Cemetery Junction Page #5

And we always reward them

with a little token...

...that says,

"Welcome to the Vigilant."

Now, you should find in front of you

your very own business cards.

Your own name on there.

A big hand, please,

for Gordon Dallimar...

...Chris Riggs, Tony Widden

and Freddie Taylor.

But this isn't just a celebration

of new blood...

...it's a fond farewell

to old blood as well.

Jack Bentley.

Come on, Jack, stand up.

This is Jack's--

Can you believe this?

This is Jack's 20th invitation

to the Winners Ball.

And I'm very sad to say...

...this is the last time

we're going to see Jack here.

We are finally putting him out

to pasture.

He's retiring 65 years young.

Been working here for 42 years.

-Can you believe it?

-Forty-three years.

Yeah, 42, 43 years, yeah.

How old were you

when you started, Jack?

-Twenty-three years old.

-Twenty-three years old.

You started off door to door,

didn't you?

-Yes.

-You did that for about 10 years.

And the last 32 years,

he's been in the Auditing Department.

So quite a life.

We have a little something

to thank you...

...for all your years of service, Jack.

Here it is.

Thank you.

It's a fruit bowl.

Thanks.

-Is that crystal?

-Cut glass.

It's cut glass.

What Jack doesn't know

is we had a whip-round.

Paula went down to Debenhams

specially to get that.

The one we wanted to get

was out of stock.

Lucky for you, she had to get you

the one that was a lot more expensive.

Have a lie-in now.

Enjoy your retirement

with your lovely wife....

With your wife,

and don't be a stranger.

Pop in occasionally

so we don't forget.

Okay, enough admin.

Something less depressing now.

I'm very glad to see you all here.

We're all having a wonderful time.

The Bendicks chocolates are a treat.

I think we can say

that the caterers did a fantastic job.

We have a wonderful band tonight.

They'll be playing the hits.

They look a bit wild,

but don't mind their appearance.

-Over to you, boys.

-Thanks.

Hi, everyone. We're Chart Gallery.

-How funny was that earlier?

-What?

When the waiter came round

with the soup and the bread.

I said, "Is there any white bread left?"

He said, "No, I think we've run out.

That goes first, doesn't it?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "We've got brown." I said,

"I don't like brown, but I'll have some."

So I'm eating the brown bread

and then he came back and he said:

"Oh, there is some white bread left

after all."

And so then I had white and brown.

That wasn't an anecdote, that....

Look, you gotta work out what's worth

telling people and what's not, okay?

Walk down the street and nothing

happens, keep it to yourself.

But if you walk down the street...

...and you see a Tyrannosaurus rex

raping a dodo...

...give me a call,

do you understand?

-I was just--

-I know.

-It sounded funny in my head.

-But it wasn't, Snork.

Freddie,

what's your game plan, son?

Where do you see yourself

in five years?

Don't know.

Five years is a long way off.

Just work hard, get married,

buy a place, the usual.

What about you, Cliff? Where are you

seeing yourself in five years?

I'd quite like to make a sideways move

into staff administration.

And we all know what Mike's plan is.

He's got his eye on my office.

Already chosen the wallpaper.

-Martin?

-Well, Fire and Accident.

-You missed out Julie, sir.

-What?

You didn't ask Julie.

I know where she'll be in five years.

At home, with my grandchildren.

Really?

Is that what you were thinking?

I don't know. Not necessarily.

I've had thoughts about photography,

trying to be involved professionally.

Oh, really?

But it's not set in stone.

We're gonna go where work takes me.

We're focusing on Mike's career

at the moment.

-Then we're gonna focus on mine.

-Are you?

Bloody hell, Mike, you didn't tell me

you were marrying a women's libber.

You gonna burn your bra, love?

Need a light for my fag.

Hello. Dougie Boden,

assistant agency manager, Life Sales.

-With me, my wife.

-Sorry, can I stop you there?

I'm gonna go and talk to the lady

over there with the lovely tits.

Bit rude.

If he wants to look at lovely tits,

yours are perfectly adequate.

Well, to cut a long story short,

it's because I've got a nose for muff.

What's this about working

on your career and then on Julie's?

Yeah, she's got some idea about

being a photographer, apparently.

And how would she do that

when you have kids?

-She wouldn't be able to, obviously.

-Right.

I'm hoping she'll have forgotten

about it.

I think it's one of those silly phases

that women go through, isn't it?

-She can always do it as a hobby.

-Yeah.

-She can take pictures of the kids.

-Exactly.

-Patricia wanted to work, you know.

-Did she? What did she wanna do?

Oh, God knows.

She had some bee in her bonnet.

I just wanted to make sure

we're thinking along the same lines.

I appreciate the concern, sir,

but trust me, I'm on top of it.

Yeah, I know. I know you are.

I know you are.

-Mike, let's dance. Come on.

-No, you know I don't dance.

Well, if Dad dances, will you dance?

-Dad, dance with Mom.

-No, I don't dance.

-Come on, it'll be fun.

-No, I'm not gonna dance.

We're talking here, love.

Why don't you get me a whiskey?

Whiskey, sir?

Yeah.

Okay.

So does your gran

still cut your hair?

Hey, don't knock her. She's cheap

because of the Parkinson's.

-Two whiskeys, please.

-Certainly.

Ever think this town missed out

on the swinging '60s?

-Yeah.

-What are we gonna do...

...if the world's having another party

and we missed it because we're here?

There's this ancient Arab proverb

that says--

"There's an ancient Arab proverb"?

-My, you've changed.

-Listen. It's sweet. It says:

"Throw your heart in front of you

and run ahead to catch it."

-Lovely. I don't know what it means.

-Yeah, you do.

"Throw your heart in front of you."

Whatever your passions are...

...whatever you desire, imagine

it's in front of you now and just grab it.

Hurry up, love.

Parched.

-What do you think about Hargreaves?

-What about Hargreaves?

A couple of boys down in

the basement have voiced concerns.

They've started giving him

a bit of a nickname, Smudge...

...because he's thrown down

a few wrongs.

I'll fire someone if they're useless.

He never listens, that's the problem.

Bet you come to a lot of these.

It's all part of the job.

-Thank you.

-It's okay.

Would you like to dance?

-I don't know if I should.

-Come on. It'd be fun.

Look at this.

Everyone is bored stupid.

I asked him to play some Slade,

but I doubt he will.

I could do better than him.

I could do better than him.

-Are you absolutely sure?

-Yeah.

Okay. Five quid if you get up there.

Put your money where your mouth is.

Five quid? No, they won't let me sing.

They won't let me sing.

-We'll see about that.

-What are you doing?

Hello. Great set, by the way.

-The guys are loving it, really jumping.

-Cheers, mate.

I'm with the entertainments committee.

We've got a mentally handicapped kid.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes