Celtic Pride Page #4

On holidays, your birthday.

How about New Year's, when you're

sitting here playing with your knob,

and everyone else out there

having fun.

Go ahead, Jimmy. Do it.

Make the pain go away.

Stifle it, Scott!

That's exactly why your so-called

friend Mike treats you that way.

- You have no identity of your own.

- He treats me just fine.

It took me two seconds to figure out

who the man in the relationship was.

He wouldn't even let you make

the banana pancakes.

I was going to make them, too.

I was in the mood.

Does he make you hold his peenie

when he takes a piss, too, Jimmy?

I wouldn't be surprised if he comes

back with some hot pants for you.

- Come on, make us some breakfast.

- Coming!

I saw Kevin when I was out.

I hinted about us.

It doesn't matter if we let him go

now or later. Same thing.

- What did you do that for?

- I'm sick of your bullshit!

What the hell's gotten into you? Huh?

Oh, no.

You really shouldn't

leave Jimmy all alone, Mike.

- You just get out.

- No, Jimmy, don't listen to him!

"Yes, master,

I'll do whatever you say."

- Pick on someone with your own IQ.

- How about someone like you?

I'd like to get him in a room,

tie him down,

and beat the living snot out of him!

There are some people in this world,

that's all they really understand.

You rationalize with them,

listen to their side of the story.

But ultimately, it comes down

to one thing. A good beating!

Maybe something happened to him.

Like it's the first time

he's pulled this.

- Listen to me.

- I can't believe I hit you.

I talked to Kevin.

We're in deep trouble.

- We're probably going to jail.

- What do we do?

We've no choice.

If we let him go now,

our lives go down in flames

and we have nothing to show.

But if we hold on to him till after

the game and the Celtics win,

our lives will go down in flames, but

we'll have contributed to the victory!

I like this very much.

All our lives, we've taken

from the Celtics.

It's time to give something back.

On a team, everybody's got a job.

So our job is to cover Lewis Scott!

And if we can hold onto him,

maybe we can win that championship.

It wouldn't be a fair win.

There'd be an asterisk

next to it in the record book.

It would have our names next to it.

What kind of loser

would want to be an asterisk?

I would very much like to be one.

Let's lead our Celtics to victory!

Lurch, we're going to run the plays.

Do the best you can. That's all I ask.

- I will not let my homies down.

- Your homies are going to love that.

Come on, Jimmy, the rock!

I hate my life.

- Give him another chance.

- I have given him so many chances.

I love him,

but he's just not good for us.

Will I only see him Sundays

like my other divorced friends?

Tommy.

Football season's coming up.

I don't think your dad's gonna see

you Sunday. Maybe February.

- Two-fifty-five! Hut-hut-hut!

- Blitz him, blitz him, blitz him!

Go all the way! Yes!

-Jesus, Jimmy, you clipped him!

- No, that wasn't.

He's going all the way! Oh, yeah!

You guys are really good at this.

You ever think about going pro?

Here it goes! Bring it down now!

Bring it hard! That's it!

Bring it down! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

- Big Jim Fulton! How's his shoulder?

- He had that rotator cuff surgery.

- Did it affect his power chop?

- Yes, but not his log rolling.

Thank God. Wouldn't want

nothing happening to the log rolling.

These guys are so classy.

There's no prize money here.

They're in it for the love of the game.

You wouldn't see

Big Jim Fulton hawking chainsaws.

Hi. I'm Big Jim Fulton. When I'm

cutting 'em, I reach for the best.

- It's Big Jim Fulton.

- Well, I...

I can see why he'd do that.

McCulloch makes a heck of a product.

That just proves no one's above it.

What about you, doo-doo-digger?

If they offered you a million to do

a Tidy Bowl commercial, would you?

In a case like that, that's a product

I believe in, I suppose I would.

Why do you do all those commercials?

Come on, you don't need the money!

You know what I think?

You think that if we see your face

on TV a million times a day,

we're going to love you.

I don't need your love. I don't want

to talk about this any more.

I don't do no more commercials

than anybody else.

I'll play a game. I'll flip through

every station on this TV.

And if I don't see one

of your commercials, I'll let you go.

- Bet!

- That's kind of a risk there, Mike.

- He's on TV every ten seconds!

- Come on, let's go.

OK. Let's play.

I'll start with two here.

Want to pick up the pace?

..in a limo this small.

- OK.

- I'm gonna win this thing.

I've got 1 25 channels on the dish.

Keep changing channels.

You're almost out. This is it.

- Untie me, baby. I'm home free.

- No, we got ESPN-2 coming up.

- "..still got my thumbs."

- "..This awful rash..."

Let's play. A pack of Oscar Mayer

fat-free turkey dogs for the winner.

Selling those wieners!

Here comes my favourite part!

I'll play one-on-one

with this hot dog any day!

"I'll play one-on-one

with this hot dog any day"!

Will you shut it off?

Change the channel.

- Help!

- Get him in the kitchen!

Get him back there, now.

It's Carol and Tommy.

Get him in there!

OK.

Carol, Tommy, hey! What a surprise.

It's not really a good time right now.

We just stopped by to bring some stuff

you might need and to say goodbye.

- What is this?

- The rest of your stuff.

You think I'll spend the rest

of my life with Jimmy?

I can't live with someone

who refuses to grow.

I can grow, are you kidding me?

I'm practically sprouting right now!

Carol, look. I was thinking a lot

about it, and you were right.

You were right!

I think I've become a little bit...

- Obsessed.

- Obsessed with sports. You're right!

You're just repeating what I said

to placate me.

No. I'm going to change.

I'm going to become a new man.

Hey, you know what I was thinking?

We'll go back to that therapist!

We can talk it out. We'll talk,

we can hold each other.

We can even cry! And I promise

I won't try to smack him this time.

Fine. I'll call Dr Kaufman and make

an appointment for Monday.

- Then we'll see.

- It's a date!

Doc Kaufman's on Monday!

You miserable son of a b*tch!

- Think I got a girl in there?

- It didn't take you long.

- It's Jimmy.Jimmy?

- Yeah.

- He's whipping up a bundt cake.

- Good one, Dad. Bundt cake.

Yes. Hey, don't go in there!

Do not go in there!

- Carol. Tommy.

- See. It's Jimmy.

And...why is this man tied up?

For fun.

-Just guy stuff.

- Having fun with the guys.

- Hey, you're Lewis Scott!

- Who is Lewis Scott?

Who is...? Are you kidding me?

That is exactly what is

wrong with our relationship.

I kidnap the greatest player in the NBA,

and you don't know who he is!

Mr Scott, I think you're the greatest.

He says thanks for the compliment.

See you later because we gotta be

going now, and good afternoon.

You are sick! You need help!

You don't know what's going on!

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