to have orgasms.

Is there a bikini under that skirt?

What the fu... Who is this guy?

Men, agent, manager, blah.

Unless they're doing more for me|than I can do for myself, see you.

It beats waiting tables.

Forget that.

I gave up waiting tables a long time ago.

Now I work for a company|called Pure Romance.

Oh, let me show you guys|some of my stuff.

Your happiness is my touch

And that's why I hope|you'll understand

Why I've got this knife in my hand

I'm killing you

Because you lied

- What is...|- Feel that?

And it has a fabulous intense bullet|that's bedded right in the shaft.

All men suck, and they should die

All they do is cheat and lie

And you can use it|anywhere or anyplace.

I like to use it while I'm driving.

What's with the dog?

I'm sorry. Really I never do this,

but he...

- I really didn't have anywhere else...|- No, it's fine.

L... Uh...

His name is Mr. Teets.

You know me from the phone.

Oh, right. Hey! How are you?

- Good, good.|- Good to see you.

Uh, you can just|take a seat there.

Okay, great.

Um, okay.|So I prepared a monologue.

- I can just...|- You won't need it.

- Oh, really?|- No. Are you ready?

Well, yeah. What are we doing?

I'm just gonna actually ask you|a couple of questions...

- Okay.|... and all you have to do is answer.

Okay.

So what do you...

Are you rolling? Okay.

Uh, what do you|look for in a man?

Well, someone who loves|my dog as much as I do.

Um, someone who has passion.

Somebody who...

supports my dreams

and encourages me to go after them.

Somebody not like my current boyfriend.

Well, sounds like it's over to me.

Uh, it depends on who you ask.

Well, thank you|so much for coming in.

- Oh, I'm done?|- Yeah, that's... that's all we...

- That's all that we need.|- Sure.

- This has been an awkward experience.|- It's fine.

It was my first time, so...

- It was very nice.|- You made it pleasurable.

All night long.

They always kind of want,

you know, to flip you this way, turn you...

All day.

Everywhere.

Hi, I have a 3:
30.

Perfect For Me?

Okay, take 2.

Hi, I have a 3:
30.

Perfect For Me.

I'm the director.

Ooh. Hi.

You okay?

He's fine.

- Okay, uh, sorry about that.|- That's okay.

We're gonna ask you...

Glenn, are you done?

Hi.

Just have a seat right there.

Okay.

Is it contagious?

What are the types of things|that you look for in a man?

The three C's:
Cash, cock,|and companionship.

Not necessarily in that order.

I mean, any woman who says

that a great, hard,|long banging from a man

isn't the most beautiful,

magical,

downright pleasurable|experience on earth

has either not experienced it

or is a hard-core lesbo.

Don't you think?

What did she say?

I don't know, but nice tits.

Thank you.

- Nice meeting you guys.|- Nice meeting you.

You should see a doctor about that.

- She's incredible.|- Amazing.

She's the kind of girl|you could bring home to Mom.

Right, Glenn?

Can you please tell us|what you think about men?

Men? Well, now,

I don't understand why they think

that bodily functions|are so hysterically funny.

You know?

Like burping and farting.

And they're always talking about how big|their last poo-poo was.

I'm a producer.|You wanna be in a movie?

You had a great audition.

Oh... thank you very much.

So, yeah, I'm thinking about

one of the lead roles|for you in our movie.

A lead role?

I can't believe it.

I think it's gonna be important

to spend time with you.

Get to know each other.

It helps me in rewriting the script,

you know, to get that information

and infuse that information|with your character.

- I love the way you work.|- Yeah? Me, too.

- S.|- Me, too.

Tell me about yourself.

Oh, okay, bueno.

I love pizza, and I love music.

Really? I'm a singer|and a songwriter.

- No.|- Yeah.

That's funny. I actually...|I happen to have...

one of my CDs actually on me.

Special for you.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Thank you very much.

You know, I should hook you|up with my boyfriend.

Who?

Oh, I think you and him|will connect huge.

He's amazing.

You will love him.

You know what? L... I|actually... I gotta take this.

- It might be a while.|- Oh.

So here... here you go.

You'll get the rest, right?

No, no, no, no. Perfect timing.

All right.

Keep in touch with yourself, okay?

Yeah. No.

- Keep in touch with this.|- What... What are you doing?

- Sit down!|- What the hell are you...

- Stand up when I talk to you.|- What the...

No, Tarzana is a lady.

But you don't know who you mess with.

What's your problem?

You'll be meeting with the director.

His name is Glenn Dale.

Okay? You're scheduled in.

Thank you.

You're all set.|Lunch with Laurel Canyon.

Hey! We are kicking ass, brother.

What happened to you?

What? Oh, nothing.

I, uh, just... you know,|just cut myself shaving.

Listen, more importantly,|I got a lunch date with Rollerhead.

But I hope it doesn't mess up my|dinner date with little Miss Reseda.

Lunch and dinner?|You have two dates in one day?

- Yeah.|- You're a freak.

No, listen man,|when are you gonna just give in

to that primal being of yours

and just, you know, review the tapes

and go out on some dates?

Even our boy Glenn here|has got a little rendezvous set up.

- Come on.|- You're still telling these girls

that we're making a movie.

Yeah!

But we're not making a movie.

Richie, don't sweat it.

Nobody in Hollywood who says|they're gonna make a movie

ever makes one.

You're stressing out, man.

- Relax.|- Okay.

Look, even if...

I guess if you have a date,|I should get a date, huh?

I'm gonna go masturbate.

I didn't need to know that, Glenn.

Does the carpet match the drapes?

Well, maybe I don't have carpet.

Maybe I wax the floors.

All they ever think about is their prick.

And, you know, I... I...

It's not that I've|been hurt or anything.

It's not that I'm some sort of psycho.

...and kept telling me,|"You're gonna be my wife.

You're gonna have my babies. "

And, "Don't you like it

when the cum squirts all over your eggs?"

And I'm like, "What are you talking about?"

So I basically pushed him off of me,

and I noticed that|he did come on me.

He poked a hole in the condom.

Um, I can go...

- Both ways?|- Yes.

In real life, or for a movie?

What's the difference?

Well, last week I shot|a national commercial,

and today I have three auditions|for some TV pilots,

and next week I have a spot|on The Bold and The Beautiful,

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