Celtic Pride Page #5

We have a plan!

I have a plan. I am calling the cops,

then I'm divorcing you. Let's go.

- You're still my hero.

-Thanks.

Not you, Dad. I meant Lewis.

I haven't seen Carol that mad since

'8 7, when I drop-kicked her Chia pet.

I remember.

Let her go. Who needs

a loving, supportive wife like that?

A strong-jawed, athletic,

rim-minded gym teacher like you?

Every woman in Boston must want to get

into bed with your pasty, bloated ass.

Shut up before I bring your head

over here and use it as a cue ball.

Excuse me, gym teacher.

May I use the bathroom?

- We're not falling for that trick.

- Do you think I wore a pamper here?

You should go in there

with him just to be safe.

- That is not going to happen.

- Fine. There's bars on the window.

If you try anything, he'll blow holes

through this door until you're dead.

- Yeah, that's me, John Dillinger.

- Relax, I'm just going to pee.

-Jimmy, want to help me uncoil it?

- He better just be peeing.

We should get out of here. Carol was

pissed. She might be calling the cops.

She very well might,

knowing her the way I do.

- Who's that?

- I want my rent money, Jimmy!

It's Nick, the landlord.

He's got a key. He's the landlord.

- $300. Cough it up.

-Just pay the man.

- I don't have it.

- Cough it up.

I'm installing a whirlpool spa

next week, and Friday I'll have...

-Just write the man a cheque.

- It'll bounce.

- Write it anyway.

-Jimmy!

Mikey, there's a $20 penalty

for writing out bounced cheques.

All right. I am going to pay

Nick the landlord.

- You don't deserve a friend like this.

- Damn straight.

Thanks for the hostage-tality, guys.

But I really gotta go.

I don't believe what I just saw!

- Nick, lock it up!

- Was that Lewis Scott?

There!

- Those guys are physically fit!

- We'll never catch him this way.

- Keep up. Take a warning shot.

- I'm a terrible aim. I might hit him.

Taxi!

- Yo, my man.Just drive, drive.

- Hey, you're Lewis Scott.

- Yeah, it's me. Step on it.

- Get out of my cab.

- This is an emergency.

- After what you did to my Celtics?

- Get out of my cab now.

- What is this? The Twilight Zone?

- Hi, Grandma.

- Hi, Peanut.

- What's wrong?

- Bill Russell is awful sad.

- The Celtics lost.

- Don't worry, Billy Boy.

Mikey and I'll take care of it.

See you.

- Hey!

- This way, dumb ass!

Lewis, come on!

- Hey! Get in the van! I mean it!

- You'd hit me in front of a cop?

Officer!

This is bizarre.

Hey! Where are you going? Hey!

Nothing personal, man.

I wish the Utah fans

were this passionate.

Hey, Cramden,

where are we going?

Nowhere. We're just going to

drive around till after the game.

I see you put a lot of thought

into this.

Hey, you have

any music in this tin can?

Sure.

Hey! Turn it off! Give me the gun,

I'll shoot myself in the head.

Hey, listen. I got a little

business proposition for you.

What if I told you I knew

the Celtics were a lock on game 7?

Could we make some money?

Yeah...

No, VERY inside information.

- Your gaslight's on.

- Well, look for a filling station.

Did you see that blonde

in the new Guess ad?

I saw that the other night.

I was going to call you.

- Talking about Michelle?

- What, you know her?

- Every nook and cranny.

- Get outta here.

- In the biblical sense?

-Just say we never made it to church.

- Don't say that. You're killing me!

- Your fantasies are my reality.

Cough it up, man. We want the details.

I better give you some toilet paper

and WD-40, 'cause I got stories, yo.

You know the Budweiser ad girl?

Been there, done that.

I bet you guys couldn't get past

first base with the Budweiser frog.

That would depend how drunk I got it.

Man, I've been with two women

in my whole life.

- That's two more than Jimmy.

- That's cruel, but true.

Wow.

Gas. Let's stop for gas.

You pump, I'll pay.

And you, you wait in there.

I hope you die!

- OK, wide ass! Unchain me.

- Get back in the van.

Unchain me right now, or I'll blow

this place to kingdom come!

I leave you alone for

two minutes and what happens?

- Let him go, Jimmy!

- Otherwise we'll have a weenie roast!

- Do it!

- No can do, man.

I'll sacrifice for our boys in green.

You're willing to sacrifice my nuts?

What is the matter with you?

- Did he get in your head again?

- No, it's completely blank.

- Then you must be willing to die.

-Jimmy! Jimmy!

No one's dying. That lighter hasn't

worked since Dukakis was governor.

Oh, yeah?

- Let him go, Jimmy!

- Give me that thing! Get in the van!

Help him with his bowl.

Be careful.

It's a top-of-the-line quiet flush.

Thanks for telling me about the lighter.

I'm soaking wet, and the van smells

like gasoline! Give me a light.

Well, look at that. It works.

Guys. Please don't take this from me.

Let me go. I won't turn you in,

I swear. You don't want to go to jail!

Mike, you got a wife and a kid!

Jimmy, you've got...Mike,

and he's got a wife and a kid.

- Please don't take this from me!

- You don't deserve it.

- What, and you do?

- At least I'd appreciate it.

I would cherish every minute

of every game.

I wouldn't skip practice or be ragging

on my team-mates! I'd work hard!

You don't think I work hard?

I gave up everything for the game!

- Big deal. I'd have given it up, too.

- Would you have, Mike?

- What do I have to give up?

- Yeah.

I'm the one born with the talent,

not you.

Sorry, but don't take it out on me.

You don't think I've got the talent?

You're a gym teacher.

What do you think?

Pull over.

Come on, Mr P.E.,

show me what you got.

I'm Bob Cousy here at Lapristy Park

with the Boston skyline behind me,

here at this grudge match,

a David and Goliath contest between

Lewis Scott, NBA All Star

and Mike O'Hara,

a gym teacher from Charlestown

with a spastic colon

and a few surprises up his sleeve.

Is Mike O'Hara's dream dead? We'll

see after a word from this sponsor.

I'm Lewis Scott.

As well as being a basketball player,

I'm also a denture wearer.

Shut up!

- Let's play!

- I'm going right. Oops.

- You reach, I teach.

- Shut up and play.

If you was a midget,

I'd take you to the hole.

If you was crippled,

I'd have you rubbing that nub.

If you was an old woman with no teeth,

I'd still have you gummin'.

If you was my b*tch, I'd do that to you.

- Shut up!

- Come on, hit the weight room!

Get up, you fat foetus.

Oh, the kid is nice, the kid is nice!

Take a breather, Mike.

I'm gonna shoot threes.

You'd be a great ball boy.

- Get the ball, boy, 'cause it's over.

- It's not over till I say it's over!

Oh, God!

- Oh, Jeez, are you OK?

- No, I'm not OK!

Ice! Get him some ice!

All right, give me the key. The keys!

- He has the gun!

- Give him the keys!

Thank you.

Scott?

- What, stink hands?

- Are you turning us in to the police?

No. I got something much worse

planned for you two.

- You're going to root for me.

- I'm not rooting for you!

See you ladies at the game. Pray

I win, otherwise you're going to jail.

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