Cemetery Junction Page #3

-No, I do not.

Yeah, a man of integrity.

Don't wanna lower your standards,

but you got to.

I was like you once.

I didn't wanna lower my standards.

-But I got tired of getting no muff at all.

-Yeah?

I was going blind with masturbation,

so I lowered my standards, and now:

I didn't get laid till I was 28.

Now I've slept with two women.

-Have you?

-Went all the way with one of them.

Yup, I'll do anything that's going.

-Do you know anything that's going?

-No.

Well, I wouldn't pay for it.

I've been with a prostitute once,

but I didn't pay for it.

No, I did a runner.

She couldn't chase me.

No, I think she had gout.

-What's gout?

-I just told him that you fancied him.

-Oh, God.

-Oh, don't worry, he doesn't fancy you.

-Doesn't wanna lower his standards.

-I didn't say that.

Bloody hell, Brian. I didn't say that.

I'm not getting into anything serious.

He's not getting into anything,

full stop.

-Not true. I get loads of fanny.

-Not in here, you don't.

-I'll go wait outside.

-See you, Snorky.

-Get a bit of pork and stalk.

-Ignore them, okay?

-They're morons.

-On your way.

Nice, isn't it?

-I'm starting to get tired.

-You're always tired.

I work hard. Unlike you.

What do you mean?

It's hard at the station.

-Shut up, Snork.

-Stop bickering, you two, all right?

-Got any more beers?

-No, sorry, last one.

How much do you reckon

one of these places costs?

Cheap, probably.

It's all spit and sawdust, isn't it?

With this new job, if I work hard,

I could afford a deposit on one.

Probably have it paid for in 25 years,

and then I'd be living there rent-free.

Freddie, look.

Yeah, great.

What's wrong with you?

-Aren't we too old to be doing this?

-It's what we do.

-It's what we've always done.

-I've got a good job.

Don't wanna lose it

because I got caught drawing tits.

-Draw a cock, then.

-It's not what I draw.

He can't do the c*cks. I does c*cks.

You do c*cks, you do tits.

I'll do something with my life.

-What is wrong with you?

-That's someone's property.

-Yeah.

-What do I care? I'm leaving anyway.

You've been saying that every day

since we were 15.

You're in the house

you were born in, in the same room.

-Same sheets.

-Don't join in.

Freddie, come on.

Oh, great. Put that down.

-Morning, officer.

-Morning.

How are we?

-That your handiwork?

-I can't take all the credit.

I did do the breasts,

but he likes to do the c*cks.

Is that funny?

A married man with two children...

...who are watching him

suck an oversized penis.

How is that funny?

-All right, calm down.

-Shut up.

-Wash it off.

-What with?

-Wash it off.

-That's enough.

-Come on, then.

-F*** me, Ralph.

What have I told you

about your breath?

Let's brush your teeth.

Brush your teeth.

Brush your f***ing teeth.

Come on.

-Get him up. Get him up.

-That's enough.

See you later, boys.

Can I drive?

Hello, my name's Freddie Taylor,

from Vigilant Life Assurance--

Hello there.

My name's Freddie Taylor. I'm from--

--Vigilant Life Assurance Company.

-It's a few pence a week.

-Does it look like I'm made of money?

-What if you get married?

-I will.

I wanna park this

in more garages first.

-If you die, what's your wife do?

-I'll tell you.

Bleed me dry when I'm alive

and bleed me dry when I'm dead.

Haven't met the woman,

she's already winding me up.

I'll leave some information with you.

Maybe we can arrange a time for me

to come back and talk you through it?

-Dad.

-What, you stupid idiot?

-Buy a policy.

-No.

-Who'll pay for your funeral?

-Got years yet.

Not with all that fat round your heart.

And I'm not paying for it.

Like you'll still be around when I go.

Bury me in the garden. I don't care.

He buries everything in the garden.

Got an old mangle there, old cooker.

Not paying council to take rubbish.

Better start digging a hole for him.

I'm not doing it.

You won't be alive when I die.

You'll already be buried

with the mangle.

Remind me to do that, Kath.

Buy a policy

or I'll be out of work on Monday.

Good. You can help

dig your grandmother's grave.

-I need a favor. You're my last resort.

-Any cash I have, I spend on porn.

-You need insurance.

-No, I need porn.

-You need insurance. Insurance.

-I need porn. Porn.

Hello again. We spoke last week.

You said you might be interested

in our policies.

Hello. Are you Mrs. Kendrick?

I'm looking for Mike Ramsay.

He told me to meet him here.

-Yes, come in.

-Thanks.

-I'll let him know you're here.

-Thanks.

Art.

Yep.

-You like art?

-I don't know much about it, sir.

The bloke who painted that

just died.

-That's bad news.

-No, it's good news.

Probably gone up in value,

so it's a good investment.

Yeah, bad news for his family,

though.

Yes, it's a downer for them, sure.

-How are you finding the job?

-Yeah, it's fun.

-It's fun.

-Fun? I don't like the sound of that.

It shouldn't be fun

if you're working hard.

I enjoy working hard, sir, so....

You work hard, I'll probably see you

at the Winners Ball.

Great night out,

a chance to let your hair down...

...although I see you already have.

Yeah. Well, I'm gonna

get this cut, actually.

Short back and sides,

something smart.

Excellent.

-Super.

-Anyway, you mind waiting?

I'm going over stuff with Mike.

Take a seat.

-Hi.

-Hi.

Hurry up.

It is thought that around

one-and-a-half million workers...

...including those

from car manufacturing....

Dad, didn't tell me

my blind date had arrived.

Bit disappointing.

-Old back still bad, is it, Mart?

-Oh, God, aye, still bad.

Doctors can't understand it.

Can't do a day's work,

but he can get to the pub.

He says you had a go

at one of his boys.

Oh, I only brushed his teeth.

Anyway, they dropped the charges.

I dropped the charges.

Sorry for the hassle.

I thought he'd have grown out of it.

What have you ever done

with your life?

Oh, yeah?

What are you doing with yours?

I'm out every night,

shagging, boozing, fighting.

Fighting? Bloody hell.

Fighting for what?

You're punching blokes in pubs.

You're hardly Henry the bloody V,

you know.

Think you're James Dean,

Rebel Without a Cause.

You're not a rebel.

There's nothing to rebel against.

If you don't like it here, piss off.

Nobody's stopping you.

Go and ruin somebody else's town.

I'm going, don't worry. I'm leaving.

He's been saying that since he was 15

and he's still here.

-I won't be here when I'm your age.

-You think you're cock of the walk?

But your feathers

are gonna drop out.

Ten years' time, you'll still be here...

...going to the disco,

drinking your ten pints.

Then you'll be a dirty old man,

and you'll be a drunk.

Like him?

I don't know how you stop yourself

from smacking him, Mart.

That I would like to see.

Oh, well, I gotta go.

-I'll see you again, Mart.

-Yeah. I'll see you, Wyn. Sorry.

-You take care.

-...at Trafford Park...

...the British Aircraft Corporation

in the northwest...

...Dunlop Tyres in Birmingham

and Rolls-Royce in Bristol.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes