Celtic Pride Page #3

- We were there.

You pulled a triple-double, 42 points,

- It was a bad day for me.

- Kicked our ass.

- That's Lewis Scott, the ass-kicker.

- I've still got the ticket.

Here's to you. Oh, boy.

There you go!

Keep 'em coming!

- Get it down!

- Right down there!

Let's play "invent-a-drink".

The first drink

I'm going to make is called...

Lewis Scott!

-Jimmy's got one.

- This one is called "Jimmy's dick".

It's short...fat...

But it fills the gap.

This one is called

"The Boston Celtics".

- It's weak, 'cause it's white.

- That's funny.

For the ladies,

always the added touch.

That's it. Drink it all up!

The night's not over. I know this

after-hours bar we can take him to.

No, no. I couldn't.

I gotta go to practice in the morning.

I'd love to stay and throw up.

But I got to beat

these sons of b*tches.

Hear that, Boston?

I'm gonna kick your ass!

- Lightweight.

- He can't even hold his liquor.

Let's get him a cab.

I'm not a hero, I'm a plumber.

If your septic tank is backing up,

your hot water takes a leak,

your air cooler won't work,

well, call me.

Because I am not a hero.

I am a plumber.

Plumber...

Oh, God! Jimmy!

Lewis Scott's in the bed!

- How did he get there?

- I blanked out. What happened?

We must've done it when he passed out.

We kidnapped him.

I did not kidnap anybody!

Scott is duct-taped in my bed

and I don't think he did it himself.

- You wanted to look him in the eye!

- No more hard liquor for me!

- Look, we got to get him out of here.

- I agree.

But first, we have to do something.

- He's gotta wear a hat or something.

- We gotta go!

Put a Celtics hat on the guy.

- Did you call his room again?

- Five minutes ago. He's not there.

Wait five minutes and then call again!

Oh, man!

Wait till the boys see this!

Seventh game of the finals

and he ditches practice!

Grant Hill would have gone to church

and come to practice early.

Watch his head.

We don't need Scott.

Bench him and teach him a lesson.

Yeah. I'll bench my high scorer.

Our fans won't want me too dead.

We just got to get him outside. Then

he can go where the hell he wants.

-Jeez. He's coming to.

-Just relax and enjoy the ride!

FrereJacques, frereJacques

dormez vous

Hey, let go of me!

Sonnez les matines

Sonnez les matines

Let go of me!

You're the two guys at the club.

- Relax. He doesn't know our names.

-Jimmy Flaherty and Mike O'Hara.

Jimmy, where are you going?

Don't make me hurt you.

- You'd better untie me right now!

- That's it! You want some of this?

Jimmy!

Hold it right there, ball hog!

Gun, gun, gun, gun, gun.

Smile for the barrel. All right.

- Get upstairs, now!

- Watch yourself.

Yo, Coach! I'll play. Just give me

a chance. I can handle the rock.

I'll call you if I need you.

Don't dog me, Coach.

I've got the bad crap.

I'll tell you what. You take the bad

crap and this basketball,

and do the drills! Now!

-"Bad crap".

- I'll call again.

I didn't know you even had a gun.

It's a Russian TOZ-35. Skanaker won

the gold in the '72 Olympics with it.

I traded my Gordie Howe skates for it.

What is this?

I thought you two were Utah fans.

Yeah, right.

Is this racism? A backlash

from the O.J. Simpson verdict?

Racism? If the Sox were

in the pennant race with the Orioles,

we'd tie up Cal Ripkin Jr. He's white.

Then why don't you

go get his white ass?

We need time to figure this out. Why

don't you get us some coffee and food?

Yeah, OK. I'll get some bananas

and make banana pancakes.

Some eggs, sausages and bacon

and make a Spanish omelette.

We could go Italian, Chinese, Greek.

I know a great Dutch place...

We're not having a party!

Get some coffee and food!

- We want to make it nice for him.

- I'll get it myself.

Who are you, man?

Some bitter ex-high school player

who never really made it?

You sit watching sports, criticizing

athletes 'cause you wish it was you.

You are so far off...

..it's sad.

Watch his ass!

- You let him talk to you like that?

- What do you mean?

He's so condescending.

"Watch his ass!"

- You're under arrest!

- Hi, Kev.

Hi, Mike. What's up?

Scared you, didn't I?

What's new, man?

New?

Officer, I'm the guy

who had his car stolen.

Stand by where your car was stolen

and I'll be right there.

- Big game tomorrow.

- The Celtics have to win.

- I wanted to ask you something...

- What about my f***ing car?

- That Porsche was two months old!

- We do our best. I truly am sorry.

I realise without that nice car

you have no chance of getting laid.

That's a real tragedy. Now step back!

I'll be with you in a moment.

He talks to you like you're

his little b*tch or something.

I wouldn't be surprised if he comes

back with some hot pants for you.

You know, I was thinking...

Lewis Scott is killing us.

I hate that guy.

You know what someone should do?

Someone should grab Lewis Scott,

tie him up and hold him till after

we finish that game tomorrow.

You know what? I'm in.

And I'm crazy enough to do it.

I'd do it.

My team-mates will

come looking for me.

Why? Is it so unusual

you're not at practice?

You're in big trouble

for messing with Lewis Scott.

You just shut up.

Jimmy's in control now.

See, I can talk

in the third person, too.

Jimmy Flaherty wants Lewis Scott

to shut his trap.

Jimmy Flaherty is so tired

of Lewis Scott's bullshit!

Well, Jimmy wouldn't talk like that

if he didn't have a gun,

'cause Lewis Scott would pulverize

his big, fat, frumpy ass.

But Jimmy Flaherty

does have a gun, doesn't he?

Hey! You don't want to play

with Flaherty. He's crazy.

Yeah? I'm about to snatch your

a**hole out and use it as a peephole.

Sit down! Please, Lewis!

Don't make me shoot you, man!

You won't shoot me.

You don't have the berries.

I do have the berries!

If you don't sit down, I'm...

- Sh*t! That could have been my head!

- I wish it was.

That was my 1 986 Bill Buckner ball.

Say somebody grabbed him yesterday

and let go of him today.

Kidnapping is kidnapping. It doesn't

matter if it's one day or three days.

If you kidnap a guy, you kidnap him.

I mean, just do it.

So you'd hold on to him until after

the Celtics win the championship?

Me? As a policeman sworn to uphold

the law, I could never say that.

But as a Celtics fan,

I must reply "Yes".

We're just joking around. We're not

talking about a crime here, are we?

No! Of course not.

Well...

- Yeah, OK. Give my love to Deb.

- See you later.

I got no reason to be concerned,

do I, Mike? Huh?

- Kevin, you're losing it, man!

-Take care. Stay out of trouble.

OK, Mr Germany, where were we?

- Why do you collect all this junk?

- I like it. It's a hobby.

It's pathetic. All these pictures

of other people's achievements.

And what have you done?

What's your claim to fame?

You think

Larry Bird has a picture of you,

your hand down a toilet,

wrangling a turd?

He doesn't even know you exist,

and you met him.

Put that gun in your mouth

and blow your brains out.

I know you've thought about it.

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